The SoapBoxers

This is a preview of the American League teams.  You can also see my thoughts on the National League Playoff teams.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays – AL East Champions (96-66)

How they got here:
The young Devil Rays team battled the veteran Yankees for the division title and emerged victorious. They were 42-32 in the second half, but just 15-15 in the last thirty games.

Strengths:

• Rising superstar David Price went 19-6 with a 2.72 ERA
• Three starters topped 200 innings pitched
• Closer Rafael Soriano notched 45 saves and posted a 1.73 ERA

Weaknesses:

• Aside from 3B Evan Longoria and OF Carl Crawford, nobody in the lineup really scares you. 1B Carlos Pena had 28 homers, but posted just a .196 batting average. Longoria and Crawford were the only regulars with a batting average higher than .263.
• The back end of the rotation has some holes.  Actually, once you get beyond Price, there’s a decent drop-off.

Player to watch:
Evan Longoria hit fewer home runs this year, but don’t be fooled – he’s one of the best young players in the game.

New York Yankees – AL Wild Card (95-67)

How they got here:
After a long duel with the upstart Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the Yankees lost the division race by a single game and ended up as the wild card. The Yankees were just 39-35 after the All-Star break, including 13-17 in September and October.

Strengths:

• Five players with 24 or more homers, led by 1B Mark Teixeira
• 21 game winner CC Sabathia and resurgent veteran Andy Pettitte both posted ERA below 3.50
• Closer Mariano Rivera remains one of the best in the game

Weaknesses:

• Only one regular with a batting average higher than .288
• Get deeper into the rotation, and there is a significant drop-off in talent level
• Derek Jeter is winding up the worst season of his career – and might be in significant decline

Player to watch:
2B Robinson Cano has always hit for good average (.309 career average is 12th highest among active MLB players), but has added a power stroke in the last few years, with 25 homer last year and 29 this year. That’s great production from a middle infield position – watch for the Yankees to become Cano’s team in the next few years.

Minnesota Twins – AL Central Champions (94-68)

How they got there: After a lackluster 46-42 record in the first half of the season, the Twins posted a 48-26 record in the second half to pull away in the division.

Strengths:

• Catcher Joe Mauer had his power numbers fall back to their normal levels, but continued to be the heart and soul of the team. He posted a .327 batting average and has the 3rd highest career batting average of any active player (also .327)
• DH Jim Thome popped 25 homers in just 340 at bats as he looks toward the end of a Hall of Fame career.

Weaknesses:
Nobody in the rotation is really a bona fide ace.  Journeyman Carl Pavano led the team with 17 wins – nobody else won more than 14.  Brian Duensing has looked promising (10-3, 2.62), but he has just 22 career starts under his belt.

Player to watch:
It’s seems like OF Delmon Young has been in the league forever, and many fans have already written him off as a bust. However, Young just turned 25 in September and took a significant step forward this year, hitting 21 homers to go along with a .298 batting average. There’s plenty of upside potential for Young, especially if he can take a few more walks.

Texas Rangers – AL West Champions (90-72)

How they got here: A 21-6 record in the month of June pushed them to a big lead, and they were never seriously challenged in the division race. They had the luxury of resting some players down the stretch to get them healthy for the playoffs (notably Josh Hamilton).

Strengths:

• Middle of the order hitters: OF Josh Hamilton led the league with a .359 batting average and hit 32 homers, DH Vlad Guerrerro resurrected his career with 29 homers, and OF Nelson Cruz contributed 22 homers in just 399 at bats.
• Rotation: C.J. Wilson finally got an opportunity to start and responded with 15 wins and a 3.35 ERA, while 24 year old Tommy Hunter went 13-4 with a 3.73 ERA. Veteran Colby Lewis overachieved to post a 3.72 ERA. Although mid-season acquisition Cliff Lee didn’t pitch as well as the Rangers hoped down the stretch, he’s still a force to be reckoned with in the playoffs and is the ace of the staff.

Weaknesses:
There are holes in the lineup. SS Elvis Andrus provided zero homers, and the Rangers also struggled to get offensive production out of the 1B and Catcher spots.

Players to watch:
I can’t settle on just one. OF Josh Hamilton is a great story – a former number one overall pick finally getting past his demons to break out as a superstar. 22 year old closer Neftali Feliz is one of the best young pitchers in the game. Elvis Andrus has struggled offensively, but he’s just barely 22 years old.

