The SoapBoxers

A while ago, I was discussing my short story One Man’s Dream with Bob Inferapels.  I made the comment that the dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream concept was inspired by a quote from Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi (Chuang Zu).  A short, loose translation of the quote is this: “Last night I dreamed I was a butterfly.  Now I do not know if I am a man who dreams he is a butterfly or a butterfly who dreams he is a man.”

Understandably, Bob’s response to this was “What kind of sh*t are you into?”  And buried behind that question was the unspoken one – “… and how did a farm kid from Iowa get to the point where he is pondering quotes from Chinese philosophers?”

I’m actually not a student of philosophy, per se.  I own hundreds of books, including substantial collections of crime and baseball related volumes, but just a single philosophy book.  That sole book is Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, which I finally purchased after seeing it mentioned in a sports article for the millionth time.

While I don’t necessarily study philosophy, I do stop to ponder interesting quotes that present themselves to me.  In the case of  Zhuangzi, I wonder what exactly is “reality.”  Our perception of reality is based largely on our memories and the accounts given to us by others – but how accurate are these accounts?  We see cases where people repress memories and other situations where stimuli can cause people to create completely false memories.  And how much does our own personal lens distort our view of everyday events?  What, exactly, makes an event a piece of genuine reality?

Another of my favorites is from Nietzsche’s The Abyss – “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.”  This quote is actually the inspiration for the title of FBI profiler Robert K Ressler’s book Whoever Fights Monsters.  In Ressler’s situation, he was dealing with many serial killers who were the embodiment or pure evil.  If was important for those who tracked the killers to not be consumed by the evil themselves.

Most of us, of course, will never have the opportunity to track down serial killers.  Most of us will, however, encounter people who engage in the spreading of hatred in its many forms.  If you hate those that spread the hatred, you are yourself adding to the hatred in the world.  In other words, my advice is to hate the bigotry, not the bigot – as difficult as this may be in many cases.

One of my very favorite quotes lacks the deepness of the others –  “Luck is the residue of design.”  It is commonly attributed to baseball pioneer Branch Rickey, but actually originated from writer John Milton.  Rickey, not surprisingly, recognized a great quote when he saw one, and started using it.  The gist of this quote is easy to determine – “good luck” doesn’t happen randomly, but is often a results of years of preparation.  In other words, many cases of “overnight success” were really due to a decade of hard work.

The next time you see a quote – be it in a book, magazine article, or even someone’s email signature – stop to consider it.  That doesn’t necessarily mean to blindly follow what the quote espouses, of course.  In the words of Aristotle,  “It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.“

When I discuss the differences between short stories and novels, the stark contract in setting scenes tends to come front and center.  I have launched Tip of The Iceberg and Other Stories, and have also sent in my submission to the Iowa Short Story Award.  I’ll continue to write short stories every friday, but a major focus in the next 3-6 months will be renewing focus on my novel, Casting Stones.

I’ll definitely need to alter my mindset and spend more time focusing on the details of a scene.  Today’s article is really more for my benefit than for yours.  The scene I am delving into could be covered in a single sentence in a short story – Kirsten spent the afternoon reading Moby Dick and ate a turkey sandwich for dinner. I’m going to take this one sentence and expand it into several hundred words that will allow you to gain greater insights into the characters and the scene.  Honestly, it’s not a very action-packed scene – and therein lies the challenge.

Warning: nothing of any importance happens in this scene – it is merely a writing exercise.

Kirsten

The daily assault of the sun’s gentle rays had long ago caused the curtains to fade from virgin white to a yellowed tint.  It was late afternoon, and the rays peeked through the window once again and flooded the living room in a gentle glow.

Kirsten sat down the glass of iced tea and took a seat in the antique rocking chair.  As it squeaked in response to the rocking, she opened the cover of a dog-eared copy of Moby Dick.  She stopped for a moment to ponder the first line – “Call me Ishmael.”  She found this to be an interesting name.  She had never actually known anyone named Ishmael.  She remembered Ismael Valdez with the Dodgers and remembered that her dad had mentioned Rocket Ismail returning kicks for Notre Dame.  But never an Ishmael.

Kirsten pushed her glasses back up on her nose and delved deeper into the protagonist of Melville’s classic.  A few of her friends were school teachers, and many of them held summer jobs – working retail, carpentry, and on farms.  Kirsten couldn’t imagine any of them spending time on a whaling ship.  Ishmael certainly had an adventurous spirit.

