The SoapBoxers

This is the conclusion of the story that was started yesterday.  Please be warned – this story is a marked departure from yesterday and is intended for mature audiences only!

Note: this story was written before Thursday football games were played and do not reflect the outcome of the real games.

Erin gently shook Kevin to wake him.

“Kevin! It’s time to get started.”

Kevin hopped up from his easy chair and walked to the closet. He returned with ropes. He bound Tom’s hands and feet together while Erin secured Kate in a similar fashion.

Erin returned to the kitchen and pushed aside a fake wall, exposing two large hidden compartments. She pushed open the two large doors before joining Kevin back in the living room. Kevin had sliced off Tom’s clothing, leaving the man as naked as when he entered the world. As Kevin hefted Tom’s body and took the first few halting steps toward the kitchen, Erin grabbed the knife and cut Kate’s clothing so that it could also be easily removed. A minute later, Kevin returned, grabbed Kate’s still-slumbering form, and made another trip to the kitchen.

Kevin slid Kate onto the grate and closed the door, locking it into place. He hit the button to activate the wash cycle. Tom and Kate were bathed with pulses of water, cleansing their skin perfectly. Kevin hit the button to activate the next cycle.

Tom began to regain his consciousness a bit. He was certain that he was smelling a very strong scent of butter. Butter? Where was that smell coming from? Three seconds later, Tom felt his body be assaulted with streams of hot, liquid butter. What the hell? The wine was having a very strong effect on Tom, but he was slowly coming to the realization that something was very wrong. He realized that he was flat on his back, with his hands and feet tied together. He was trussed up like a pig! There was something in his mouth. He couldn’t place the flavor at first, but soon realized that it was an apple. He felt the room slowly start to heat up and came to the realization that he was being cooked alive!

Tom tried to scream, but was unable to dislodge the apple. He struggled against his bonds, but could make no progress. He was wedged tightly into the oven and had limited mobility. Before long, Tom had been overcome by the heat.

“Go watch the game,” said Erin, giving Kevin a kiss. “Things are under control in here. It will be several hours before supper is ready.”

Kevin plopped down in front of the TV just as the second half was beginning. The Packers had fallen behind 21-0 in the first half, but this was not to be a good day for Tom’s golden boy, Matthew Stafford. Stafford threw four interceptions in the second half, lost a fumble, and was sacked four times. Kevin laughed at the meltdown of the rookie quarterback. Tom really didn’t know shit about football.

After the Packers had win the first game of the day and the Cowboys had steamrolled to a win in the second game of the day, it was time for supper.

When Kevin got to the kitchen, Erin had his plate ready for him. A big helping of potatoes, corn, stuffing, and gravy, along with a big chunk of drumstick a la Tom. On her own plate, Erin had a smaller bit of Tom’s leg, as well as a bit of white meat from Kate.

“I always did think turkey was a bit overrated.”

We got our daughter’s picture taken with Santa yesterday.  (It’s actually a pretty good day to do this, because everyone else at the mall is busy pushing and shoving other shoppers).  We asked if “Merry Christmas” could be printed on the border.  The lady told us they couldn’t do that, because of “the law”.

I have friends who practice quite a variety of religions.  If some people want to say “Happy Holidays”, I really won’t take offense.  There is not, however, any law that forbids a private company from printing the phrase “Merry Christmas” (or, for that matter, “Happy Ramadan”) on a product.  If there was, the legal department at Hallmark would be very, very nervous, since they sell a lot of greeting cards that contain this phrase.

And to take the argument to the next level … note that these weren’t some sort of generic holiday photos.  They are photos with Santa Claus.  Santa is tied very firmly to Christmas.

Welcome to a special, holiday edition of Fiction Friday.  This is a two part story.  While today’s installment is pretty normal, many people are likely to find tomorrow’s conclusion disturbing.  You have been warned …

“Oh, Kate, you didn’t have to bring anything,” said Erin, as she gave her friend a kiss on the cheek.