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever wondered why only two political parties are dominating the American political scene? In every other democratic nation of the world, there are multiple parties requiring coalitions to govern. Not so in the United states, where the only time cooperation is necessary is when the legislative and executive branches of the government are in separate hands.

There are several institutional reasons for the two party system in America. First of all, the United States is not a democracy, it is a democratic republic. This is important in that in a true democracy, the people are continuously involved in the governing process, such as in Switzerland where there are elections almost every week. Second, our elections are fixed by the calendar, not by events. In the socialist democratic nations such as France, Germany and the United Kingdom, any vote of confidence lost by the ruling party or coalition will result in a new election. Third, we have separation of our legislative and executive branches. In most democracies of the world, the legislature elects a prime minister who is the defacto executive of the country. Sure, the United Kingdom has the Queen and many nations have presidents, but these people are there to be the consistency rather than the power.

All of this still does not add up to a two party system. I believe that the United States falls into this habit (yes habit) based on our innate love of a stand up fight. We want just two people in the ring beating the snot out of each other. Everything we do for entertainment or even business is a one on one match. From sporting events like the BCS championship to the burger wars, we only concentrate on the top two. There are others out there, but all of the publicity goes to the top two with a slight mention of the also rans.

When this country was in its infancy, we had two parties; the Democratic-Republicans and the Federalist. After a few years, the Federalists dropped out and the Whigs came along. Just before the Civil ware, the Whigs collapsed and the Democratic-Republicans split into the Democrats and the Republicans. Most of the Federalists became Whigs when they lost several presidential elections in a row and were in a feeble minority in both houses. The same thing happened when most of the Whigs became Republicans.

The talking heads have always pointed out that a vote for a third party is a throw away vote. When you are talking pure ability to get elected, that may be true in the short run. A grass roots effort to fundamentally change an existing party can be devastating to that party’s power such as is predicted for the Republican party with the Tea party movement. But if neither major party supports even some of your basic values, then voting for the least bad is still a bad decision. It re-enforces the existing power.

It took 24 years for the Whigs to gain even a moniker of power after the Federalist collapse. It took 16 years of the Democratic-Republicans to recover from the Jackson Democrat revolt, which also resulted in the current parties.

There are plenty of options for you if you want to vote your platform, there are only two if you are voting for power.

Here are just a few of the ones I looked up, there are plenty more.

Modern Whig – http://www.modernwhig.org/
Green – http://www.gp.org/index.php
Constitution – http://www.constitutionparty.com/
Socialist – http://www.sp-usa.org/
Conservative – http://www.conservativepartyusa.com/
Libertarian – http://www.lp.org/
Communist – http://www.cpusa.org/

Woonsocket, R.I. (FNN)  A small Rhode Island software company is about to launch a product that promises to make many consumers’ dream come true.  Avenger Software Solutions will soon be releasing its Ouch! software for the iPhone and Android.  The app allows the user to send a surge of electricity to someone on the other end of a phone conversation.

Wolf Pascal, CEO of Avenger, described his company’s product to Fake News Network.  “The basic building blocks for Ouch! were taken from the WiTricity project at MIT.  What we’ve done is adapted this technology for use with cellular telephones.  We are able to draw electricity from the user’s mobile handset and send it wirelessly across the cellular grid.  When it reaches the person on the other end of the call, they receive an unpleasant, yet nonlethal electric shock.  The intensity of the shock is based on the remaining capacity of the user’s cell phone battery.”

In a related announcement, Avenger’s hardware division announced that they will be producing high capacity batteries for several smart phones.

Ouch! has drawn criticism from several telemarketer advocate groups, who fear that the software is unsafe at any speed.

“This software clearly has the ability to cause serious and permanent brain damage.  Avenger must be stopped at all costs,” commented an angry Graham Bell, head of the Center for Telemarketer Acceptance.

We spoke to Avenger’s head of testing, Frank Milgram.  He steadfastly refuted the claims made by Bell and his colleagues.  “Our testing has led to believe that there are absolutely no long term effects.  Would you like some coffee?  Our testing has led to believe that there are absolutely no long term effects.  Would you like some coffee?  Our testing has led to believe that there are absolutely no long term effects.  Would you like some coffee?”