Kirsten was fully engrossed in the adventures of adventures of Ishmael, Ahab, and Queequeg when she suddenly realized that the room had grown dark.  It had been several hours since she had begun reading, and her stomach began to cry out in agony.  She rose from the rocking chair, slipped on her shoes and began her pursuit of dinner.

Kirsten’s scarlet stilettos drummed out a melodic series of clicks as she strode purposefully across the hardwood floor. When she arrived at the mahogany table in the dining room, she flipped the switch on the ancient lamp. The compact fluorescent bulb fluttered for a short moment before realizing its full potential and bathing the room in light.

Kirsten reached above her head and opened the cupboard door.  One of the screws from the hinge fell to the counter top with a clatter.  Kirsten sighed.  She loved the old house, including the beautiful glass-front cupboards, but it seemed that one thing or another was constantly in need of maintenance.  She grabbed a screw driver from the junk drawer, slid the foot stool into place, and fastened the screw.  She opened and closed the door several times, assuring herself that the screw was tightly in place.

Kirsten took a dinner plate from the lower shelf and had to step on her tip toes to grab a glass from the top shelf.  She wondered why she hadn’t gotten one down while she had been on the step stool.  Some of the features of this house were certainly not built for someone as petite as Kirsten.

To her great delight, she discovered that the breadbox still held a single croissant.  She thanked her lucky stars that she wouldn’t have to settle for the bland alternative of whole wheat bread.

When Kirsten ducked her head inside the refrigerator, she was disappointed to see that Sam had eaten the last of the ham.  She stuck out her tongue and resigned herself to turkey.  She was happy to see that Sam had at least left a single slice of Swiss cheese behind.  She inhaled the aroma of the cheese.  Kirsten could be frugal with many of her purchases, but not with cheese.  The difference in flavor between a high grade of Swiss cheese and a bargain basement substitute was incalculable.

Kirsten grabbed the carton of milk from the bottom shelf and filled the glass nearly to the brim.  She replaced the carton, closed the refrigerator door, and carried the plate and glass to the table.

She took a long drink of the milk before taking a big bite from the sandwich.  The house was quiet, except for the faraway sounds of crickets chirping and the occasional creak as the house continued the century long process of settling onto the foundation.  Kirsten missed Sam when he was traveling on business, but she didn’t miss the ever-present blare of the television set that plague the house when he was around.

Officer Graham Watkins grabbed the stale coffee, tossed the paper cup into the metal basket in the corner of the room, and turned to face the witness.  He plopped down a fresh cup of brew in front of him and took a seat.

“Good morning, Mr. Mills,” he started, reading the name from the page in front of him, “We believe that you may have information pertinent to an ongoing criminal investigation.  We – “

The other man cut off Watkins in mid sentence.  “I confess, I killed her.  Lock me up.”  Spencer Mills buried his head in his hands and began to weep uncontrollably.

The rookie officer was fortunate that Mills wasn’t able to see him as Watkins’ jaw dropped completely to the floor.  What the hell?  This was supposed to be a cookie cutter interview regarding an embezzlement case against one of Mills’ co-workers.  Now we were talking about murder.  Watkins hadn’t the slightest clue what killing Mills might be talking about.

Watkins wondered if it might be best to get a more seasoned investigator into the room to finish the interview.  Watkins decided against it, preferring to strike while the iron was hot.  By the time he tracked down a detective, Mills might stop talking.  Better to keep the ball rolling.

“Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. Mills.  Your confession will undoubtedly bring some closure to the family of the victim.  Before I go further, I should advise you that you have certain rights.”  Watkins pulled out his pocket copy of the Miranda rights and made sure that he recited them clearly and correctly.

“Now, do I understand that you wish to waive these rights and speak freely about this crime?”

Mills wiped tears from his face and nodded in agreement.

Watkins pulled a sheet of paper from one of the folders in front of him.  “This form is a waiver of your Miranda rights.  If you wish to waive your rights, read this carefully and then sign and date the form at the bottom.”  Watkins uncapped his pen and handed it to Mills.  Mills gave the document a cursory glance before scribbling his signature.

Watkins breathed more easily.  Sometimes the mere mention of Miranda could make criminals think twice about confessing.  He had cleared the first hurdle.

