Various media outlets are reporting that the St. Louis Cardinals have reached a deal with future Hall of Fame first baseman Albert Pujols.  The ten year deal will run from 2012-2021.  The most interesting aspect of the deal is that there is no cash involved.

GM John Mozeliak sat down with reporter Scoop Chevelle to discuss the deal.

“Well, Albert has always been a big part of the St. Louis community and has expressed great interest in furthering his investments in the St. Louis metropolitan area.”

When pressed for details, Mozeliak shared more information:

“Well, first of all, we’re handing him the keys to the Cardinals, of course.  If you run the numbers, it’s actually much cheaper to give him the team and a few bonus items than it would be to actually pay him cash.”

And what bonus items were included in the deal?

“The first thing Albert asked for was the famous Arch.  We expected that demand, and quickly handed over the deed.  Albert will also receive the St. Louis Zoo and all of the animal residents.”

Was there anything that Pujols asked for and didn’t receive?

“We didn’t buckle to every demand, of course.  He asked for the Mississippi River.  Honestly, that was a bridge too far, and we couldn’t do that.  He settled for the Missouri River, and everyone seemed to be happy with the compromise.”

Scoop next went to the streets to get the reaction from the public.

“Hey, the team needed to sign Pujols at any cost, you know?” commented Dave A.  “You gotta pay for quality, man.  You need to pay for quality.”

Others were less accepting of the deal.

“I really don’t understand how he could have received Kaufman stadium as part of the deal,” complained Kansas City resident George B.

George’s neighbor Frank W. echoed those sentiments.  “Yeah, isn’t Kaufman Stadium owned by another team?  How can the Cardinals just give it away?”

Commissioner Bud Selig attempted to smooth ruffled feathers.  Selig indicated that the deal was perfectly valid, and that his powers to act “in the best interests of baseball” created eminent domain to take Kaufman Stadium from the Royals and give it to Pujols.

Other residents of the state balked at the idea of the Gateway Arch passing into private hands.  Jon Jarvis, Director of the National Park Service, told us that he had left a voicemail for Pujols and was anxiously awaiting a return call.  “The Gateway Arch is a National Monument and has historically been under the custodianship of the National Park Service.  We at the NPS are very interested in knowing Mr. Pujols’ intentions.”

We attempted to reach Pujols for comment, but Colby Rasmus and Matt Holliday kept us away from him.  After that misadventure, we reached out to an unidentified employee of Pujols Manor.  The employee indicated that Albert had plans to turn the Arch into his private residence, allowing him to have great views of Busch Stadium and the riverfront.

Ryan Howard of the Phillies, who recently signed a deal for only $25 million per year, was said to be despondent at getting one-upped by Pujols yet again.

Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman had a cynical take on the deal.  “This is an obvious attempt to circumvent the luxury tax.  I mean, how do you value these assets?  Take the zoo, for example.  What’s an elephant worth?  Or a tiger?  The Cardinals should be ashamed of themselves.” 

 

This breaking news was brought to you by the fine folks at FNN, the Fake News Network.

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Kosmo is the founder of The Soap Boxers and writes on a variety of topics. Many of his short stories have been collected into Kindle books.

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