The SoapBoxers

Now that The Political Observers has been built up into a successful part of the site, I am moving on to the next project.  World domination is within our grasp.

As a way to celebrate the launch of the new project, I am giving away copies of  Selling Yourself Short: A Guide to Short Story Writing.  Go ahead and pop it into your cart, and you will be charged $0.00 for it when you check out.  There are no strings attached – other than the fact that it is a limited offer.

OK, so you’re curious what the new project is.  I suppose it’s time to eschew the secrecy …

I would like to cover the big national stories from the viewpoint of those who are near the action.  My goal is the build a network of contacts that will be able to cover all 50 states and a few foreign countries.  I’d like to get multiple contacts in larger states such as California and Texas and will try to utilize people for regional coverage when I don’t have a contact in the specific state.  For example, if I don’t have a contact in New Hampshire, I may look for my Vermont contact to provide an article.

When a big news story (hurricane, crime, etc) hits in your state, you would write about it – giving the local flavor to a national story.  If you’re a niche blogger, this could give you the opportunity to write about a news issue that might not fit within the constraints of your own blog.  (Yes, Evan, I’m referring to you).  If you’re not actively writing for public consumption, this could be an opportunity to stick your toes in the water and see if people enjoy your work.

In addition to people covering “hard” news, I’m also looking for people who attend big events – The Kentucky Derby or the Super Bowl, for example – to give our readers a firsthand account of these events.  I have a special interest in the Olympics and Olympic Trials.

Note that I don’t expect you to be interviewing those affected by the news (unless you happen to personally know some of the affected people), but rather, the goal is to give a local view of the story based on your years of life experience in the area.

The program is still in the launch phase and subject to change, but at this point, I’m thinking of referring to the group of reporters as “Locals”.  Feel free to suggest alternate names (shorter is better).  I will be creating a page that lists all of the reporters, including a link to the site of their choice.  I will be actively pursuing several specific individuals, but many opportunities remain open.

Here are the basics of the opportunity:

• You may use your real name or a pen name.
• I wouldn’t expect to use any particular contact more than 1-2 times per year – if at all.  If there is no big breaking news in your state/area, you won’t be called on.
• When you are contacted, you should be able to reply with an article within 48 hours (before the story fades).  The quicker the response time, the better.
• I’m looking for more of a “man/woman on the scene” sort of angle to the stories.  I’m not looking for a heavy political slant, although reporting on how the public feels about the issue is fine.
• Articles should be in the range of 500-1500 words and should be entirely your own work.  Plagiarism is strictly forbidden and will result in you being permanently removed from the program – zero tolerance.
• The opportunity will be generally unpaid, but I’ll be happy to link to a site that you run (must be family friendly).
• If you hand me a scoop that gets considerable traffic and ad revenue, I will pay you for the article.  The amount will be based on the revenue generated.

If you’re interested, shoot me a line at kosmo@observingcasually.com.  Please include a short sample of your writing.  The writing sample can be on any topic – I just want to ensure a certain level of ability.  If I think you’re a good fit,  I’ll add you to my list, and then you simply wait to be called into action!

If you have family or friends who may be interested, send them a link to this article.  Many thanks.

Nationals Nation (village?) suffered a huge setback when it was announced that top prospect Stephen Strasburg would need to undergo Tommy John surgery.  The surgery, named for the former pitcher whose career it saved, involves having an elbow ligament replaced with a tendon harvested from elsewhere in the body.  There’s a roughly 90% chance of success, and rehabilitation generally takes a year.  This means that Strasburg will likely be aiming for a return on the opening day of the 2012 season.

Interestingly, some players actually throw a bit harder after the surgery (for a few years) than they did previously – so Strasburg’s fastball might have a bit more kick when he returns.  (Some nut job parents have approached doctors requesting that the surgery be performed on their healthy sons, simply to get this benefit).  While this is obviously a setback for Strasburg, I’m confident that he’ll return as strong as ever in time for the 2012 season.  MLBDepthChart.com has put together a Tommy John Tracker that will track the progress of those slated for the operation.