Typically, the interrogator has most of the pieces of the puzzle and needs just a few details from the perpetrator in order to complete the picture.  In this case, the situation was completely flipped.  Watkins had just a couple of pieces and needed to extract the other 498 from Mills.  He decided to get the ball rolling with an open ended question.

“Why did you do it?”

“I just got tired of waiting, you know?  I picked her up at a bar near the stadium.    Alex Brady had a good game, and we won, so everyone was in a pretty good mood.  Afterward, we went back to my place.  I just wanted to get in her pants, but she wanted to watch the Bombers game.  So we’re watching the stupid Bombers game.  The whole time, I’m just thinking about sex, but she keeps talking about baseball.  She just won’t shut up, you know?  Finally, she’s yammering on about the DH, and I just snapped.”

Watkins took a long sip of coffee from his cup.  He needed to tread very lightly.  It was critical to avoid tipping off Mills to the fact that he had absolutely no idea what murder Mills was confessing to.  Asking for the name of the victim was sure to make Mills clam up.  He decided on an indirect approach, hoping that useful information would spill out.

“This is my first murder case,” admitted Watkins.  “I’ve always wondered – what does it feel like?”

Mills grinned back at the rookie.  “It was the ultimate high, copper.  Like the perfect trip.  Better than blow, better than ice.  Feeling her neck snap was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced.”

Want to know what comes next?  It’ll cost you!

As you know, the vast majority of the content on The Soap Boxers is free.  A couple of times each year, I bundle up the fiction stories that have accumulated since the last publication, add in a bonus story, and tie them up in a nice bundle and attach a price tag.

How much will it cost you?  Well, you have 3 purchasing options:

• The 96 page PDF Tip of the Iceberg and Other Stories.  The PDF contains 31 stories consisting of about 27,000 words.  I’m pricing this at 15 cents per story – $4.65 for the collection.
• The title story is also available as an audio book with a run time of about 28 minutes.  Your cost is $1.99.  Note that this is just the one story, not all 31.
• You can also purchase the combo pack that contains the PDF as well as the audio book.  Normally the price is  $5.79 – but for the next two weeks, you can get it for $4.65.  That’s the same price as the PDF, so you might as well buy the combo pack.

You can find these products and many others, at the Hyrax Publications store.  I hope you think the pricing is fair and will buy a copy to support an independent writer.

As an added bonus, the first three people to buy the combo pack will receive a free copy of The Cell Window combo pack.  If you are one of the first three people, I will try to notify you within 24 hours.  If you aren’t among the first three, you can still get a good deal on The Cell Window Combo Pack – it’s currently on sale for just $3.65.

I will also allow you to share any product with a friend.  In reality, there’s very little I can do to prevent you from sharely freely, other than rely in the honor system.  However, in this case, you can share with a friend with no guilt whatsoever.  All I ask is that you tell the friend about The Soap Boxers.

Thank you for your continued support.

Our country has been involved in quite a few wars in the last 100 years.  World War I seemed to be more or less justified, although some can claim that we timed things just right to place ourselves as the heroes riding in to save the day.  Diplomatic mistakes and overbearing surrender conditions created the perfect conditions for Hitler’s rise to power.  That lead us to World War II.  World War II was certainly justified.  Regardless of the overwhelming public sentiment in 1939 to remain neutral, the atrocities of the Nazis had to be stopped and probably wouldn’t have been stopped without American intervention. 

I won’t argue the pros and cons of the two biggst post-WWII wars, Vietnam and Korea here but it is hard to argue against the statement that they weren’t as “justified” as World War II.  During WWII, the massive industrial effort of the United States combined with the near absolute destruction of the German and Japanese industrial infrastructure set up the US to be a dominant industrial power for at least the next few decades.  American cars rolled off the lines.  American military products became the rage in nearly every country to field an army.  American companies were on a roll from the post-war boom.  A new industry practically exploded in size – defense contractors. 

War is a huge industry.  It can be easily argued that World War II was precisely what this country needed to get us out of the great depression.  World War II quickly blended into the cold war which saw active conflicts such as the Korean War, The Vietnam War, The invasion of Grenada, the invasion of Panama and many other smaller military actions.  Except for a few years in the 70’s and the 2000s (when the George W. Bush administration didn’t include the 2 wars on the budget) the percentage of US discretionary spending on military matters has been over 50%.  We have bridges falling, a sub-par electrical infrastructure, and weak public transit compared to nearly every other industrialized nation on the planet and yet we’re spending half our optional money on the military.  Diseases still run unchecked, half our population is overweight, and yet we currently have a navy that’s bigger than the next 13 navies combined – and 11 of those 13 are considered allies.  Consider that the US Navy has dramatically decreased in size since the 80’s, too.