“Oh, it’s just a pumpkin pie. You and Kevin prepared the rest of the food – this is just a token of our appreciation.”

“Well, we definitely appreciate it,” chimed in Kevin. “Pumpkin pie is my favorite. Let me grab your coats. Dinner is ready to be served.”

Kevin hung up the coats while Kate and Tom followed Erin to the kitchen. The smell of turkey, stuffing, corn, and potatoes wafted through the air.

“Everything smells so good. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. What’s not a like about a national eating holiday?” laughed Tom.

Their hostess grabbed the carving knife. “What part of the turkey do you like, Tom?” she asked.

“I’m a leg man.” Tom held his plate out, and Erin slid a juicy drumstick onto it.

The four friends took their places around the table and began passing around bowls of food. Kevin took a large portion of mashed potatoes, topped the mound with stuffing and corn, and poured a river of gravy over the top. Tom grabbed two slices of Erin’s famous corn bread, and Kate served herself an extra large portion of the delicious cranberries. Erin herself appeared to play no favorite – she took equal portions of each dish – to the point of taking some of the white meat and some of the dark.

The foursome began their feast, and a pleasant silence enveloped the room, punctuated only by the sounds of chewing and an occasional burp. During the second helping, the eating began to slow a bit, and conversation resumed.

“Stafford’s going to light up the Packers,” proclaimed Tom, in between bites of turkey.

Kevin smiled politely. This was not the time to stoke and argument about the relative strengths of the Packers and Lions. Tom was a complete moron for believing that Detroit was on the same level with Green Bay. In the grand scheme of things, it really didn’t matter very much, though.

“He definitely had a good week against Cleveland. We’ll see if he can maintain that sort of momentum. Rookie quarterbacks can hit some bumps in the road.”

“This isn’t just any rookie,” exclaimed his friend. “This is Matthew effing Stafford, number one draft pick in the whole world.”

Erin interrupted Tom’s idol worship. “Does anyone have room for a slice of Kate’s pie?”

In spite of the large meal, everyone seemed to have just enough room for one slice of pumpkin pie. Tom loosened his belt a notch while Erin popped up from her chair. She returned to the table with the pumpkin pie, as well as a container of Cool Whip.

“Awesome,” said Tom. “There’s nothing better than pumpkin pie with Cool Whip.”

After everyone had finished their pie, Erin began to collect the dishes. Kate stood up the help her while the guys headed to the living room to watch football.

“It’s under control, Kate. I’ll handle the dishes. You can go watch the game.”

Kate put up a feeble protest before joined the men in front of the big screen TV. By the time that Kate had finished the dishes, all three were sound asleep, thanks to the turkey and wine.

TO BE CONTINUED …

In case you missed it, there was a FNN news story published earlier today.  FNN stands for Fake News Network …

Happy Black Friday.  We’re delaying Fiction Friday this week, but will have a special two-part story on Saturday and Sunday.  Today, however, we make a blatant attempt to get you to buy more stuff.

Yep, it’s your conscience telling you to read more often!  In the spirit of the Thanksgiving season, one thing that I am thankful for is the written works of my favorite authors.  How different my life would be without the pleasure of reading.  Winter is a great time to catch up on reading, since the weather sucks.

You’re looking for suggestions on some good books to read?  Well, you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll not only recommend some books to read, I’ll recommend a baker’s dozen of my favorite authors.  (Note: all of the links are Amazon affiliate links – which means I will get a small commission if you buy something.)

Yes, the authors are listed in order of preference.  You might noticed that there are no women on the list.  Fear not, I do not exclude female authors from my reading list.  Patricia Cornwell and Sue Grafton would probably be #14 and #15, but I had to stop somewhere.  There is a decent dropoff between this group of 13 and the next dozen authors that I follow, so I stopped at #13.