If you’re in a “keeper” fantasy league and Strasburg’s owner drops him, I’d suggest snapping him up for the long haul.  Similarly, if you can make a trade for pennies on the dollar, go for it.

My Rockies have been alternating hot and cold streaks.  They faced off against the Phillies on Thursday.  A win would have allowed them to climb within 4 ½ games of Philadelphia in the wild card race.  The Rockies got out to an early 7-3 lead, but ended up losing the game 12-11, slipping to 6 ½ games out of the wild card race.

At this point, there seems to be little hope of catching the Phillies in the wild card – but I’m not convinced that the Rockies are out of the division race.  We’re 7 ½ games behind the front-running Padres – but the Padres have been in a free-fall recently, losing seven straight games.  The Rockies began a 3 games series against the Padres on Friday night (after this article was written) – and a sweep would pull the Rockies to within 4 ½ games on the division lead.  A Padres sweep would likely close the curtain on the Rockies’ playoff chances.

If you haven’t been paying attention to Carlos Gonzalez, this would be a good time to start.  CarGo launched his 31^st homer (“car bomb”) on Thursday night.  He leads the National League in batting average (.332) and slugging percentage (.610) and is 5^th in homers.  It’s possible that a hot September could push CarGo to the lead in homers and RBI and allow him to be the first NL triple crown winner since Ducky Medwick.

CarGo has dramatic home/road split (.391 with 24 homers at home vs. .275 with 7 homers on the road) but you can’t just point to Coors Field as the source of his numbers.  Overall, Coors has tended to add about 120 OPS points to a player’s numbers – CarGo’s 2010 differential is nearly 500 points.  I hypothesize that a large mental factor comes into player that allow some players to amplify the effects of their home park and other players to consistently underperform expectations (such as Ryan Howard of the Phillies, who has roughly even career home/road splits despite playing in a hitter’s paradise).  Whatever the reason, a player who can be absolutely dominant in half the games provides considerable value to a team.

Gonzalez’s teammate Troy Tulowitzki sports a .319 batting average, but you won’t see him listed among the league leaders.  That’s because an earlier  injury cost him playing time and is causing Tulo to fall just short of the threshold to qualify for the batting title (3.1 plate appearances for each game his team has played).  Tulo is currently 8 plate appearances short, so expect him to pop up on the list soon.

You might wonder what would happen if a player had a much higher batting average than anyone else in the league, but fell just short of the threshold – would he be denied the batting title?  Nope.  In these cases, “empty” at bats are added to a player’s totals to determine if he is the champion.  For example, Tulowitzki has 114 hits in 357 at bats, for a .319 batting average.  If the season ended at this point, we’d add 8 at bats (and no hits) and recalculate – 114 hits in 365 at bats, for a .312 batting average.  If this was the highest batting average in the league, Tulo would be the batting champion.  If someone else had a .313 batting average, he wouldn’t be the champion.  In either case, he would still be credited with his actual .319 batting average.

The Iowa State Cyclones kicked off the football season on Thursday night against Northern Illinois.  The Cyclones looked good at some point and bad in others.  It was a definite must-win game for a team facing the schedule from hell.  We face road games at Iowa, Texas, and Oklahoma – and face Utah in one of our pre-seasons games.  It’s possible that the team would be better than last year’s 7-6 squad, but emerge with a worse record.

And in my own backyard, the University of Iowa (in-state rivals to my alma mater) locked up head football coach Kirk Ferentz through the year 2020.  His base salary starts at $3,675,000 and he get a longevity bonus that starts at $325,000 and increases each year.  I think Ferentz is a great coach, but this makes no sense to me.  These sorts of deals just give a false sense of security to the fans of the team.  The coach can still bolt for a better job at any time.  The only thing that it really does is make it impossible to fire a coach if things head south – because the school is on the hook for the entire value of the contract.  Hopefully Ferentz will still be around in 2020 and this will be an academic issue.

