Oregon votes are in!
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[Note: this is intended to be a humorous parody of the relatively short delay in declaring a winner in the Oregon senate race. It is not intended to be an accurate representation of the state's election process.]
As we trot toward the festivities of Thanksgiving, the diligent election workers in the state of Oregon continue their thankless job of counting the votes. We expect a winner to be declared in the senate race any day now.
TCO caught up with Joe Saycanusi of the Oregon Secretary of State’s office.
TCO: Joe – Do you mind if I call you Joe? It is now 2 weeks past election day and we’re still waiting for a winner in the Merkley/Smith Senate race. What, exactly, is causing the delay?
JS: Well, TCO, we are experiencing multiple issues. As you know, all voting in Oregon is done through the mail. This year, we have had a bit of a West Nile epidemic, and this has really put a strain on the herd.
TCO: Er, what’s that? Do you mean that the mail in Oregon is actually delivered via pony express?
JS: Of course. What else would we use? Oxen are strong, but they’re pretty slow. We had a second health issue as well – several of the horses came down with constipation. Believe me, when a horse is waiting to take a crap, you’re just going to have to wait it out. Really, I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. The new congress doesn’t start work for a while yet. As long as we’ve declared a winner by then, everything is cool.
TCO: Well, Joe, that’s very fascinating. Thank you for enlightening us.
TCO: We were also cable to catch up with a precinct captain in Multnomah County. We are pleased to speak to John Morgan.
TCO: Captain Morgan – how are you feeling this morning?
CM: Aye, a bit hung over, to be honest. We’ve been doing this bloody counting for umpteen days now. It’s enough to drive you a bit mad after a while, so I went on a bit of a bender last night.
TCO: I believe that you had a bit of a problem with some votes in one of your precincts. Can you explain what happened?
CM: Well, the middle of last week, our cleaning people came in at night to scrub the place down. Unfortunately, when our counters got in the next morning, they discovered an absolute tragedy. Our permanent record of the vote counting had been destroyed – the blackboard was scrubbed clean! Even worse, the ballots had been thrown out with the trash!
TCO: Wow. That’s horrible. Yet, you are expecting to have complete results …
CM: I know what you’re thinking. No, we didn’t just make up some numbers. We grabbed our boots and headed out to the dump. After two days in the dump, we recovered every single ballot. Then we went work, removing chewing gum and taco sauce from the ballots. It was hard work, but I am confident that every single vote has been tallied correctly.
TCO: Wow, that’s quite the ballot tale, captain Morgan. That’s it for this installment of the news. Join us next time as we oversee the counting of ballots in the Alaska senate race.
Kosmo is the founder of The Soap Boxers and writes on a variety of topics, including the Fiction Friday original short stories. You can purchase some of Kosmo's work at the company store. Like Kosmo's writing? You can leave a tip. Like this site? Subscribe via RSS, Subscribe via Email, or Follow us on Twitter. The permanent URL for this article is:http://www.thesoapboxers.com/oregon-votes-are-in/
Alternative voting strategy
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This is geared more toward moderates rather than partisan voters. Let’s say that you care about five issues (listed in order of importance) Issue 1: Candidate A agrees with you. 90% of congress is on your side.Issue 2: Candidate A agrees with you. 80% of congress is on your side.Issue 3: Candidate B agrees with [...]
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Soy Sauce
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I got a call from a telemarketer last week. It was one of those calls where you can chop the interest rate on your credit card. I decided to tell the caller that they were in violation of the “Do not call” list and that I would refer subsequent calls to the attorney general’s office [...]
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Rest in peace, Michael Crichton
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A literary icon of our generation has passed away. The great writer Michael Crichton ended his battle with cancer at the age of 66 on November 4. Crichton is best known for his masterpiece, Jurassic Park. As a bit of a dinophile, this became one of my favorite books. Over the years, I read many [...]
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Election
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Did you stay away from the polls because you didn’t think your vote counted? One effect of the apathy caused by the electoral college is the down-ticket effect. If you are a Democrat in Texas or a Republican in California, you are correct that your presidential vote would not have swung the state. However, your [...]
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And another thing …
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I can’t believe I forgot this one. Announcers who interview people, and miss a good chunk of the game in the process. If you want to interview a guy between the action, that’s fine. But I don’t want to miss an at bat because of the interview. I heard an interview a few months ago. [...]
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