1. Lawrence Block – Lawrence Block is my hero. That’s really what it boils down to. From the moment I read his first book, he has ranked among my favorite authors. I particularly enjoy the comedic Burglar series and the hard boiled Scudder books. I profiled Block several months ago, so I won’t rehash the details.

2. Michael Crichton – Michael Crichton left us far too soon. Crichton is best known for Jurassic Park and the television show ER, but there are plenty of treasures amongst his works – Timeline, Sphere, Congo, Prey – the list goes on.

3. Jeffery Deaver – I was introduced to Jeffery Deaver by the movie The Bone Collector. You might not know this, by Deaver has an entire series of books related to Lincoln Rhyme (the character played by Denzel Washington).

4. Dan Brown – I have devoted quite a bit of digital ink to Dan Brown, reviewing The Lost Symbol, as well as his other works. Whether you like him or not, he tells an interesting tale.

5. John Sandford – There a local connection to John Sandford. Sandford is the pen name of Pulitzer prize winning writer John Camp, who hails from Cedar Rapids, Iowa originally. Sandford’s fictional detective Lucas Davenport works in various capacities for the Minneapolis police or the state of Minnesota over the course of the “Prey” novels. Davenport is well off financially because of a software company he owned, which is a cool twist. One of Davenport’s friends is Dell Capslock … whose name was taken off a computer keyboard.

6. William X. Kienzle – Kienzle is himself a former priest, and he writes about a priest (Father Koesler) who solves crimes. The books delve a bit into the inner workings of the church as well as some theology, but in a non-preaching way. As a Catholic myself, I find this background information interesting. Note: I’m linking to the search results for him instead of the main author page, because the author page is missing the vast majority of his books!

7. John Grisham – I’ve fallen toward the outer edge of the Grisham bandwagon in recent years, as he has started to write fewer legal thrillers and more books of other types. When he does publish a new lawyer book, I’m always first in line. The master hasn’t lost his touch; he simply decided to go some new directions.

8. Michael Connelly – I never really intended to become a big fan of Connelly. I’d just read the occasional book here and there. One day, I glanced at the list of his books and realized that i had really nearly 20 of his books! In addition to the Harry Bosch detective novels, Connelly is the author of Blood Work, which was turned into a Clint Eastwood film..

9. Nelson Demille – One of my favorite books of all time is The Lion’s Game. Most of DeMille’s books deal with international incidents and/or the military. In addition to The Lion’s Game, I strongly recommend Up Country, Charm School, and The General’s Daughter (which was turned into a movie starring John Travolta).

10. Douglas Preston and 11. Lincoln Child – it’s unusual enough to see a successful writing duo, much less one whose members also achieve success as solo authors. Together, they write books about FBI agent Pendergast. Among their solo efforts, I recommend Preston’s The Codex and Child’s Utopia.  The Codex reminds me a bit of Grisham’s The Testament.

12. Ed McBain – McBain is our lens into the inner workings of a police department –   in this case, the 87th precinct in New York City. Detective Steve Carella stars as the good guy in the series, but there are some negative cop characters, too – most notable, Fat Ollie Weeks from the neighboring 88th precinct.

13. John D. MacDonald – MacDonald’s hero, Travis McGee, takes his retirement in installments, rather than waiting until he is older. McGee lives on a houseboat (The Busted Flush, which he won in a poker game) and helps friends out of trouble every once in a while.

Brought to you by the Fake News Network.

POCATELLO (FNN)  An Idaho man recently broke a long standing record for turkey consumption.  Local welder Gerald Cooper ate turkey three times a day for 366 straight days – an incredible 1098 consecutive meals.  More incredibly, all of the turkey was prepared for Thanksgiving 2008!  FNN sent reporter Scoop Chevelle to Pocatello to get the scoop.

SCOOP:  Wow, Gerald.  Color me impressed.  What inspired you to do this?