What’s a bigger threat to the US – a massive, coordinated attack on our information infrastructure or a massive, coordinated attack by troops, planes, and ships?  War should always be the last possible option, yet major political decisions are made every day to spend money on war before spending money on citizens.

The F22 program is a perfect example of how the defense industry has a stranglehold on US politics.  Originally designed as a successor to the aging F15 fighter, the F22 won a competition between two massive teams of defense contractors.  In addition, the final product is a joint venture between dozens of different companies, with major components designed and manufactured in dozens of different states and countries.  When it was proven that the F22 was far too expensive for the results it produced, this “shotgun” style approach to manufacturing almost gave it a too-big-to-fail style argument against killing it.  The defense industry didn’t even need lobbyists in this case; almost every politician with a stake in the program argued to keep it active, despite the massive bill it was ringing up with proven flaws and extra expenses.

It might be a painful transition, but it’s time to start thinking about better peacetime expenditures.  F22s, aircraft carriers, and tanks are not going to stop terrorists.  A healthy, smart, well-equipped population with transparency in defense lobbying will be the best deterrent of all as we move forward in this new century.

The PGA Championship starts this Thursday at Whistling Straits at Kohler, Wisconsin. This is the second time this great course has hosted a PGA Championship, the last one seeing the Big Fijian, Vijay Singh victorious in a playoff over Chris Dimarco and Justin Leonard.

Whistling Straits is an interesting course, it is a little bit of links style golf in the always links golf thought of state of Wisconsin. Premium is placed on putting your ball in play off the tee, so the winner this week will likely be among the leaders in the field in driving accuracy.

Tiger Woods has no chance to win this week. None, zip, zero, nada. The soon to be former world number one player is … in the words of Joe Willie Namath … struggaaaaliiiing …. Tiger cannot keep it on the golf course, frankly looked completely disinterested last week and now goes into a course that requires you to hit shots to certain spots on each hole. This sounds like appetite to miss the cut if you ask me.

Phil Mickelson, aka Flopsy McChokenstein, showed again last week why we love to get our fill of Phil. Just when it looks like he is poised to make a move, win a big tourney and take over the #1 spot, he goes out and fires a smooth 78 hitting it all over the park and looks completely lost. As only Phil can do in a presser, he indicates he really is close and expects big things this week. Links style courses have not be Phil’s forte, so we shall see what transpires.

Here are Goodman’s Picks for the week in no particular order

• Justin Leonard, has had success here before, played well last week, good driver of the ball. I like this combination
• Jeff Overton , about as consistent as they come over the last few weeks, has been a top 10 machine, so why not again
• Ernie Els, Mr. “What about me” Ernie has fallen out of contention for a few years but has played great this year and leads in Fed Ex Cup points
• Retief Goosen, only a triple bogey to start his third round sidetracked him last week, he finished 3 back, and if the putter gets going on tricky greens…..we have seen it before
• Rory McIlroy, the kid is about due to throw out another great performance, why not this week.

As always I hope the wind blows thirty five, the rough is six feet tall and the ground hard as a runway. I love watching the best have a tough time of it.

When Matt Holliday was traded away from the Rockies, I thought that perhaps the “product of Coors Field” factor was gone for good.  When Holliday was with the Rockies, he always had dramatic home/road splits, but his road numbers lagging far behind his home numbers.  Many observers missed a few things:

1)  While Holliday’s road OPS was lower than his home OPS, it nonetheless rose steadily over the years
2)  Holliday’s home/road differential dwarfed that of any other player on the Rockies. Doesn’t a high tide lift all boats?

Personally, I came to have the belief that Holliday would always outperform the home/road differentials of his teammates, regardless of which park he called home.  While there is no doubt that Coors Field was a factor, I felt that an equally strong factor was Holliday’s approach at home.  For whatever reasons, he was simply more comfortable at home than he was on the road.  Holliday put up strong evidence in favor of this in 2009 and 2010 – posting an OPS 150 points higher at home in 2009 and 90 points higher in 2010. 