Austin was as ready as he was going to be. He took a deep breath and popped open the door. He exited the lavatory of the airplane and stepped back into the cabin.

The plane had been aloft for ninety minutes. It was cruising effortlessly over flyover country. Half the passengers were trying to get some sleep. The other half were reading books, solving Soduku puzzles, and goofing around on laptops.

Austin walked back to his seat, grabbed the empty duffel bag from his seat, and walked purposefully toward the front of the plane. When he pulled aside the curtain that separated first class from the unwashed masses, people finally noticed.

“Hey, you can’t go up there,” protested a flight attendant as she walked swiftly toward him. The dozing passengers began to wake up.

Austin pulled the pistol from the duffel bag and leveled it at the flight attendant. She stopped in her tracks, and Austin could sense the heightened level of anxiety aboard the plane. Austin could see the puzzled look on her face – wondering how he managed to sneak a gun aboard the plane.

“Come up here,” Austin commanded her. When the woman hesitated for a moment, he nodded toward the gun to remind her of its presence. This reminder was effective, and she quickly joined him at the front of the plane.

“OK,” he shouted. “This is how things are going to work. Tiffany, here –“

“Tessa,” interrupted the flight attendant,

“Tessa,” he continued, glaring at the idiot, “is going to walk through the cabin with my bag. Each of you will simply drop your wallets and jewelry into the bag. When we’re done, I’m going to leave, and nobody gets hurt.”

“Bullshit,” yelled a burly man in the middle of the plane. “You’re not getting anything from me.”

Austin turned the pistol toward him. “I’ll get it from you, dead or alive. Your choice.”

The man’s companion spoke up. “I think he’s serious, Merrill.”

“Yes, Merrill. I’m serious. Dead serious.”

Merrill slunk back in his seat and Austin tossed the bag to Tessa.

“Go,” he growled. “Start at the front.”

Tessa began the process of collecting wallets and valuables from the passengers. Austin kept one eye on her while keeping the other eye on the rest of the plane – watchful for anyone else who wanted to be a hero.

“Hey, necklaces, too,” he said to a woman with a diamond broach around her neck. The woman clutched the broach and gave a wistful look before complying with his request.

When Tessa reached the back of the plane, Austin strode down the aisle and jerked the bag out of her hands. He took a quick glance into the bag and smiled appreciatively at the size of some of the diamond rings. This would be a very nice haul.

“OK,” he said, “the emergency door. Pop it open.”

“We can’t open it in flight,” protested Tessa.

“Yeah, you can,” he replied, pointing the gun at her. A few minutes later, the door was open and Austin prepared to jump.

“Geronimooooooooooo,” he yelled, beginning his freefall. Austin was on cloud nine – in a few short moments, he would be on the ground with his treasure.

A few seconds later, Austin realized that he had forgotten one small little thing. His parachute.

Wow would be my minimalist reaction. I remember growing up watching movies with John Cusack in them. He usually played the role of an outsider but was always kind of a hero. I certainly admired him as an actor. Has he stopped taking his Prozac though?

Please see this story regarding John’s recent Twitter posting:

John Cusack is openly a Liberal in every sense and probably has no appreciation for Fox News. However, I’m starting to wonder if he can even stomach the ultra liberal rants of MSNBC. Based on this latest Twitter posting, I’m more inclined to say that he has seriously fallen off his rocker and he can’t get up.

It’s no secret that I’m a Conservative with several Libertarian views. I have many friends with Liberal views although the majority if my friends share viewpoints that are closer to mine. None of my friends would ever go so far as to write something like this though. Additionally, I would never write this about MSNBC either.

So the questions that comes to mind: Where does free speech come to an end? Where does liability kick in? In other words, at what point does the right of free speech cease or at least become intertwined with liability for the actions of one’s self and others? We all know that free speech is no longer protected if those words incite a riot or are considered “fighting words”. In my opinion this is balancing very close to that exception. Cusack goes so far as to be almost specific in the actions. He hasn’t drawn out a plan, but it’s getting close. Naming specific people (targets) likely would convince many on a jury to find against him.