COOP:  Well, Scoop, it really started by accident.  Wal-Mart had this great deal on turkeys, so I bought a bunch.  I planned a huge party for turkey day last year.  Hundreds of my closest friends and 600 pounds of turkey.  Unfortunately, I was a bit drunk when I sent the invitations.  In hindsight, the mailbox I put them into may have been a storm drain.  The end result is that nobody showed up.

SCOOP:  So you were left with 600 pounds of turkey and decided to eat all of it yourself?

COOP:  Yeah, that’s pretty much it.  Hey, I have a couple of big deep freezes, so I just tossed the leftovers into the iceboxes.  Really, it wasn’t bad for the first few months.  Obviously, Idaho has the best potatoes in the world – yeah, I see you Ireland.  Bring it ON!  The cranberries did get a bit gamey after the first week, though.

SCOOP:  How have you kept from getting sick of turkey every day?

COOP:  For the first six months, I just had plain old turkey sandwiches.  Then I began to mix it up a bit.  Turkey chili, turkey stroganoff, turkey energy shakes, turkey whiskey, turkey waffles, turkey tacos, turkey thermidor.

SCOOP:  Have you ever come close to missing a meal?

COOP:  Yes – May 18th was extremely close.  I was a bit hung over, and it was 11:30 by the time I realized that I hadn’t had my breakfast yet.  I snuck it in just under the wire.  Hey, as long as you’re done before noon, it counts as breakfast.

SCOOP:  How much turkey is left?

COOP:  Happily, none.  I had a handful of friends over last night, and we polished off the last 20 pounds.

SCOOP:  So, are you looking forward to Thanksgiving 2010?

COOP:  I think I’m having ham next year.

So, what’s up in Kosmo’s world?

I avoided the ladder

I encountered one of my more interesting driving experiences this week.  As I was driving into work, an extension ladder suddenly appeared on the road in front of me.  The ladder was in the two right lanes (of three total lanes) and I was in the right land, so I veered sharply right to avoid the ladder, then back sharply left to avoid leaving the roadway.  I felt a little bad about the lack of control the car exhibited during this maneuver – until I looked in my rear view mirror and saw another driver perform a carbon copy of my move.  I really didn’t need my morning caffeine after that – I was wide awake.

Baywatch (and Hollidaywatch)

Red Sox outfielder Jason Bay rejected a 4 year contract offer worth $60 million from Boston this week.  This sets an apparent floor on the value of Bay and fellow free agent outfielder Matt Holliday.  The emerging consensus, based an advanced statistical measures, is that the two players are comparable offensively (albeit with different strengths and weaknesses), and that Holliday is a better defender.

An interesting quirk is that Boston would actually come out ahead in terms of draft picks by allowing Bay to leave and nabbing Holliday as a free agent.  They would forfeit their first round pick to sign Holliday, but would receive a draft pick from the teams that signs Bay (assuming that a contender signs Bay, this would be a first rounder) as well as a sandwich pick between the first and second rounds.  The sandwiches are truly a free lunch – they picks are artificially added into the draft.  That’s why there are about 40 “first round” picks every year – in spite of the fact that there are only thirty teams.

There’s one important free agent who might be slipping under the radar of a lot of casual fans.  The name is Rudy Jaramillo.  Never heard of him?  What position does he play, you ask?  Hitting coach.  Jaramillo, widely renowned as the best hitting coach in baseball, is moving from the Texas Rangers to Chicago Cubs.  Don’t be surprised if you see several Cubs players have strong seasons at the plate.  Interestingly, the Rangers lose Jaramillo just one season after poaching standout pitching coach Mike Maddux (brother of Greg) from the Brewers.  What goes around, comes around, I guess.

Novels

I recently broke ground on my novel, Casting Stones.  I’ve been kicking around plot ideas for several months, but finally began the actual writing on Halloween.  I pushed past 6000 words on Friday and am making good progress.  The infrastructure for the plot is developing pretty well, with concrete ideas for seventeen chapters.  I see 15,000 words as a turning point – if I can make it to that point, I think there is a strong chance that I an maintain momentum and finish up with a full sized novel.