Gonzalez replaced Holliday in left field and seems to have inherited his penchant for huge home/road splits – in spite of the fact that he hits from the opposite side of the plate and has a lot more speed than Holliday.  Let’s take a closer look at Gonzalez this year:

Home: .375 BA. 19 homers, 1.144 OPS
Road: .282 BA, 6 HR, .732 OPS

That’s a home/road split of .412 – it was around a .500 point differential before CarGo’s strong weekend series in Pittsburgh.  League wide, players post an OPS of about .030 better at home.  So it’s Coors, right?  The team does have a healthy +.185 at home.  But Gonzalez’s numbers skew this dramatically, since his stats are included in the team stats.  Throw him out and the team has about a +.140 differential, meaning that CarGo’s differential is 3 times that of the rest of the team.

Let’s take a quick look at differentials of CarGo’s teammates. I’m setting the cutoff point at 250 plate appearances.

CA Miguel Olivio (Righty): +.473 (310 PAs)
OF Seth Smith (Lefty): +.376 (287 PAs)
OF Dexter Fowler (Switch): +.359 (303 PAs)
RF Brad Hawpe (Lefty): +.373 (289 PAs)

{Oddly, nobody in this gap of .300 points}

2B Clint Barmes (Righty): +.070 (375 PAs)
OF Ryan Spilborghs (Righty): +.007 (259 PAs)
SS Troy Tulowitzki (Righty): -.025 (319 PAs)
1B Todd Helton (Lefty): -0.101 (305 PAs)
3B Ian Stewart (Lefty): -.104 (325 PAs)

What do we see? Lots of players with strong positive splits and some with negative splits (which isn’t really what you would expect with Coors Field. Clearly, the small sample size comes into play. Let’s take a look at some of the players who have thrived at Coors.

Miguel Olivio: This is Olivio’s first year with the Rockies, so there’s not a large track record to draw from. What jumps out at me is the fact that Olivio has a .485 BABIP at home and a .233 BABIP on the road. This statistic – measuring the batting average on balls that are into play (excluding strikeouts and home runs) is generally about .300 league wide. Some hitters have a higher BABIP than others, but most are in the .270 – .330 range. Coors boosts BABIP a bit, due to the large outfield, but a .485 BABIP is absurd – as is the .233 road BABIP. Is this the reason for Gonzalez’s differential? Nope – his road BABIP is actually higher than his home BABIP. And as a side note, watching for Miggy’s numbers to slide late in the seasons – the .485 is not sustainable (nor is the .233, but there’s more downside to the home stats than there is upside to the road stats.)

Seth Smith – A nearly 100 point BABIP differential again explains away most of Smith’s home/road split. Smith does have a +.281 OPS for his career, albeit with a relatively small sample size (805 career plate appearances).

Dexter Fowler – Chalk up a big chunk of this differential to a 7 game stretch from July 1 through July 8 during which Dex hit .500 with a homer, 3 doubles, and 4 triples – good for a 1.622 OPS. These were Fowler’s first game at home following a demotion to AAA, and I suspect that he was trying to show that he belonged in the majors. Again, Fowler is a young player without a lot of time in the majors.

OK, the veteran Brad Hapwe. This proves that Coors is friendly to lefthanded power hitters, right? Well, except for the fact that over the course of his career, Hawpe’s home OPS is just .052 higher at home – 2010 is simply an outlier.

While we’re on the topic of career splits, here are the splits for other Rockies who have played at least a few seasons as a starters (the Rockies have a very young team).

Todd Helton: +.205
Clint Barmes: +.178
Troy Tulowitzki: +.103

At this point, it should be pretty clear that Coors Field doesn’t push an OPS 400 points higher.  For Gonzalez, I’m going to assume that either:

1)  2010 is a fluke and future years will have a smaller differential
2)  He will have Holliday-esque split in future years – hopefully with  a Holliday-esque rise in road OPS each year

Some interesting notes:

• Gonzalez rarely walks (19 for the year) but has nearly 3 times as many walks at home vs. road (14 vs. 5).  As a whole, the Rockies walk about the same amount at home vs. road.
• Carlos has a high home run rate against pitchers who are groundball pitchers than pitchers who are flyball pitchers or have an average FB/GB mix.  That’s a bit weird, since groundball pitches tend to keep the ball down.
• Gonzalez is doing better against left handed pitchers than against righties.  In general, lefty hitters struggle mightily against lefty pitchers.

