Nov 24, 2011
kosmo - See all 772 of my articles
[Editor’s note: this story originally ran in 2009 as a two part story. This year, it’s a rerun, but I’m giving it to you all at once. A few very minor changes were made. This story is part of a trio of holiday stories – you may also like What’s In The Chili (Halloween) and Mrs. Claus and the Christmas Mistress.]
“Oh, Kate, you didn’t have to bring anything,” said Erin, as she gave her friend a kiss on the cheek.
“Oh, it’s just a pumpkin pie. You and Kevin prepared the rest of the food – this is just a token of our appreciation.”
“Well, we definitely appreciate it,” chimed in Kevin. “Pumpkin pie is my favorite. Let me grab your coats. Dinner is ready to be served.”
Kevin hung up the coats while Kate and Tom followed Erin to the kitchen. The smell of turkey, stuffing, corn, and potatoes wafted through the air.
“Everything smells so good. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. What’s not to like about a national eating holiday?” laughed Tom.
Their hostess grabbed the carving knife. “What part of the turkey do you like, Tom?” she asked.
“I’m a leg man.” Tom held his plate out, and Erin slid a juicy drumstick onto it.
The four friends took their places around the table and began passing around bowls of food. Kevin took a large portion of mashed potatoes, topped the mound with stuffing and corn, and poured a river of gravy over the top. Tom grabbed two slices of Erin’s famous corn bread, and Kate served herself an extra large portion of the delicious cranberries. Erin herself appeared to play no favorite – she took equal portions of each dish.
The foursome began their feast, and a pleasant silence enveloped the room, punctuated only by the sounds of chewing and an occasional burp. During the second helping, the eating began to slow a bit, and conversation resumed.
“Stetson’s going to light up the Sharks,” proclaimed Tom, in between bites of turkey.
Kevin smiled politely. This was not the time to stoke an argument about the relative strengths of the Sharks and Cougars. Tom was a complete moron for believing that the Cougars were on the same level with the Sharks. In the grand scheme of things, it really didn’t matter very much, though.
“He definitely had a good week against Cleveland. We’ll see if he can maintain that sort of momentum. Rookie quarterbacks can hit some bumps in the road.”
“This isn’t just any rookie,” exclaimed his friend. “This is Frankie effing Stetson, number one draft pick in the whole world.”
Erin interrupted Tom’s idol worship. “Does anyone have room for a slice of Kate’s pie?”
In spite of the large meal, everyone seemed to have just enough room for one slice of pumpkin pie. Tom loosened his belt a notch while Erin popped up from her chair. She returned to the table with the pumpkin pie, as well as a container of Cool Whip.
“Awesome,” said Tom. “There’s nothing better than pumpkin pie with Cool Whip.”
After everyone had finished their pie, Erin began to collect the dishes. Kate stood up the help her while the guys headed to the living room to watch football.
“It’s under control, Kate. I’ll handle the dishes. You can go watch the game.”
Kate put up a feeble protest before joined the men in front of the big screen TV. By the time that Kate had finished the dishes, all three were sound asleep, thanks to the turkey and wine.
Erin gently shook Kevin to wake him.
“Kevin! It’s time to get started.”
Kevin hopped up from his easy chair and walked to the closet. He returned with ropes. He bound Tom’s hands and feet together while Erin secured Kate in a similar fashion.
Erin returned to the kitchen and pushed aside a fake wall, exposing two large hidden compartments. She pushed open the two large doors before joining Kevin back in the living room. Kevin had sliced off Tom’s clothing, leaving the man as naked as when he entered the world. As Kevin hefted Tom’s body and took the first few halting steps toward the kitchen, Erin grabbed the knife and cut Kate’s clothing so that it could also be easily removed. A minute later, Kevin returned, grabbed Kate’s still-slumbering form, and made another trip to the kitchen.
Kevin slid Kate onto the grate and closed the door, locking it into place. He hit the button to activate the wash cycle. Tom and Kate were bathed with pulses of water, cleansing their skin perfectly. Kevin hit the button to activate the next cycle.
Tom began to regain his consciousness a bit. He was certain that he was smelling a very strong scent of butter. Butter? Where was that smell coming from? Three seconds later, Tom felt his body be assaulted with streams of hot, liquid butter. What the hell? The wine was having a very strong effect on Tom, but he was slowly coming to the realization that something was very wrong. He realized that he was flat on his back, with his hands and feet tied together. He was trussed up like a pig! There was something in his mouth. He couldn’t place the flavor at first, but soon realized that it was an apple. He felt the room slowly start to heat up and came to the realization that he was being cooked alive!
Tom tried to scream, but was unable to dislodge the apple. He struggled against his bonds, but could make no progress. He was wedged tightly into the oven and had limited mobility. Before long, Tom had been overcome by the heat.
“Go watch the game,” said Erin, giving Kevin a kiss. “Things are under control in here. It will be several hours before supper is ready.”
Kevin plopped down in front of the TV just as the second half was beginning. The Sharks had fallen behind 21-0 in the first half, but this was not to be a good day for Tom’s golden boy, Frank Stetson. Stetson threw four interceptions in the second half, lost a fumble, and was sacked four times. Kevin laughed at the meltdown of the rookie quarterback. Tom really didn’t know shit about football.
After the Sharks had won the first game of the day and the Miners had steamrolled to a win in the second game of the day, it was time for supper.
When Kevin got to the kitchen, Erin had his plate ready for him. A big helping of potatoes, corn, stuffing, and gravy, along with a big chunk of drumstick a la Tom. On her own plate, Erin had a smaller bit of Tom’s leg, as well as a bit of white meat from Kate.
“I always did think turkey was a bit overrated.”Share this article via email Kosmo is the founder of The Soap Boxers and writes on a variety of topics. Many of his short stories have been collected into Kindle books. Like this site? Subscribe via RSS, Subscribe via Email, or Follow us on Twitter or Facebook. The permanent URL for this article is: