With everyone, including Barack Obama, painting the sitting president as an underdog, I feel compelled to suggest that everyone is wrong. In fact, the Republicans can’t win – and here’s a candidate-by-candidate breakdown of why they will fail.

Sarah Palin – The rest of this article is intended to be taken as satire, but my words about Palin are my true beliefs.  I feel that she does not really want to be the president.  I think that she craves publicity, money, and power.  You can get this from the presidency, but you can also get it from the sidelines – and with far fewer restrictions on your actions.  You can even argue that a non-politician can influence voting patterns more than a president.  Who has done more the shape the ideology of the current Republican party  – George W. Bush or Rush Limbaugh?  I think Palin will continue to write books and continue to pop up on the TV – and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her sliding into that role.  I don’t, however, see her as a serious presidential candidate.

Ronald Reagan – He’s dead and has already served two terms as president.  In spite of these obstacles, it seems that there are some in the party who feel that he’d be the best man for the job.

Mitt Romney – The most interesting thing about Mitt Romney’s first name is that it is not Mitt.  Yes, Willard Mitt Romney chooses to go by his middle name of Mitt rather than Will or Bill.  While this demonstrates toughness, especially in the face of schoolyard bullies, it does bring into question his decision-making process.

Herman Cain – Cain is unelectable, for one obvious reason.  He killed his brother, Abel.

Rick Perry – He couldn’t win the Iowa Straw Poll, even with his campaign being bolstered by TV ads from Stephen Colbert’s super PAC Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.  If you can’t win with Colbert Nation pushing you along, you certainly can’t win on your own.

Rick Santorum – He’s not even the most popular Rick in the race.  If Santorum can’t strong arm Google, how can he expect to force the legislative and judicial branches to do his bidding?

Michele Bachmann – First, there’s the name.  One L in Michele or two?  One N in Bachmann or two? Easier just to vote for Ron Paul.  Whenever I hear her name, I feel the need to take the 8:15 into the city.  Four years of Taking Care of Business stuck in my head would be four years too many.

Ron Paul  – Paul was the Pennsylvania state champion in the 220 yard run in high school.  Guess what, Ron?  The race to the White House is a marathon, not a sprint.

Newt Gingrich – Seriously, he’s named after a rodent.  Maybe Gopher Tillman or Squirrel McGee can run in ’16.

Chris Christie – Christie announced that he wasn’t going to run.  It’s probably for the best.  The GOP nominee in 2012 will likely try to sell themself as having new and original ideas.  It might be difficult for a guy with basically the same first and last name to hold himself up as the bastion of creativity.  Not that he named himself, but he has the genes of his parents.  (If you were hoping for some fat jokes, you won’t get any from me.)

One thing that really jumps out at me is all the candidates with first names masquerading as last names – Perry, Paul, and Christie (and Cain, if you’re old school).  I’m not sure what to make of this odd coincidence, except that it’s likely to be tied into the End of Days.

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Kosmo is the founder of The Soap Boxers and writes on a variety of topics. Many of his short stories have been collected into Kindle books.

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