The takeaway from this?  Gonzalez is a hell of a player at age 24.  He has a few years to play before he gets to his physical peak (age 27) and should get even better.  Hopefully he begins to hit better away from Coors – but even if he doesn’t, there’s a ton of value in a guy who can post a 1.144 OPS in half his games.  Those sort of numbers help you win a lot of games.

Last week a federal judge determined that proposition 8 was unconstitutional.  Proposition 8 is an amendment to the constitution of the state of Californian which forbids gay marriage by inserting the definition of marriage as one man and one woman.  This proposition and the judge’s ruling have created a firestorm of news articles.  Now I am a not a social conservative, therefore I do not really have a strong opinion as to whether a gay couple’s relationship should be labeled as a marriage, a union or any other term.  My concern is with the unintended consequences of this argument.

First, let’s look at the amendment.  It is rather simple and is focused on the definition; one man and one woman.  It was passed by a super majority of the people of California.  I am not a lawyer, but from what I can tell, this amendment only pertained to marriage in California and did not block the recognition of gay marriages from other states such as Massachusetts.  This presents a problem for the state at least at the tax level, as California does have separated tax tables for married couples just like the federal government.  How do your recognize something that could not have happened in the state?  That is just one of many ramifications.

Now let’s look at the Judge’s decision.  The judge stated that the amendment was discriminatory and therefore violated the United States Constitution.  This is interesting in that the United States Constitution has very specific things that are protected from discrimination, and gay marriage is not one of them.  I am not debating whether this is discrimination or not, I am just looking at the consequences.  IF we eliminate the definition, which was apparently not needed in the past, we have to consider what we do for other forms of marriage.  Does this decision mean that polygamy lays are unconstitutional?  Again, this is just one example.

In the past, we have had laws and constitutional amendments that now seem rather silly.  Until the 1960’s there were still laws forbidding interracial marriage.  Does this latest round of legal intrigue fall into this category?  If we look further into our history, we can see other laws and institutions that have been supported by majorities of the people and even upheld by the supreme court, later to be changed or thrown out.  I cannot predict the future, but these arguments which are so important today will at some future date seem rather odd to school children, if it is even mentioned at all.  I can predict that this issue will continue to be the source of many spiteful comments as each group believes that they are on the moral high ground.

The full text of the proposal is copied below from http://voterguide.sos.ca.gov/past/2008/general/text-proposed-laws/text-of-proposed-laws.pdf.

PROPOSITION 8

This initiative measure is submitted to the people in accordance with the provisions of Article II, Section 8, of the California Constitution.  This initiative measure expressly amends the California Constitution byadding a section thereto; therefore, new provisions proposed to be added are printed in italic type to indicate that they are new.

SECTION 1. Title

This measure shall be known and may be cited as the “California Marriage Protection Act.”

SECTION 2. Section 7.5 is added to Article I of the California Constitution, to read:

SEC. 7.5. Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

The full text of the Judge’s decision can be found at http://media.scpr.org/documents/2010/08/04/Perry_Trial_Decision.pdf.

Every time I have a bad customer service experience (which seems to be increasingly frequently these days), I am reminded of my worst customer service experience ever. We turn back the clock to the year 2000(ish), when I was set to ditch my 56K modem for DSL.  I contacted my local phone carrier, Verizon, to get the ball rolling.

Several days later, I had everything in place.  I fired up the DSL modem and … nothing.

I gave a call to tech support.  They couldn’t figure out the problem, so they gave me the number of someone else to call.  This cycle repeated itself for an entire weekend, at the end of which I had twenty different numbers for Verizon scribbled on a sheet of paper (I’m not exaggerating).  Once, someone referred me back to the same area that referred me to them – but used the acronym for that area instead of the full name and gave me a different number than the one I had.  I’m not sure if this was out of spite or incompetence.

This entire experience was frustrating for many reasons.  Some of the troubleshooters were apparently hired off the street five minutes before the shift began.  Yes, the DSL modem is plugged into the power outlet, just as it was when the last person asked me. I work in IT, so I wanted to bang my head against the wall in response to some of the possible root causes they suggested.

The most frustrating aspect was the obvious fact that they had no way to track problems.  Every time I called, I had to repeat every single detail of my experience to the new “customer service” rep – by the end of the weekend, this took a lot of time.  I work for a company that utilizes a tracking system for problems.  If I route your call to another area, the new person immediately has the entire history of the problem.  This is a very, very good thing.

