Walking To My Doomsday
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Editor’s note: We have a guest writer on The Soap Boxers today. Raindrop shares a very personal story with our readers. Raindrop is my wife. – Kosmo
My husband and I went to my 12 week OB appointment for our second child. My husband went with me since we might be able to hear the baby’s heart beat for the first time. I was so excited! I wanted to hear our baby’s heart beat! Our 2 year old daughter was at daycare and we were going to pick her up after my appointment.
My OB couldn’t find or hear the heart beat. At this stage in a pregnancy, you may or may not be able to. My OB wanted to have an ultrasound to check on the baby. I couldn’t get in to the sonographer to have an ultrasound. My OB tried to do the usual ultrasound with a portable machine. The baby was too small. My OB had other patients, but another OB came in to do a vaginal ultrasound. My OB came in during this ultrasound. The 2nd OB found a black spot on the screen. She kept looking around. I told her my uterus was tipped according to the sonographer at my 7 week ultrasound.
My OB put her hand on my shoulder and I knew it wasn’t good. They told me I had miscarried the baby. They said the baby didn’t survive much past my 7 week ultrasound as it was about the size of a 7 week old baby. I tried not to cry, but that lasted about 2 seconds. My mind was racing. What did I do? Why did this happen? How soon can we go through treatments again to get pregnant? Can I do that again? I would have been 37 when this baby was born since he was due a month after my birthday. I will be older than that with another baby. Is that too old?
The doctors told me not to worry about all that, but did say that they have patients that are over 40 and have healthy babies. They said I could try again, but not to worry about that now. They recommended that I have a confirming ultrasound in the morning and asked if I wanted that. I said yes. I had 3 options to choose from. One option was to wait for the miscarriage to happen on its own. The second option was to take medicine and wait for the miscarriage to happen in a few days or so. The third option was to have a procedure done (D&C).
My husband and I talked about it and we decided on option 3. Actually I probably decided on option 3 and my husband agreed to whatever option I chose. I couldn’t wait around for it to happen on its own as that would be even more depressing and I wanted to go through the treatments to get pregnant again as soon as possible due to my age. The doctor told me to come back at the clinic at 8:00 the next morning. I would have my confirming ultrasound and then meet with the 2nd OB who would perform the D&C. My OB was going out of town and couldn’t be here.
Both OB’s hoped they were wrong. I hoped they were wrong too, but didn’t think they were. I was tracking my blood sugars 5 times a day due to gestational diabetes (I had this with my first baby and was tested early in this pregnancy) and tracking my blood pressures due to having preeclampsia with my first pregnancy. My blood sugars and blood pressures had been great. My OB said that my blood sugars were probably so good because I had lost the baby around 7 weeks. I thought that could be the case, but I didn’t understand why my blood pressures were so low because pregnancy causes low blood pressure in the first trimester. I had some nausea, but not as bad as with my first pregnancy. I had been more tired too, but not as much as with my first baby.
During all of this, my husband called my friend who serves as an emergency contact for our daycare to see if she could pick up our daughter since we wouldn’t be able to get there in time. She had only met my daughter twice. I was worried that my daughter would be so scared and crying and screaming at someone else picking her up. We met them at our house. Our daughter was actually very good and quiet. I think she was too scared to cry or scream.
My husband called my mom to tell her because I wouldn’t have been able to talk as I would have been crying. After my mom knew, I took the phone and talked to my mom. My mom offered to come the next day to watch our daughter so she didn’t have to go to daycare.
My husband drove to work (at least an hour round trip) to get his laptop so he could work from home the next day after we got home from the OB clinic. My husband is also on call 24/7 for work although he rarely gets any calls.
My daughter knew something was wrong with mommy. Sometimes I would just start crying. I couldn’t wait for my husband to get home so I could be held and comforted. I asked my husband for some ice cream so he stopped at the grocery store on his way home from his work place. I wanted to drink, but I didn’t drink or take anything a pregnant woman shouldn’t take. I did this just in case my baby was ok. I did eat ice cream though even though I had gestational diabetes.
I got my daughter ready for bed. I rocked her and put her to bed. I went to the living room and cried. My daughter came out and I rocked her in the living room. I do not normally rock her in the living room so she doesn’t get in that habit at bedtime. I rocked her until about 8:30 and put her back to bed. She went to sleep.
I e-mailed work and told them I wouldn’t be in tomorrow. I told them why. Some of my co-workers knew I was pregnant, but most of them (including my boss) didn’t know yet. I was waiting until after the first trimester to announce the good news.
My husband got home after 8:30. He had been getting calls from work before he got home. He continued to get calls from work after he got home. I wanted him to tell them that we just had a miscarriage and he couldn’t work that night. Since he didn’t tell them, I wanted to tell them that when I answered the phone, but I didn’t. He ended up working until about 10:15 that night. I finally was able to be held when we went to bed.
I got very little sleep that night. What sleep I did get was not restful. If I was asleep, I dreamed about the miscarriage. I prayed that the OB’s were wrong and that my baby was alive and ok. I thought about what if the baby is alive and I have the D&C. I knew that I was having an ultrasound first though. I wondered how I would get over losing my baby. I didn’t think I would. I wanted to know if it was a boy or girl. I would always wonder if we lost a boy or girl. What did we do with the names we had picked out? Give the names to this baby and come up with new names for the next baby?
There’s more … continued in part 2.
This article was written by a guest writer, exclusively for The Soap Boxers. Check out all of our guest articles Like this site? Subscribe via RSS, Subscribe via Email, or Follow us on Twitter. The permanent URL for this article is:http://www.thesoapboxers.com/walking-to-my-doomsday/
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