July 9, 2010

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The alarm clock jarred Calvin Chance from a fitful sleep.  Calvin slapped the snooze button and pulled the blankets over his head.  At 6:22 AM the alarm erupted with noise again, and Calvin had to make a decision.

Calvin decided that he would not work today.  He called the boss and left a message saying that he was sick with the flu.  Calvin turned off the blasted alarm clock and once again used the blankets to shield himself from the outside world.

At the crack of noon, Calvin’s body was suffering an overdose of sleep, and he was thrust unwillingly into consciousness.  He yawned and finally arose from his bed.

First, it was time for a shower.  Calvin pondered the risks.  A surprising number of people died in shower-related accidents each year.  Water was truly the hidden killer.  On this, of all days, Calvin decided that he would forgo the shower.  It simply wasn’t worth the risk.

Calvin’s stomach had begun to growl.  It was time for lunch.  He was really craving a burger from the corner diner.  Calvin gave serious thought to leaving the house in pursuit of lunch.  Finally, he decided it was simply too dangerous.  Driving a car to the diner was essentially inviting an accident to happen.  Calvin was definitely capable of walking the three blocks, but that would mean crossing a busy intersection.  How could he be sure that a car wouldn’t run a red light and send him hurtling toward Saint Peter at the pearly gates?  No thank you.  Calvin would be staying home for lunch today.

Calvin wondered if perhaps he should have a pizza delivered.  He quickly abandoned this idea as well.  With his luck, the delivery driver would be a psycho who would slice his throat with a pizza cutter.  Calvin double checked to doors to make sure that the deadbolt was engaged.

He quickly ruled out anything that involved the oven.  Ovens were inherently dangerous.  Even if the gas stove didn’t leak and cause an explosion, he was likely to burn himself.  He thought about slicing some cheese, but decided that using a knife would not be a good idea.  Finally, he settled on a jelly sandwich.  He spooned the grape goop onto a slice of bread and took very small bites to minimize the risk of choking.

After lunch, Calvin decided that he would read one of the books that had been gathering dust on the shelf.  A moment later, he realized the danger that paper cuts could cause.  He could easily slice a vein on one of the sharp pages and bleed to death before anyone found him.  He turned to the television for a moment, before realizing the dangers of an electrical device.  His whole house was a death trap.  Calvin gathered up his blankets and pillow and barricaded himself into the safe room in the middle of the house.  Truly, this was a place for him to wait until the danger had passed.  Friday the 13th was not something to be trifled with.

Calvin huddled in the corner for hours, afraid to make any sudden moves, lest he pull a ligament and become disabled.  As night fell, he realized that the game would be on soon.  He decided to take a gamble.  Calvin slowly made his way to the corner, where a small battery operated radio sat.  He turned the station to 850 AM and waited for the game to begin.

A few minutes later, the station noted the passage of the hour.  “The time is 7:00 PM on Thursday the 12th of August.”

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