Consider if I were to post this: “I can no longer stand the liberal rants and view points of the Angry Squirrel. I can no longer stomach his naive and unfounded positions based solely on bleeding heart rhetoric and not fact. We need to have a satanic slaying at his home in Kansas City, KS on 9/11/2010.” OK, this is obviously not true and I would never wish any harm to come to anyone, especially the Squirrel. Now, imagine if anyone actually cared what I said…say I’m Tom Cruise (the head nut job), Will Smith or John Cusack. I would have rock star status, not IT Guy status. The point is, who is going to read a post and act? Probably only someone that was already nuts, but could this be what prompts someone? Should this be protected?

Eminem has dealt with similar issues with his music. There are questions being raised about Eminem’s latest work again (Love the Way You Lie) because of the domestic violence lyrics. I’m a rap/hip hop fan so I personally enjoy the music and don’t think too much about the lyrics. However, there are a number of people that do and some may be swayed by statements such as this. Where do we draw the line?

How about desecrating the flag which is a huge hot button of mine? Should we allow people to urinate on the American flag? How about burning the flag?

Yesterday we saw James Lee take over the Discovery Channel building and hold three people hostages over his extreme beliefs. What if this person was “encouraged” by someone like Eminem or John Cusack? Does that make him any less guilty? Does that reduce the guilt of the actor and impute some of that guilt on the person generating or spawning the idea? Accessories?

If I were the judge hearing these cases, here is how I would rule.

1. John Cusack would be found not guilty but my ruling would include that this is very close to inciting violence. If his post were any more specific (like mine was about the Squirrel) I think it clearly violates the free speech exceptions and he’s liable for the actions of others if they choose to follow his direction.
2. Eminem would be found not guilty as well. He doesn’t spell out specific plans or specific people. Will someone tie their girlfriend/wife to the bed and burn the house down because of his song? That is very possible.
3. The flag. The US Flag should be a protected symbol. It IS a symbol of our Country, our freedom and what our veterans have fought hard to protect. In my opinion this should clearly be an exception to the right to free speech because this WILL incite riots and the words/actions would be deemed fighting words.
4. James Lee (Had Lee survived) – Sorry, you will be locked up until such time that we can generate enough electricity to kill you…slowly; or until your fellow inmates take their own wrath upon you and your idea to sterilize the people of the world. You’re a disgrace to your family, people sharing your view and you will give people like me less reason to embrace your environmental ideology. Guilt of the accessory or the instigator would depend on what actions/discussions had taken place but there would be a good chance I would see them as guilty too.

I’m interested in other people’s reactions to this. Let me know!

Squeaky…

At this very moment, a gunman – alleged to be a man by the name of James Lee – is holding hostages at the headquarters of The Discovery Channel.  Yes, of all the networks in the world to target, he picks The Discovery Channel.  I’ll admit that I don’t watch much of The Discovery Channel (most of my TV watching is sports or forensics shows), but this seems to be a network dedicated to education.  Why on earth would someone pick on them?  Many other networks are much more controversial.

It turns out that we do not have to look very far to find the answer to that.  According to CNN, Mr. Lee has a bit of a history with The Discovery Channel.  He is an environmental protestor who has been very critical of the network on his website.  Lee considers mankind to be “filth” and his manifesto demands that The Discovery Channel “stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants.”

We all know how this story is going to end.  There is no “good” ending.  The best possible solution – the one that everyone is hoping for – is Lee being dragged away in cuffs and traumatized hostages heading home to spend time with their loved ones.

But surely the publicity Lee gets from this terrorist action will bring publicity to his cause, and make the country think more seriously about the effect mankind has on the environment, right?  Before long, everyone will be making a concerted effort to cut pollution, and the world will be a better place …

Of course not.  Lee’s action’s will actually create a backlash against all environmentalists – both extreme and moderate.  His actions will be counterproductive and will serve to stymie the efforts of those organizations attempting to pursue policy changes in a more civilized manner.  I agree with Lee’s broad viewpoint that it would be good if people were to reduce pollution – but I vehemently oppose his tactics.