At the end of a very long weekend, I told them to just forget it and cancel my account.  I was just going to stick with 56K.  I couldn’t even justify getting cable internet.  At that time, I received free cable in my apartment, and getting cable internet would have meant switching to a different provider – meaning that I’d be paying for cable TV in addition to cable internet.  Regardless, the joy of high speed internet was not worth the hassle of fighting with Verizon.

While I was on the phone, the customer service rep gave me two options to return the modem.  I could have them send me a postage paid box, or I could simply drop it off at my local Verizon Phone Mart.  In an attempt to make things easier for them, I said I’d drop it off at the Verizon Phone Mart.  Hey, why incur shipping fees when I could easily hand it back to a member of their organization?

Well, apparently the folks at the Verizon Phone Mart didn’t realize that they were being used as an outlet to return DSL modems.  They had no idea what to do with the modem.  I told them I’d call Verizon back when I got home and have those folks touch base with the brick and mortar store.  The Phone Mart people agreed to give this a shot.

When I called Verizon back, they assured me that they would touch base with the Verizon Phone Mart and process the return.  Wonderful – problem solved.

About ten days later, I got a call from the Verizon Phone Mart, wanting to know what to do with the modem.  I told them that a Verizon representative should have contacted them about the details of the return.  Unfortunately, the customer service rep hadn’t actually followed through and contacted them.  Again, this wasn’t a case of me randomly showing up at the Verizon Phone Mart with the modem – I had been given this option by a customer service rep.

I drove to the store and picked up the modem.  The people at the Verizon Phone Mart seemed to be as much of a pawn in this as me, so there was no point getting upset at them.  I called Verizon again and had them send me the postage paid box and finally sent the modem back.  Wonderful – problem solved.

Well, not exactly.  For about six months afterward, I kept getting charged for DSL service.  It took a lengthy phone call each month to finally get charge taken off the bill.  Each time, I was assure that the system showed that I did not have DSL service and would not be charged in the future.  Each month, the charge reappeared.

The story does have a happy ending, though.  One customer service rep managed to actually stop the charges from appearing.  However, even this was not mistake free.  When the representative applied the credits, she credited something twice.

At this point, I had an ethical dilemma.  I had money that rightfully belong to Verizon – around $20, I believe.  Should I call to inform them of their mistake, or just keep my mouth shut?

After six months of battling with them on billing issues, I decided to just keep my mouth shut.  I didn’t really want to waste more of my time arguing with them in an attempt to return their money.  Even worse, I feared that the process of reversing this credit would cause the whole mess to start up again.

To this day, I refuse to consider Verizon when I make purchasing decisions.  Over the past decade, I’ve also told this story to a great many people in order to explain my hatred for Verizon.

Malcom Newbury sat behind the great mahogany desk, waiting for the others to arrive for the meeting. The intern, Rachel Buxton, sat at Newbury’s right, pounding away at the keyboard as she answered the vast majority of emails that made it into Newbury’s inbox.

Buxton had been an intern at Newbury Industries for six months, but her ties to Malcom went back much further. Buxton’s parents had both been longtime domestic employees of Newbury.

Diana Buxton had been in charge of the inside of Newbury’s home. Among her chores were the cooking, cleaning, and trips to the grocery store. Where Diana’s realm ended, Thomas Buxton’s began. Thomas maintained the grounds, kept the two horses fed and exercised, fixed anything that broke, and served as chauffeur or butler when the occasion called for it.

When Rachel was fourteen, tragedy struck. Her parents were driving home from a rare night on the town when their car hit a patch of ice, slid off the road, and slammed into a tree. Diana and Thomas were killed instantly.

Diana and Thomas Buxton had no living family, so it was no great surprise that their wills dictated that Malcom Newbury be appointed as Rachel’s legal guardian. This was not a responsibility Malcom looked forward to. His own children had long since flown the coop, and he had no desire to raise another teenager.

Rachel was equally uncomfortable with the arrangement. However, she realized that remaining under the roof of Malcom Newbury was immeasurably better than landing on the streets, and she made every effort to ease the burden on him.

Over the years, Rachel had assisted her mother on many of the tasks around the house, and she quickly slipped into the role her mother had filled for Malcom – ensuring that the house was clean and that dinner was always ready on time. Malcom had hired a man to maintain the grounds, but Rachel took charge of the horses.  The fact that Rachel Buxton was able to maintain excellent grades with a grueling work schedule was a testament to the fortitude of the young woman.