I’m not the only one working on a book.  Martin Kelly is working on his, of course.  We’ll see another installment of his NaNoWriMo diary tomorrow) and few other folks I know are either in the midst of writing a book, or are seriously considering one.  Go for it!  If you finish the book, great.  In any case, writing a book is an absurdly cheap hobby.

A substantial portion of the readers from The Soap Boxers are from the midwest, but we also have other people spread out over quite a geographic area – not just in the United States and Canada, but spread out across Europe and Asia as well (with the occasional visitor from Australia or New Zealand spread it).  Today’s article is mostly geared toward the out of area readers.

Jobs

When I say that I’m from Iowa, you might immediately jump to the conclusion that I grew up on a pig farm.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

It was a dairy farm.

While it’s true that a considerable portion of Iowa’s economy is tied to the agriculture industry, it is far from the only industry in the state.  My own “day job” is working in the information technology area of one of the most recognizable companies in the country.  Quite a few Fortune 500 companies have a presence in Iowa, and there are plenty of white collar jobs in the state.

Cost of Living

One of the best things about the midwest is a substantially lower cost of living than on the coasts.  I live in a city that is more expensive than most in the state, but it’s laughably less expensive than New York, San Francisco, Seattle, or even the larger metro areas within the midwest.  On the rare occasion that I watch a real estate show that watches people buy homes in other cities, I have to laugh.  People are paying multiples of what my house costs and getting a fraction of the space.

Caveat: salaries in cities such as New York, San Francisco, and Seattle can often by higher than those in the midwest.

Weather / Traffic

The midwest is blessed/cursed by the existence of seasons.  We don’t have the consistently frigid temperatures of Point Barrow or the baking heat of Death Valley, but it does get over 100 degrees in the summer and wind chills can dip to fifty degrees below zero in the winer (although that is fairly rare).  During the course of the year, we’ll get rain, snow, sleet, hail, freezing rain, fog, and even something fun called “wintry mix”.

One quirky thing that we do in Iowa answer the question of “How far is it to point X” in miles!  Why don’t we give the answer in minutes?  Well, because there’s a pretty standard conversion factor that everyone knows.  1 mile = 1 minute.  I work in one of the larger cities in the state, and a “major” traffic delay means 15-30 minutes.  A few years ago, I was delayed for nearly an hour!  For someone in NYC, this might not sound like much of a delay, but it’s historic around here 🙂

Politics

Considering that Iowa has the first-in-the-nation Iowa Caucuses, you may jump to the conclusion that Iowans are, by nature, very political people.  This really isn’t the case, though.  The registered voters in the state are split pretty evenly between Democrats, Republicans, and unaffiliated voters.  The Democrats have done well in recent elections, but any given election can turned based on how the substantial block of unaffiliated voters swing.

The big political news this year was the state supreme court legalizing gay marriage.  Iowa has never been known as an activist state, so this came as a surprise to many.  Opponents of gay marriage are proposing a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.  However, it’s difficult to even get such a measure on the ballot.  Such a measure must pass in the state house and senate in TWO consecutive state assemblies (an assembly lasts two years) before going in front of the voters.  With the Democrats in control of the state legislature, there is not chance of this occurring any time soon.  The next chance the Republicans would have to gain control would be in the 2011-2012 general assembly, meaning that it will be 2013, at the very earliest, before this measure could go in front of voters (since it must pass in TWO assemblies) – where it would face an uncertain fate.