While cell phone users will soon be reaping great benefits from Ouch!, the fact remains that the vast majority of telemarketing calls are made to landline phones.  Might a similar product make its way to landline users at some point?

“We’re definitely working on that,” replied Pascal.  “We have a prototype hardware device that could be attached to a landline phone.  However, at this point, we don’t feel that we could bring it to market at a price point that would be acceptable to consumers.”

Ouch! – coming to an App Store near you.

Brought to you by FNN – Feral, unbalanced.

Martin Kelly starts off  a month of guest fiction stories.  If you want your short story to be featured, send me an email at kosmo@observingcasually.com

There is nothing quite as pleasant as a cool bright fall day in the heartland of America. Make it a Saturday in a university town, and it gets even better. The band is playing, the people are gathering, many drinking too much, all eating too much. This was going to be a great season.

Coach Grendle had finally put together the best team in the league. Nine returning seniors, the two best freshmen in the state, a Heisman candidate at both running back Walter Sumpter and quarterback Jackie Shamacker and award candidates all over the defense. This was one last warm up before league play. The first two games had been against strong teams, one from the west coast and one from the deep south. Both wins were solid; 38-28 and 24-10. Today they faced the tech school from across the state. It was an annual gimme game that pleased the regents. It was nice to play at home this year, their stadium was small and old with no heating in the locker room, not like the newly renovated one hundred and ninety million dollar stadium for today’s game.

As each team lined up for the opening kickoff, Coach Grendle scanned the field. The Tech players looked so young and small. He spotted Coach Smackly on the far side line and gave him a grim look and a nod. Coach Smackly smiled and waved. This would be the only televised game for Tech, they were happy to be here even if they were thirty two point underdogs.

The kick off was a beautiful high arch. Wilson caught the ball and plowed straight ahead. It took four tech players to finally pull him down. Grendle’s proud offence jogged onto the field. Sumpter to the left for 14 yards followed by a quick slant from Shamacker to Wilson for 14 more, just as the planned. Grendle was taking notes, thing that were not quite perfect and need to be for league play. It was the third play that changed the world.

Sumpter took off straight up the middle. He had several of the big guys escorting him up the field. Five yards, then ten, before the Tech Safety caught him. The tackle was clean and should have been uneventful, except for the presence of the guard and center. A combined 500 pounds landed on Sumpter’s leg. Coach Grendle knew the leg was broken before the pile was untangled. There was a long delay as Sumpter was carried off of the field on a golf cart.

Grendle had worked through disasters like this in the past. He had five more running backs ready to go. Jackson was good, not as fast and not as strong as Sumpter, but still high quality. After a long break, the defense can usually get caught flat footed. Grendle signaled for a deep pass.

Shamacker dropped back in a smooth motion. Wilson was breaking free, but then another mistake. McMiller, the left guard stepped backward and stepped on Shamacker’s foot. Off balance McMiller and the Tech linebacker fell on Shamacker. His pass fluttered in a sickening arch directly to the Tech Safety who was guarding the Jackson as he left the backfield. There was no one between him and the end zone. Touchdown Tech, and another golf cart for the home team.

Coach Grendle saw many things in those few moments. This game they could still win, but the rest of the season was over. He would have to talk to Smackly after the game. Smackly was good friends with the retiring coach at A&I. Another losing season and the alumni will be calling for his head.

[Editor’s note: You may find more political articles from me as November approaches.  I’m not affiliated with either party.  I lean left on quite a few issues, but am quite conservative on others.  However, the intricacies of the process and the probabilities of certain events intrigue me – and it’s likely that this will serve as the basis for most of my articles.]

Lisa Murkowski, Republican Senator from Alaska, was defeated in the GOP primary by Joe Miller, a candidate backed by Sarah Palin.  Following her defeat, Murkowski announced that she will be mounting a write-in candidate for her senate seat – much to the disappointment of Republican leaders.  Former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich went so far as top say that Murkowski is “fundamentally cheating.”

The reason for the concern is obvious.  Either Miller or Murkowski would be a cinch to beat Democrat Scott McAdams head-to-head.  However, it is possible that Murkowski’s write-in candidacy will pull enough votes away from Miller to allow McAdams to pull off a victory with around 35% of the vote.  That’s a worst case scenario, of course – a Rasmussen poll from September 19 showed McAdams trailing both Miller and Murkowski.  It’s a wild card, though – and a risk the Republicans would prefer to avoid.