You may be able to brandish a gun and force your hostages to do what you want them to, but the gun will not force a civilized society to place any more weight on your words.  In fact, much the opposite.  Not only is the pen mightier than the sword, it is also mightier than the gun.  The strong are those who can convince others that their opinions are current simply by speaking or writing about them.  Only the weak have the need to reinforce rhetoric with violence.  The rule of law trumps the rule of violence.  We have elections in this country, not duels.

As the saying goes, “you are only as strong as your weakest link.”  Those who use violence to push their agenda do more to undermine it than those who simply oppose the rhetoric with words.  We see this sort of pointless violence far too often in the world today.  Instead of inflicting violence on those who oppose us, let us instead beat our swords into plowshares.  Let use make the conference table the first choice of battlefield, rather than the last resort – and let us push the extremist elements to the sidelines.

Dog Poop

There’s a “lady” in my neighborhood who takes her dog for walks.  This is hardly unusual – there are a number of folks in the neighborhood with dogs.  This person stands out because of her unwillingness to clean up after her dog.  I’ve spotted the dastardly duo on neighbors’ lawns a number of times, but never in time to pop my head out of the door to remind her of her duty.  On occasions, there have been droppings on my own lawn, and while I don’t have concrete evidence to prove who the poopetrator is, I have a very good idea.

I’m not a “dog person”, but I have nothing against dogs.  What I do dislike is having dog poop on my lawn.  If I wanted dog poop on my lawn, I’d have a dog.  If you’re going to have a dog, you need to be accountable and clean up after your dog.  Even if this isn’t against the law in your town, this is just basic common courtesy to your neighbors.  Don’t be surprised if you gain a very negative reputation and that your neighbors become hesitant to pitch in when you need help with anything.  You show a complete lack of respect for their property – why should they lift a finger for you?

Bristol Palin

When the next season of Dancing With the Stars kicks off, the dace floor will feature luminaries such as Kurt Warner, Florence Henderson, and Bristol Palin.  For the last couple of years, we have been privy to the love/hate relationship between Bristol and Levi, with occasional commentary from Bristol’s mom.  Allegations have been made that Levi was trying to extend his 15 minutes of fame and would do anything to stay in the spotlight.

That might be the case, but Bristol is hardly staying in the shadows.  For a few months, she was working as a receptionist at a dermatologist’s office.  More recently, she has found more profitable work.  She travels around the country promoting abstinence.  There’s certainly nothing wrong with spreading that message.  The $15,000 – $30,000 fee she receives for each speaking engagements also helps build a college fund for Trigg.  Bristol also appeared on an episode of The Secret Life of The American Teenager.  Now, Dancing With the Stars.  What next – a regular gig on The View?  Is this a family trying to lead, or a family trying to achieve fame?  I was recently discussing Sarah Palin with a staunchly conservative friend of mine who commented “she’s not the leader of MY party.”

Privatizing Social Security

The last item might lead you to believe that I’m a hard core Democrat, but this isn’t the case.  I do lean left on quite a few issues, but I’m an unaffiliated voter who also agrees with Republicans on a lot of issues.  One of these issues is privatization of Social Security.  When Bush proposed this, I aligned myself with him and supported the idea – at least at a high level.

Those who oppose privatization – including lobbyists such as AARP – point to downturns in the market and suggest that those nearing retirement age could have lost substantial portions of their nest egg if they had invested in the market.  This is true – but it’s worth noting that you don’t need to invest in stocks to beat the return of Social Security.  Take a look at the rates of return for Social Security, according to a document on SSA’s web site.  The important table is table 1 (the second table in the document).  If you’re younger married couple at the medium earning level, you’re looking at a rate of return around 2.5%.  In comparison, 30 year treasuries are currently yielding upwards of 3.5%.  Is Social Security safer than treasuries?  Of course not –  both are backed by the US Government.  Essentially, the risk is the same.