What to Do – Sports

Iowa has no top-level professional sports teams.  However, we are within an easy day’s drive of Chicago, St. Louis, Minneapolis, Kansas City, and Milwaukee (or a more aggressive day’s drive to quite a few other cities).  So sports fans in Iowa aren’t completely shut out.  A nice bonus to this is that you don’t feel compelled to lock in to one particular sports team.  The fan base within the state is fractured.  The Cubs have a plurality among baseball fans, but there’s also a strong contingent of Cardinals and White Sox fans.  The Vikings probably have the most football fans right now, but this tends to flip-flop between the Vikings, Bears, and Packers depending on who is doing the best on the field.

The biggest sporting events in the state, however, are the college sports.  Iowa is the only state that has a team in both the Big 12 (Iowa State) and Big 10 conferences.  This leads not only to debates about which team is better, but also which conference is better.  (Iowa State and the Big 12 are better, of course).

If you’re a fan of college wrestling, Iowa is a great state for you.  Wrestling legends Dan Gable and Cael Sanderson wrestled for Iowa State, with Iowa native Gable later switching sides and turning the Iowa wrestling program into a juggernaut.  During the season, quite a few wrestling matches are televised on the state’s PBS station.

There are also quite a few race tracks in the state, ranging from go-kart tracks in the smaller towns all the way up the the Iowa Speedway in Newton, which features NASCAR Nationwide and truck racing, as well as an IRL race.

There are five affiliated minor league baseball teams (headlined by the AAA Iowa Cubs) as well as an independent league team in the state.  There is also the Field of Dreams movie site in Dyersville (a hop-skip-and-a-jump from my hometown).  It has been twenty years since the movie came out, but the field still attracts visitors.  Admission is free.  They do accept donations and will happily sell you merchandise.

What to Do – Non-Sports

OK, I realized that not everyone is a sports fan.  What is there for the non-sports fan to do?  Well, of course there is access to activities in the larger metro areas mentioned earlier, but what is there to do within Iowa itself?

Hebert Hoover Presidential Library – It might surprised you to know that Iowa is home to a presidential library.  The library and music of native Herbert Hoover can be found in West Branch.

Cable Cars – Cable cars aren’t just for San Francisco.  You can recreate the experience in Dubuque, riding up the side of a hill in a cable car.  I was there when I was a kid, and it was pretty cool.

Burial Mounds – Effigy Mounds National Monument features more than 200 Native American burial mounds, including 31 that were formed into the shapes of animal.

The Bridges of Madison Country – Yep, Iowa is the home of the covered bridges of movie fame.

Rivers – Iowa is bordered by the Mississippi and Missouri Rivers.  This provides great access for fisherman (and fisherwomen), and has also resulted in interesting topography for hikers.  Personally, I like the bluffs along the Mississippi.

The Basilica of State Francis Xavier – Don’t think there’s gothic architecture in Iowa?  Check out the Basilica and you won’t be disappointed.

RAGBRAI – Every year, thousands of people participate in this ride across this state.  It’s half exercise and half party.  Well, maybe that’s not the exact percentage 🙂  They change the route every year (but it’s always west to east)

I’ve just scratched the surface … swing by and visit Iowa some time.

My name is Dollar Bill. You can call me Bill. Like most of my family, I was born in the Philadelphia mint. I remember it like it was yesterday. At birth, I was attached to my siblings in a sheet. We were sliced apart and sent to a federal reserve bank. I was sent to Chicago.

Shortly after my arrival in Chicago, I ended up at Wrigley Field. I couldn’t see the game, because of my obstructed seat in the cash register. I could hear the crack of the bat and the excitement of the crowd. I loved my new home.

In the middle of the fourth inning, I was given to a man in change after he purchased two foot long hot dogs, nachos, and two large Cokes. I was hoping that he would share some of the foot with me, but he didn’t. After the game, we left the ballpark and went to the man’s home.

I received a crash course in life at this point. The man was addicted to cocaine, and the crisp new $1 bill (that would be me, Bill) was his instrument of choice for snorting his cocaine. The cocaine gave me awful headaches, and my brilliant green skin became speckled with white spots.