But is Murkowski – and other candidates who lose primaries but remain in the race – actually cheating?  By losing the primary, they have certainly given up the right to be listed as the Republican or Democrat on the ballot.  But it’s worth noting that this is all the primaries decide – the person who will be officially endorsed by the party.  They don’t determine a candidate’s overall eligibility for the race.  Murkowski can’t be the endorsed Republican in the race, but she’s certainly entitled to remain in the race in any other fashion – the Republicans have no control over that.  The Republicans and Democrats should not be given special priority on the ballots, and certainly should not be allowed to rule other candidates ineligible.

Of course, the other question is whether or not Murkowski’s run is a good idea.  Probably not.  She may have been better served to wait until 2014 and lock horns with Mark Begich.  You may remember that Begich narrowly defeated the late Senator Ted Stevens at a point when Stevens was neck deep in corruption charges.  Clearly, this helped the Begich campaign, and he might not be able to win against Murkowski.  A Murkowski win against Begich would result in both of Alaska’s senators being Republicans – something that would likely curry favor with Republicans.  Her current write-in campaign has only served to anger them.  Murkowski was currently removed as the ranking member of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee as retribution for her campaign.

Across the country, in the state of Delaware, there is a situation that is very similar, yet very different.  Mike Castle, backed by the GOP establishment, was upset by Tea Party favorite Christine O’Donnell in the primary.  The only person happier than O’Donnell was her Democratic challenger, Chris Coons.  Coons was trailing Castle badly in the polls – but leading O’Donnell by a wide margin.  Overnight, this race turned from an almost certain Republican win to an almost certain Democratic win.

What could save the bacon for the Republicans?  Well, if Mike Castle were to run as a write-in candidate, he might be able to eke out a win and put the seat into GOP hands.  He’s mulling the possibility and has until the end of today to decide.  The wrinkle in this is that it’s going to be awfully hard to portray Castle as playing within the rules while at the same time painting Murkowski as a cheater.

Thursday

Texas A&M @ Oklahoma State (-3.5) Could be a shootout, I like the home team. OSU – 35- A&M 28

Saturday

Miami (-3.5) @ Clemson – Take the Hurrigansters until proven otherwise. Miami – 31- Clem 20

Virginia Tech (-3.5) @ North Carolina State – wow…both of these teams are bad. Va Tech 27- NC St 17

Northwestern (-4.5) @ Minnesota – Wildcats eat Gophers. NW – 28- MINN 21

Navy @ Air Force (-7.5) – Gimmie the home team in a cover. AF 24- Navy 23

Texas vs Oklahoma (-4.5) – Red River shootout lost its luster after the Horns got cooked by Skippy Nuhiesel last week. OU – 35- Tex 20

Wisconsin @ Michigan State (even) – John Clay for Heisman! WI – 24- Mich St 20

Arizona State @ Oregon State (-6.5) – This one is not on the Smurf Turf. Ore St – 27- ASU 14

Georgia (-2.5) @ Colorado – The Buffs are Horrid. GA- 40- CU 14

Texas Tech (-4.5) @ Iowa State – Tech goes wild in Ames. TT- 35- IA St 17

Florida @ Alabama (-7.5) Florida Came alive last week. This one will be close. FLA 24- Bama 21

Washington @ USC (-11.5) – The Huskies are even More Horrid than the Buffs. USC – 46- Wash 21

Notre Dame (-1.5) @ Boston College – ND cannot stop anyone. Not even another Catholic School. BC 21- ND 20

Penn State @ Iowa (-7.5) – Like the Hawks. But not to cover. Iowa 21- Penn St 17

Stanford @ Oregon (-6.5) – The ducks are like watching a live version of Madden 2011. Ore 45- Stan 35

Some people are under the impression that a person must be a CPA in order to be an “accountant”.  That’s not true.  Accountant is a very generic term, encompassing  a wide variety of roles – some of which require certifications and some that do not.  In fact, not every accountant even strives to be a CPA.

