This article is completely fictional.  I have a great deal of respect for the real-life Strasburg.  Strasburg transformed himself, through hard work, from an undrafted high school player to the consensus top prospect in this year’s baseball draft.

San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg is certain to be a top selection in June’s baseball draft.  We at The Soap Boxers are big baseball fans, so we had reporter Scoop Chevelle hop on the first plane headed west to catch up with Strasburg in San Diego.  The interview got off to a bit of a rough start, as Scoop was unable to find Strasburg at the Aztec training facility or his apartment.  Finally, Scoop’s bloodhound instincts sniffed out Strasburg at the beach.  Strasburg was hesitant to interupt a leisurely day in the sun, but Scoop prevailed and Strasburg eventually agreed to an interview.

Scoop: Stephen, there have been reports that your agent, Scott Boras, is asking for a contract upwards of $50 million.  Many observers consider this to be an obscene amount of money for a kid who has never toed the mound in a professional game.  What do you have to say to those critics?

Strasburg:  Well, Scoopy,  it’s definitely a boatload of cash.  On the flip side, though, take a look at some of my newspaper clippings.  Oh, darn, I left my scrapbook in my room.  Well, anyway, there are a bunch of writers who are saying that I’m a once-in-a-decade prospect.  Last year’s #1 pick, Tim Beckham, signed for $6.15 million.  A once-in-a-decade talent is obviously worth ten times that amount.  The math is pretty simple – my fair market value is $61.5 million.  Who can blame Mr. Boras for asking for $50 million?  In my opinion, he’s being rather generous with the discount.

Scoop: Well, that’s definitely an interesting way to look at it.  The Washington Senators, er Nationals, have the top pick in the draft.  Do you expect them to select you with that pick?

Strasburg: No, certainly not.  Mr. Boras had some preliminary discussions with the team, but negotiations broke down over the non-financial terms.

Scoop: Wow, that’s incredible news.  Tell us, Stephen, what was the sticking point?

Strasburg: Well, as you know, I have always had an interest in politics.  I’m a public administration major, and always wanted to leverage my education into a spot in the US Senate.  Washington, as it turns out, is the home of the federal government.  Since the Capitol has spots for 100 senators, I thought that the Nationals could find a way to get me appointed to one of the seats.  Perhaps the vacant Minnesota seat.  They kept yammering about things like “abuse of power” and “age requirements”.  After a while, Mr. Boras and I realized that the Nationals simply weren’t going to negotiate in good faith, so we broke off the talks.

Scoop: Well, then, where might we  expect to  see you land?

Strasburg: The Pirates, Scoop.

Scoop: The Pittsburgh Pirates, Stephen?  Is that some sort of a joke?

Strasburg: Well, they wouldn’t be the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Team officials are working with the mayor to change the name of the city to Strasburg, Pennsylvania.  Clearly, this is a team that has been fighting a lot of bad luck over the last few years, and they are destined for a breakout.  Hopefully I can pitch well enough down the stretch to get them to the World Series this year.

Scoop: Yes, that would definitely be quite the achievement.  Well, Stephen, it has been great talking to you.  I’m absolutely famished.  Where’s a good place to eat around here?

Straburg: Well, there’s Tony Gwynn’s bar and grill.  They have a half pound burger – all lean meat with no bull.  They call it the Strasburger …

Like this article?  You might enjoy Scoop’s interview with Manny Ramirez from last winter.

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Kosmo is the founder of The Soap Boxers and writes on a variety of topics. Many of his short stories have been collected into Kindle books.

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