After several weeks, I became depressed at the prospect of living the rest of my life this way. Fortunately, I fell out of favor with the drug user. My body lost some of its firmness, and he found another bill that was still crisp and new. I disappeared into a pop machine when the druggie bough a Pepsi. I sighed with relief. I had escaped.

I chilled out in the pop machine for a few days. It was great to be away from the dealer and his drug parties. The relative silence of the pop machine was a welcome change.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, I was living in the cash register at a used book store. It was a pretty cool place to live – the guy who ran the place loved to talk about books with all the customers. Before long, though, it was time to move on once again. An older gentleman bought a slightly used copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and received me as part of his change.

I got to meet the guy’s grandson the next day. The kid is pretty cool. He’s learning how to ride his bike, and he’s taking a few tumbles along the way. He always gets right up and jumps back on the bike, though. Resilient little fellow. The grandpa was proud of the kid’s efforts and gave him a dollar to put in his piggy bank. Not just any dollar – but me!

Now I’m sitting in Billy’s piggy bank. Billy’s mom tells him that he needs to save up all of his money for a trip to Disney World. I’m very excited – I’ve never been to Disney World. I can’t wait to meet Mickey Mouse!

I have written a few other articles on the topic of writing fiction. Today, I’ll spend our time together talking solely about the development of characters.

Let them have a little fun

Characters are the lifeblood of any story. If your characters are dull, your story will be uninteresting. Conversely, an interesting character can not only captivate your audience, but also inspire you during the writing process.

Recently, Martin Kelly mentioned that he liked his characters. To an outsider, it might seem odd, but I also find myself relating with characters. With a short story, a writer doesn’t spend a lot of time developing characters, due to the compressed nature of the writing. For longer stories, though, many hours can be spent molding the character.

In order to explore various plot scenarios, I often will send my characters to the “back burner” of my brain to let them try out various experiences in and effort see what experiences are good fits of the plot and which are not.

The net result is that I create a nearly sentient being. These characters can run wild inside the imagination of an author, living very full lives as they rush to and fro, experiencing all that life has to offer. Do I sometimes wake up and wonder what a character did while I was sleeping? Well, um, sometimes.

Let your characters have fun, and you will have more fun writing about them.

Attributes of a character

One problem I have stumbled across is that many of my characters are quite slender. Why is this? Quite simply because I’m projecting. I stand a shade under six feet tall and tip the scales around 150 pounds. Not surprisingly, it is easier for me to write about slender characters than it is to write about characters who are 5’4” and 275 pounds. I simply don’t have as solid a frame of reference for the other characters.

I also have a habit of making most of my characters physically attractive. Most of my characters also have very engaging personalities. Many of them share the interests and hobbies that I myself enjoy. In short, they are people that I would get along with great.

So, by default, I have a bunch of Stepford characters running amok in my brain. In terms of their usefulness as imaginary friends, this is pretty nifty. Unfortunately, these happy-go-lucky characters make for a pretty lousy plot – because there is not conflict.

Thus, I am always compelled to roughen the edges on a few of the characters. Interestingly, it isn’t difficult for me to create truly bad characters such as murderers – I struggle more with putting a few necessary blemishes on the nice people. For the most part, I actually fail at this. The majority of my characters are still much nicer than I would like.

So, it’s OK to like some of your characters, but you should also dislike a few – and dislike some aspects of nearly all of the characters. Also, avoid using yourself as too much of a reference point. After finishing up the writing of Key Relationships, I was stunned to find out that the vast majority of the story is written from the male perspective! Even worse, there was no valid plot-related reason for this.

Names and Dialogue

If you write a lot of stories, it can be difficult to constantly find new names. You may find yourself using names of family, friends, and celebrities. Within the past year, I have begun going to the source. The US Census Bureau tracks first and last names and ranks them by how common they are. This is, in a word, SWEET. Not only does it provide you with names you may not have considered previously, but it also lets you know how common the name is.