I received dual Bachelor of Science degrees in Accounting and Marketing.  Unlike many of my peers, I wasn’t overly fond of financial accounting (balance sheets, income statements, etc).  I much preferred cost accounting – figuring out how much a widget cost to make and finding ways to shave a few cents off the cost.  Cost accounting is more complex than it appears on the surface, because of the makeup of costs.  Some costs are completely fixed, some are completely variable, and some are fixed within a certain range.  There’s quite a lot of analysis and algebra involved – which is probably why I liked it.

My other interest was in auditing – particularly in fraud detection.  I took two auditing classes in college, the second of which was essentially a series of case studies on some famous fraud cases – taking a look at what led up to the fraud and how it could have been detected earlier.  I can only imagine how much more interesting this course would be today, in the wake of Enron, Madoff, and the other major fraud cases of this century.

I was interested in gaining certification, but not as a CPA.  I was interested in becoming a CMA (Certified Management Account) or CFE (Certified Fraud Examiner).

However, as a 21 year old college senior, I had to face reality.  Employers had an interest in accounting students who were pursuing the CPA designation.  So I signed up for the exam and bought a couple of massive study guides.

Fast forward to the spring.  I have landed a job – working in an IT department.  The basic gist of the job is that I will provide support for accounting systems (it ended up morphing into a much different role over the years, but that’s a story for another day).  Not only was a CPA not required, it wasn’t something that seemed likely to advance my career much.

During the spring semester, I had been balancing the job search with a full course load (18 credits) and a part-time job.  In particular, one of my marketing classes ended up sucking up a ton of time.  In a nutshell, I had to determine which was more important – my grades or my performance on the CPA exam.  Due to their permanence, grades won out, and I prepared for the CPA exam much less than most of my classmates.

In spite of the fact that the CPA designation wasn’t required for my job and that I had little interest in becoming a CPA, I decided to sit for the exam anyway.  This wasn’t pure folly – I did have some things working in my favor.  I was a good student in college, doing particularly well in my accounting classes.  Also, I had taken many more accounting classes than were required (as electives), so I had a broader base of knowledge that the typical student.  Parts of the exam were essay, meaning that writing style would count for some of the score – and I’ve always tended to do well on essay tests.

The biggest factor, though, was that I had already paid to take the exam.  I think the fee was about $200 – a ton of money for a poor student.  I wasn’t going to flush that money down the drain without giving it the old college try.

The final week of my college career was very interesting.  The CPA exam was scheduled for later in the week, so I needed to work with my professors to schedule all of my finals for earlier in the week.  In the span of a couple of days, I took exams in topics ranging from Auditing II to Romantic Literature.  I’ll always remember my very last final – Romantic Literature.  The exam was one question.  The question was this (paraphrasing): “On the first day of class, we discussed what the class thought Romantic Literature was.  How have these ideas proven to be true or false over the course of the semester?”  Simple, but brilliant.  I aced the exam, and walked out knowing that I had aced it.

After that exam, I jumped into my Ford Taurus (a ten year old car, and the first of three Tauruses I have owned) and drove from Ames to Waterloo (Iowa).  I checked into my hotel (the cheapest in town – I’m not very picky when it comes to hotels).  That night, I met up with a friend and her boyfriend.  We went to a restaurant and chatted for a while before going our separate ways.  The boyfriend, Chris, was in the early stages of running a popular tech-centric website.  We talked about the Mac/PC divide, and he suggested that I start something similar to his site, but devoted to Macs.  I didn’t feel that I had enough tech knowledge to do it (and I was probably right), but in hindsight it might have been a good idea to take a suggestion from the creator of LockerGnome.

The next day, I showed up at the site of the exam.  It was pouring rain and I was totally unfamiliar with the area.  I ended up parking about a half mile away and got drenched.  I finished the morning session early and made a K-Mart run to buy dry clothes (apparently the hotel was too far away to make it there and back in time for the afternoon session).

It became apparent fairly quickly that I wasn’t going to pass the exam.  That’s not particularly noteworthy – most people do fail the exam the first time (although my wife passed on her first attempt).  Armed with the knowledge that a miracle was not going to occur, I sat back and enjoyed the process.  I had absolutely no stress, and just focused on answering the questions to the best of my ability.  At the end of the second day, I finished up a couple of hours early and jumped in the car to return to Ames.  I graduated over the weekend.  The next week,  I commenced with my out-of-state move for my new job.