Two years later, Malcom had suffered a heart attack while eating dinner. His trusty servant Rachel had immediately performed CPR and called 911. At the hospital, she maintained a vigil in his room, sleeping for only fifteen or twenty minutes at a time before resuming her watch.

It was during his convalescence that Newbury realized that he had taken the loyalty of Rachel and her parents for granted. This sixteen year old girl stood by him every step on his recovery, serving as his coach and urging him on. At the same time, not a single member of Malcom’s own family could be bothered to call or write.

Malcom decided that Rachel would have the opportunity to go to college, despite the fact that her parents had died nearly penniless. On her eighteenth birthday, Malcolm surprised her with the gift of a college education, completely paid for.

Three years into a stellar college career, it had been time for Rachel to embark upon an internship. She had initially balked at the prospect of an internship with Newbury Industries, insisting that she wanted to gain an opportunity on her own merits. Malcom had suggested that she analyze her resume more closely – her merits certainly qualified her for this opportunity.

For six months, she had been Malcom Newbury’s personal assistant. She had learned about the company from the founder himself. She was a natural, and was soon handling the majority of correspondence with minimal involvement from Newbury – allowing only the most complex issues to arrive at his desk. She was far and away the best assistant Newbury had ever had the pleasure of working with.

Rachel ceased her typing when the five vice presidents of Newbury Industries entered the office and took their seats. She sat with anticipation, waiting for the meeting of the power brokers to begin.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began Malcom Newbury, “as you know, this young woman is Rachel Buxton, the intern. She has been doing an excellent job, and I would like to announce her promotion.”

Rachel broke into a broad smile at the unexpected news. Being promoted to a permanent position would be a great relief – no more running around trying to land a job before she graduated in May.

“As of this moment, Rachel will assume the title of vice president. Upon my retirement or eventual demise, she will become president of the company.”

Rachel sat in stunned silence. She noticed that she was the only one registering any shock – it was clear that this meeting was for her benefit.

Malcom turned and spoke directly to Rachel. “Over the years, I treated your parents very poorly. They put their very heart and soul into making me happy, and I rewarded them only with their wages. They gave me the great honor of raising their daughter, and this I also held in low regard. In my old age, I have come to realize that you are far more family that my own flesh and blood. I have enjoyed watching your successes over the years, and it is with great pride that I look forward to turning my life’s work over to you.”

When he finished speaking, Rachel saw a single teardrop land on his cheek. She stood to embrace him, the only living person that she could consider to be family. Their relationship had been forged by hardships – and as a result, was as strong as steel.

$862,000,000,000.  That is what $862 billion looks like.  That happens to be the amount of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009.  We’ve all been concerned as we heard stories about where the money was going.  I did a little poking around and I found these items below:

• $233 million to UC at San Diego to study why Africans vote.
• $2 million to build fire station in Nevada but the county couldn’t afford the wages.
• $550,000 to replace windows in a Washington (state) visitor’s center that had closed in 2007.
• $1.9 million the California Academy of Sciences to study ants.
• $800,000 for a Georgia Tech assistant professor to study improved music by “jamming” with world renowned musicians.
• North Carolina schools received $4.4 million to hire math & literacy coaches FOR THE TEACHERS.
• $24 million to a contractor currently on trial for bribery
• $15 million to Boeing which was fined for polluting a creek—they were asked to monitor water quality.
• $650 million for digital TV coupons
• $600 million to convert the federal auto fleet to hybrids
• $400 million to local governments to purchase hybrid vehicles
• $9 million to Harvard University to research and assemble robotic bee
• $428,000 to design better video games for senior citizens

There are so many more reckless and foolish expenditures that I had to quite typing.  I stated to feel carpel tunnel and I was starting scream like the Angry Squirrel.

Pork, pork, pork.

Have you seen those highway signs on your way to work?  You know, the ones that read: “Funded by the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act” and “Putting America Back to Work”?  I have seen a few of them.  I drive past one on I-25 every morning and every night.  I had no idea that they cost so much though.  ABC News recently reported that Pennsylvania spent $157,000 for 70 of those signs.  That averages $2,242.86 per sign.  I heard an earlier news report that was even higher but I was unable to locate it now.  I also heard a news report that documented a large amount of money was spent to study the mating habits of bees.  However, I was not able to find the particulars.

I’m glad that we have a president that will not sign any bill into law that contains pork.  This is truly the kind of hope and change that people were voting for.

Squeaky…