As we segue smoothly from names to dialogue, we encounter the topic of names being used as part of the dialogue. It is important to avoid overusing the names of characters during the dialogues. If Mark and Bob are speaking to each other, you need not use “Mark” or “Bob” during each line of dialogue – you will drive your readers crazy.

It is also important to spice up the dialogue with a bit of variety. “Said” is a perfectly fine word, but people can also ask, shout, exclaim, whisper, hiss, utter, reply, or comment. Amazingly, most of the time you can simply avoid using any of these verbs. The presence of quotes already makes the reader aware of the fact that someone is speaking.

Finally, natural dialogue will typically be less formal than the prose that surrounds it. Spoken language tends to be less formal than written language – in large part due to the minimal preparation before speaking. If your characters’ dialogue sounds as if they are reading it from a teleprompter, it won’t ring true to your audience.

I probably made my first purchase via the internet in about 1994. I’m sure the purchase for a few dollars worth of baseball cards. In the fifteen years since then, I have bought a multitude of things on the internet. Some things just seems to be best purchased over the internet – I’ve given some examples below.

Filters – Our furnace has a SpaceGard (now AprilAire) air cleaner. Most of the time, this is OK. When it comes time to change the filter, this can be a royal pain. The good thing is that these filters only need to be replaced every sixth months – much less frequently than a normal furnace filter.

The bad news is that changing the filter is a somewhat complicated process. Due to the setup of the utility closet, it is necessary to first remove bi-fold doors from the track in order to access the filter. Note: this design decision was NOT my brilliant idea. Then the actual filter unfolds like an accordion. Little plastic “combs” are supposed to keep the filter’s pleats properly space. Except that the combs no longer snap firmly into the filter assembly.

These filters are hard to find in retail stores. I finally thought to look on the internet. Not only were they cheaper, but they were available in a little box unit that just slides right into the assembly – no combs needed! I still need to take the doors off the tracks and put them back on, but no more messing around with the combs. That’s a win.

I’ve also found good deals on humidifier filters online. They’re the same item you see in the retail stores, but lower priced and delivered right to your door. Sweet.

Computer accessories – If you need to buy a computer cable or flash memory (such as the memory card for your camera), think twice before buying them in a retail store. You’ll pay a lot less buying them online – often a small fraction of the cost. Often, you’re buying the exact same product. And when it comes to cables, don’t let a salesperson bully you into thinking only a certain brand of cable will work. Unless you have a funky device that requires a special adapter, any brand of cable will work just fine. A gigabit Ethernet cable is going to provide the exact same top speed, regardless of brand, and a USB 2 cable is going to comply to version 2 of the USB standards (hence the moniker USB 2) regardless of manufacturer.  Standards are just that – standards.

Books and CD – I have been known to go absolutely crazy on Half.com. I once bought a dozen William X. Kienzle paperbacks for $20, shipped! Not only is that a better price than retail used book stores but Kienzle is a hard author to find, so I save a lot of effort tracking them down over the internet. I also buy CDs on Half.com, particularly when I become a fan of an artist who already has several items out.

If you have the patience to wait a month or so, you’ll see hot new hard covers books for just a few bucks on Half.

Out of market sports merchandise – I live 800 miles away from the Denver home of my beloved Colorado Rockies. That means that I can’t just pop into a retail store to pick up a Rockies shirt of jacket. Buying through the official Rockies store can be pricey. This is where eBay comes in handy. Last year, I bought a Starter brand winter coat, in great condition, for a total cost (price + shipping) of about $30. The coat appears to be nearly new. How much does the coat cost new? $100.

In 2008, the Rockies gave away replica National League trophies to celebrate their run to the 2007 World Series.  I couldn’t be in attendance on the date of the giveaway, of course – but I did end up with a trophy.  A friend from Purple Row sold me one for a very fair price.