NCAA Tackles Jeremiah Masoli On End Around

This one falls into the category of things that no longer grind my gears.  After being kicked off the Oregon football team for off-field transgressions, star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli transferred to Mississippi.  Generally, players who transfer must sit on year before they are allowed to play again (the year off doesn’t count against their eligibility). 

There is an exception that allows (but does not force) the NCAA to grant a waiver (making the player immediately eligible) if the player has completed his undergraduate degree and enrolls at another school in order to pursue a graduate degree in a major not offered by his old school.  This was the case with Masoli.  He is enrolled in the Parks and Recreation graduate program at Ole Miss – a degree not offered by Oregon.

Yesterday, the NCAA denied Masoli’s request for a waiver, saying that this type of waiver is intended to avoid hampering a student-athlete’s academic pursuits, rather than a way to avoid a punishment levied by his old school.  Good call, NCAA.

Well, it is finally here, the first installment of Johnny’s Picks for 2010! It is about time college football is here!

Thursday

Marshall @ Ohio State (-28.5)
Buckeyes roll early and often. OSU 45- Marshall 10

Saturday

Pittsburgh @ Utah (-3.5)
An interesting game of varying styles. Defense and the ground game win out here. Pitt 28 – Utah 21

Miami (OH) @ Florida (-35.5)
The post Tim Tebow era begins … but not against THAT Miami. Florida 49- Miami (OH) -10

Northwestern (-3.5) @ Vanderbilt
If I could come up with a good Commodores song I would sing it now. Vandy 28 – NW- 24

Washington @ BYU (-3.5)
Jake Locker for Heisman! Washington 24-BYU 23

Cincinnati @ Fresno State (even)
I love pick em games- this will not be a defensive battle. I will take the experience with bigger success last year. The Natti – 35- Frez St. 28

Illinois vs Missouri (-13.5)
Blaine Gabbert will simply be too much here. Mizz- 29- Ill – 10

Colorado (-10.5) vs Colorado State
The Rocky Mountain Rivalry to start the year. Col 21- CSU 17

Connecticut @ Michigan (-3.5)
This one might have the maize and blue fans grumbling afterward. Mich 21- UConn 20

Oregon State @ TCU (-11.5)
Horned Frogs defense is just too strong – TCU – 24- OR St 10

Purdue @ Notre Dame (-10.5)
Boilermakers offense will carve up Touchdown Jesus. Purdue 35 – ND 31

Syracuse (-7.5) @ Akron
Gimmie the Zips in a cover – Syracuse 10 – Akron 7

Western Kentucky @ Nebraska (-35.5)
The Corn will roll in this one big time. West Kentucky has lost 20 straight. Nebs – 52- Hilltoppers – 10

Washington State @ Oklahoma State (-14.5)
Ok State lost ALL of their offense from last year – Ok St 29- Washington St 14

Utah State @ Oklahoma (-28.5)
Booooooomer Sooooooooner. The class of the conference this year. OU- 56, Utah St 10

Until next week when we add some pro games, good luck

I had the opportunity to witness a USAF air show at Offutt Field in Omaha, Nebraska this weekend. It was an incredible experience for many reasons. Air Shows are first and foremost an exposition of what our tax dollars have purchased and why. The fact that it is also very entertaining is just a pleasant side effect.

The show is a two part program; the dynamic show of a limited number of aircraft in flight demonstrations and the static show of a much larger selection of aircraft on the tarmac for close up viewing. Mixed in with the military aircraft are some private shows that are fun for the kids and filler between the military activities. There was a nice little write-up in the Omaha World Herald.

I will admit that I have a fascination with aircraft, military or civilian, so this may read like a sales pitch. On the civilian side, there was the Geico speed aerial show, the wing walker on a biplane, and the Embry Riddle stunt plane along with a small helicopter that was flying when I entered the field. The military flights included the Nave F-18J super hornet demonstrator, Air Force F-22 Raptor demonstrator, the Air Force Thunderbirds (6 F-16 eagles) and a flight over by an Air Force B-2 Spirit Bomber.