I was not at all stunned when I received notification that I had failed the CPA exam.  The scores were high enough that I actually briefly entertained thoughts of giving it another chance, before sanity prevailed.  I gave away my study guides to someone who needed them (or perhaps she planned to use them as doorstops).

At the age of 35, the number of professional designations I have is … zero.  I think that professional designations are a great way to certify specific knowledge.  However, I have spent my time actively pursuing knowledge – in a wider variety of area than is typical.  It may change at some point, but at this point, I have no plans to become certified in anything.

What’s going on in Kosmo’s world?

First of all, the Rockies are very nearly eliminated from the NL West race, trailing the Giants by 4.5 games with 7 games remaining on the schedule (the Giants have just 6 games left).  The Giants have 88 wins, the Padres 87, and the Rockies 83.  With the Giants and Padres finishing the season playing each other in a 3 game series, it’s a mathematial certainty that one of them will reach 89 wins – meaning the Rockies need to to 6-1 to even have a shot – and that’s based on the Padres and Giants both getting swept in their next series.  The situation in the wild card race is similarly bleak.  I’ve ever-optimistic, but not holding my breath.  The Rockies have fought a lot of injuries to get where they are, but it looks like they might fall a bit short.

Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum lost a lot of respect in my eyes when he accused the Rockies (under his breath) of using juiced balls.  Division rivals have suggested that the Rockies have somehow managed to get non-humidored balls to the umpire when they are trailing – just in time to have the Rockies hitters crush them during a comeback.  Of course, the fact that Lincecum was supposedly able to detect such a ball actually strengthens my assertion that the Rockies are not using juiced balls.  In the past, pitchers have said that the humidored balls are “slick” (even though they are stored at a humidity level that is essentially what you would see in most of the country).  If that’s the case, then pitchers would be able to detect the difference if the Rockies tried to pull a fast one.  After all, if Lincecum could detect one, why couldn’t Roy Halladay or Kyle Lohse (or Jamie Moyer, who hasdealt with everything during his 50 year career)?  Are the non-humidored balls dryer to the touch than a “slick” humidored ball, or is it impossible to detect the difference?  You can’t have your cake and eat it, too – pick one answer and stick with it.

Why are the Rockies so good at home?  Well, first of all, there are a number of teams that are downright dominant at home – not just the Rockies.  Secondly, you’re looking at a team that is constructed to help the pitchers.  The pitch staff leans heavily toward groundball pitchers, the middle infielders are good defensive players, and you have two true centerfielders (Dexter Fowler and Carlos Gonzalez) patrolling the massive outfield territory (to prevent doubles from falling in).  The net effect is that you should expect Coors to appear much more neutral to Rockies pitchers (and opposing hitters) than to opposing pitchers (and Rockies hitters) – since the opposing teams aren’t necessarily configured this way.  So, why doesn’t this help the Rockies pitcher even more on the road?  It’s just not as noticeable on the road because keeping balls on the ground and tracking them down in the outfield is something that prevents 7 run innings – which aren’t commonplace outside of Coors.

I’m going to take a break from fiction short stories in the month of September.  I need to recharge my creativity a bit for another project.  I’ll definitely be writing new stories in October (and it’s quite possible that I won’t be able to finish out the month of fiction exile).  During September, I’ll make it Open Mike night for fiction writers.  If you want to have a short fiction piece featured, let me know at kosmo@observingcasually.com

Finally, I have made the decision to turn The Cell Window into a novel – and if Hollywood agrees, perhaps even into a feature film 🙂  In general, I don’t mess with a story once I have declared it to be a finished product.  However, over the past several months, quite a few people have suggested lengthening the story, so I’m going to give it a shot.  Those of you who have purchased the short version might end up with a collector’s item if the book is well received.  Haven’t bought a copy yet?  You can get the PDF version, MP3 audio book, or combo edition.  I’d recommend the combo edition, since it is the same price as the plain PDF version.

It was the social event of the year in the industry.  After decades of excellence, John Smith was retiring to a well-deserved life of leisure in the Florida Keys.

The retirement party was by invitation only, and Smith’s contemporaries were honored to receive engraved invitations to the event.  John Smith was a very private person with very few close friends in the industry – but everyone knew his work and appreciated the man’s artistry and professionalism.

The black tie event was held at the elegant Harbison Hotel.  After a social hour of drinks by the bar, the crowd made their way to their tables for hors d’oeuvre.

