Bold Predictions for 2010

January 24, 2010

What’s ahead in the year ahead? Kosmo takes his best guess.

Sports

The Big 10 finally expands to 12 teams, allowing it to have a conference title game. The new school, Sarah Lawrence College, is the trendy pick to claim the conference’s automatic BCS bid.
The Cubs will fail to win the World Series.
Notre Dame will fail to win the BCS National Championship.
USC will be penalized by the NCAA because of athletes receiving improper benefits.
The St. Louis Rams will double their win total from 2009.
Brett Favre retires. And then unretires. And then retires again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
John Madden will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and if you can score more points than the other team, you have a good chance of winning the game.
Jimmie Johnson’s run at a fifth consecutive NASCAR title comes to an abrupt end when pranksters release a “little bit” of air from his tires before the season ending race at Homestead. Jeff Burton denies all responsibility.
Joe Buck will be fired for incompetence when he repeatedly refers to Matt Holliday as “Pat Hentgen”.

Business

The tobacco industry fights for approval to have their warning label changed. The new label reads: “Cigarette smoking is hazardous to your health – but not nearly as bad for you as drop-rail cribs.”
People finally stop buying stock in the old GM when Smokey Bear echoes the words of the US Government and the SEC by proclaiming that the stock will be completely worthless.
AIG pays back all the money they owe the government.
Google buys Twitter, Microsoft, Disney, Apple, Wikipedia, Dole, Berkshire Hathaway – and in a move that stuns everyone, attempts to buy itself via a hostile takeover. The hostile takeover is foiled by renegade executives who launch a denial of service attack against the buyers.
The postal services will raise postal rates.

News & Politics

In November, California voters pass a ballot initiative that legalizes gay marriage.
On the same November ballot, California voters pass a ballot initiative that reaffirms the current ban on gay marriage.
In mid-December, California slides into the Pacific Ocean.
A celebrity will die at a very young age. The world will be shocked.
Sarah Palin mobilizes a run for president. Palin/Palin 2010 gains immediate support from the conservative base. When Palin is informed that there is not a presidential election is 2010, she replies “I can see death panels from my front porch!”

Art, Entertainment, & Literature

Danielle Steele releases eight new books.
The art world is excited about a mysterious new piece of art. Many art experts are unemployed eight days later when the “organic brown pigment on white paper” is discovered to be a coffee stain left on a napkin by a visitor.
Michael Jackson’s estate earns eleventy trillion dollars from album sales, movie royalties, t-shirts, coasters, and revenue from the Neverland Hotel and Casino.
On March 18, the Mickey Mouse gang is stunned to discover that the Mystery Mousketool will not fix the problem. Much sadness.
Conan O’Brien, blackballed by the major networks, lands a deal with PBS. O’Brien hosts a children’s show that focuses on literacy. The show, Conan the Librarian, is a complete flop.

The SoapBoxers