I was impressed by the capabilities of the 20 year old aircraft (F-16 and F-18), but the F-22 just blew my socks off. It is so small, fast and nimble. I wanted to have a chance to talk with the pilots but that was restricted to the VIPs, and although I have a high opinion of myself, the Air Force and the Military Police at Offutt do not share that opinion. I had to watch from behind the barriers like all of the other common people.

The static display was much more hands on. There was a B-52 Stratofortress bomber with the bomb doors open so that you could look up inside. There was a C-17 Globemaster transport that you could climb around in (it can hold a couple of school busses. The other modern vehicles included a KC-10 tanker, C-130 transport, E-3 electronics surveillance, AH-64 Apache Attach Helicopter, H-1 Medical Helicopter, and A-10 Thunderbolt Attach Aircraft.

The historic aircraft had flown in the morning and were set up for static display by the time I got there. There were P-51 mustang fighters, a Japanese Zero, P-38 Lightnings, B-24 Hudson and B-25 Liberator Bombers, and several Navy aircraft I did not get to.

All in all, it was a good show. If you really had to have your car there, parking was provided, but there were busses every 15 minutes to several parking lots. There were several watering stations and the food and beverages were reasonably priced (about half what you would pay at a ball game). The organizers (I assume it was the USAF) were also efficient in their security. There were military police from every branch along with the local police. They only searched about every 5th car and they had enough metal detectors so that the entrance lines never slowed down.

What made this air show especially nice is that my teenage son accompanied me. Just the two of us, make spur of the moment decisions as to where to go and what to look at. In addition to the fine company and the excellent entertainment, it was also my birthday. I can write this up as a good day. If you ever have the chance to go to one of these shows, I would definitely recommend it. Even if you do not especially like air planes, you should take a chance to see where a large amount of tax dollars are being spent.

It’s late August, and the Pittsburgh Pirates have clinched another losing season – the 18th year in a row that they’ll wind up with more losses than wins.  At the time that I’m writing this, their record stands at 43-89, and they are strong contenders to be awarded the top pick in the 2011 draft (given to the team with the worst overall record).  The Pirates are a team with a rich history – Honus Wagner, Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell – and it saddens me to see them turn into a mere shell of a baseball team.  The Pirates have gone the direction of putting the cheapest possible team on the field, trading away any player with even a modicum of talent.  This strategy has yielded the expected results.

If you dig down a bit, things start to get a bit more interesting.  The Pirates are 46 games below .500 for the season, but their home record is a relatively respectable 30-36.  That’s not great, but it’s not awful, either.  While most teams play a bit better at home, the home/road differential of the Pirates is quite astounding.  In contrast to their respectable home record, their road record is just 13-48 – a winning percentage that is just above 20%.  This year’s record is an exaggeration of the trend in recent years – the Pirates have largely tread water at home and gotten killed on the road.

The Pirates have an overall winning record against just 4 teams this year.  They are 4-3 against my Rockies, 4-2 against the Phillies, and 2-1 against the Indians.  The fourth team against which the Pirates have a winning record are the division rival Chicago Cubs.  The Pirates have gone 9-3 against the Cubs, given up just 31 runs in those 12 games – an average of just 2.58 runs per game.

I know quite a few Cubs fans, and this is a source of great embarrassment for them.  The Cubs are having a very disappointing year overall, but nobody should lose 75% of their games to the Pirates.  Not only have the Pirates had great success against the Cubs at home, they have also had their number within the friendly confines of Wrigley Field – holding a 4-2 record in Chicago’s home park.  The Pirates set their road-high of 10 runs scored against the Cubs, and also recorded one of their two road shutouts against Chicago. 