Frank Little munched on something that was unidentifiable, but very tasty.  In between bites, he turned to his colleague, Mike Brown.

“I never though he’d hang it up, Mike.  Why do you think he’s leaving now, when he’s still performing at such an elite level?”

“Maybe he’s tired of dealing with all the paperwork,” replied Brown, not bothering to wait until his mouth was empty.  “The stress probably wasn’t good on his heart, either.  Maybe his bank account hit the magic number to allow him to retire and he decided to actually enjoy what’s left of his life.”

“You’re probably right,” responded Frank.  “We should all be so lucky.”

As the meal moved steadily from one course to the next toward the main dish, a band played music from the 80s and the guests were treated to a video show chronicling John Smith’s career.

As the waiters brought out the entrée – a choice of prime rib or lobster – many of the guests noted John Smith’s absence from the event.

“Imagine that,” remarked Bill Jones.  “Missing your own retirement party.”

“John’s always been a pretty private guy,” responded Jane Doe, “but this certainly takes the cake.  Who would miss the opportunity to be honored by your colleagues?”

“John Smith would, apparently,” replied Bill.

By eleven o’clock, the party began to wind down.  In spite of the conspicuous absence of the guest of honor, everyone seemed to have enjoyed themselves.  The food, drink, and entertainment were all of the finest caliber – exactly what would be expected from something honoring such a great man.

The next morning, Bill Jones began to complain of food poisoning and began to experience a considerable amount of nausea.  In the middle of the afternoon, he dropped dead in front of his toilet.

News of Bill’s demise never had a chance to reach the other party guests.  Soon they, too, were experiencing the symptoms.  Two days later, 80 percent of the party guests were in the city morgue.  It was being reported as one of the worst cases of food poisoning in history.

John Smith smiled from afar.  His “retirement” party had been the perfect way to lure the elite contract killers into one place and expose them to a deadly poison.    Last year had been a slow year for business, but he anticipated a sharp increase in his market share.

[Note: I’m not going to let this become a breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding debate, and comments of that nature will be deleted.  That topic is worth discussing, but it’s not germane to the focus of this article.]

Abbot, makes of the popular Similac brand of infant formula, are recalling 5 million containers of its product.  The recall is tied to the presence in a beetle that can result in irritation to the gastrointestinal tract of infants, causing them to lose their appetite.

I received a call in the early morning from my son’s day care center, letting us know that his container of Similac was among the lots getting recalled.  I set out on a search for a replacement can from a non-affected lot.

I was great annoyed to see that every store I went to (6) had simply yanked ALL containers of Similac from the shelves instead of actually checking to see if the product was among the recalled units.  Eventually, I found a box of “single serving” packets (nt included in the recall) and bout them.  They are, of course, quite a bit more expensive per ounce than the larger containers.

It annoyed me that stores were taking the easy way out.  It this was a product like, say, pretzels or peanuts, I wouldn’t have a concern with such a slash-and-burn approach.  Infant formula is a bit different.  It is staple of the infant’s diet, and many infants can be quite brand loyal, refusing to drink a different brand.  This can be a real problem, as you can’t really reason with the infant to get them to drink.

The main annoyance, though, was at Abbot’s response to the recall.  They posted information on their web site, including a place where you could type in the lot numbers from your containers in oder to determine if they were in the recall.  Unfortunately, the site was completely down last night, and only partially functional this morning.  Why?  No doubt because of heavy volume.

This is not the first time that a manufacturer’s web site has succumbed to heavy traffic in the aftermath of a recall.  The same thing happened when some formulations of Tylenol were recalled a while ago.

It’s almost as if companies are under the impression that it’s not possible to quickly add more capacity to their web servers.  That’s not true, of course.  There are a multitude of companies that would gladly rent them the hardware necessary to handle spikes in volume.  It it quite common for companies to do this when they anticipate surges in traffic – it’s much cheaper than permanently upgrading their infrastructure.

I’m not sure why we have to go down this road every time there is a major recall.  Perhaps the Consumer Product Safety Commission could even have information about the recall on their own site, and have a deal with the web hosting provider to rent extra capacity when the need arises – they could then bill the manufacturer at a set rate (in theory, they could get a better deal from the web hosting companies by offering repeat business).

I’m not sure what the exact answer to these problems are, but things MUST get better.