To put this in perspective, let’s take a closer look at the rest of the Pirates road wins.  They have two wins against the Rockies, two against the Brewers, and single wins against the Diamondbacks, Reds, Dodgers, Phillies, and Giants.  That’s it.  If you disregard the games against the Cubs, the Pirates are just 9-46 on the road – a winning percentage of just 16.4%.  Their wins against the Cubs account for fully 30% of their road wins.

When the Nationals decided to call up Stephen Strasburg, his first game was “coincidentally” against the Pirates.  Or, more likely, an astute baseball move to boost the confidence of Strasburg with an easy win.  After all, even the lowly Nationals were strong favorites to win at home against the Pirates.

I look forward to the day when the Pirates franchise once again becomes relevant, rather than a laughingstock.  I’m not a fan of the team, but their current state is bad for baseball.  In the meanwhile, I urge you to go to the ballpark the next time your team faces the Pirates.  There’s an 84% chance your team will win – unless your team is the Cubs.

Editor’s note: my friend Lazy Man’s ongoing battles with MonaVie distributors was the inspiration for this story.  However, the companies, products, and people in this story are all fictional.  Keep fighting the good fight, Lazy!

Marco Pariso took a gulp of juice and settled into his rather uncomfortable chair in front of his rather ugly desk. The chair, the desk, and even the juice were absurdly expensive – pretentious products marketed to those with more money than sense.

Marco was faced with a serious problem. After several years of strong revenue growth, his company was facing a sharp decline. In this economy, fewer people were wanting to shell out $18 for a bottle of juice – even juice as fruitfully delicious as Panacea.

Even Marco was not immune from the downturn. This week, he had been forced to downgrade hair stylists to a bum who charged only $200. As he ran his fingers through his hair, he could feel the cheapness of the cut – how his hair longed for Rafael’s artistry.

Marco had decided to forestall the declining sales by ramping up marketing efforts. Panacea had always been marketed as having “more vitamins than you can find in nature.” Now the juice was being promoted as fighting swine flu, cancer, polio, and even AIDS.

Marco knew better than to have the company make official claims regarding these alleged health benefits. He had engaged the top distributors and suggested they start spreading the word unofficially by sending the information down the pyramid. Before long, thousands of Panacea distributors were claiming that the product could cure nearly every disease known to man. Because Marco had been smart enough to avoid putting these claims in black and white, he was confident that he would be able to keep the FDA at bay.

Sales had picked up for a while. Then those nosy internet bloggers began to take aim at Panacea. They claimed that Marco’s company was spreading lies about the health benefits of the drink. Marco had initially ignored the bloggers – merely annoying little gnats. Before long, he realized that some of these clowns had thousands of people reading their tripe every day. People were actually taking them seriously. When Marco looked at the sales figures, he could see a small, by noticeable drop in sales.

Marco decided to pick on the top blogger, Caped Crusader, in hopes that once the Crusader had been squashed, the rest of the bloggers would fall like dominos. Marco had his people publish fake studies all over the internet and had dozens of Panaceas distributors go to Caped Crusaders site and quote these fictional studies as the basis for Panacea’s health claims.

Crusader was a bit more clever than he had expected. He posted details about the visitors in order to show that all of the negative comments were coming from just a handful of geographical locations. He then went even a step further, showing that the sites which presented the studies had all been created in the same week and were all registered to the same organization.

Marco had been foiled again. Marco did not enjoy being foiled, and he began to plan his next move. Caped Crusader must be stopped – but how? Physical violence was distasteful to Marco, and so he pondered the ways that he could tie up Caped Crusader in court. A libel suit, for sure – and perhaps copyright infringement. He laughed as he made a mental note for his legal team to send out a cease and desist letter in the morning. That would scare the little shit. Crusader was probably some wimpy teenager living in his mom’s basement.

Out of the corner of his eye, Marco noticed a light in the distance. Within a few minutes, the light got much brighter. He went to the window and peered out. What he saw shook Marco to his core. The villagers were marching upon his mansion. The torches shed enough light that he could make out the faces of some of his former customers – and he noticed that they were carrying pitchforks.