The SoapBoxers

If you’re the ultimate fan of The Soap Boxers, then I know exactly what you are thinking.  “Where can I find a crossword puzzle that will test my knowledge of the site.”

Until recently, this test did not exist.  However, I am pleased to announced that as of today, such a puzzle does exist!  I have created (with the assistance of the crossword generator at Armored Penguin) a 40 clue puzzle.  Some of the clues ask questions about the writers or the site itself, while other clues relate to topics that have been discussed on the site (hint: the “Search” functionality can be found on the right side of the menu near the top of the page).

Get stuck? Don’t worry – there’s an answer key.

• Download as PDF
• Download answer key as PDF

[Editor’s note: although Crunchy’s article about her attempt to save the barn in West Des Moines was the inspiration for the story, this is a completely fictional history. It should not be interpreted as a history of that particular barn, but an example of the legacy of all old buildings]

I’m an old barn, and they want to tear me down. I’m impeding development, they say. There’s no historical value in keeping me around, they say. Nothing special ever happened here, they say.

While I hate to be disagreeable, I must beg to differ. This old barn has seen a great many things is the years that have passed since I was built in 1932.

My history goes back further than that. I’m the second barn to be built on this land. In 1893, Paul Wright erected a wooden barn in the very spot where I stand today. It was in that barn that Paul milked his Herefords and laid the foundation for generations of Wright farmers.

Paul was joined by his son William, and the two managed the farm together for a quarter of a century. By the time that Paul was ready to retire, William’s own son John was ready to join the business.

In the fall of 1931, tragedy struck the Wright farm. Near midnight one October evening, the barn caught fire and burned to the ground. Most of the cattle were in the pasture – only a newborn calf and his mother perished in the blaze.

In the spring of 1932, construction began on a new barn – me. John Wright convinced his father that it made more sense to build the barn with bricks, rather than rebuilding with wood and risking yet another fire.

Convincing his father was the easy part – convincing the bank in the midst of the Great Depression was yet another. In the end, Frank Jacoby at Prairie National bank agreed to lend the Wrights the extra money to build a barn of brick.

I can still remember the first birth that occurred within my walls. The heifer was having difficulties with the delivery. William Wright was out of town, so John called upon his neighbor for help. After William was finally able to tie a rope around the calf’s leg, he and Magnus Jorgensen pulled the calf to safety. A short while later, the calf was taking a few tentative steps and nuzzling with its mother.

Young Carl Wright loved to play in the barn. When he was younger, he and his friends would make a fort from the hay bales in the loft. When he was a bit older, he shared his first kiss with Betsy Hill in a dark corner of the loft – undisturbed by the world outside.

A year after Carl and Betsy were married, Henry was born. I clearly remember a day in 1955 when the five-year-old boy brought fresh cookies from the kitchen to his father. One of the dogs – the little terrier – startled Henry and caused him to drop the plate of cookies on the ground. Little Henry burst into tears at the great tragedy. When Carl saw his boy crying, he held Henry in his arms and told him that everything would be all right. I could feel the love between father and son that day.

The youngest Wright to call the farm home was Keith. Keith never enjoyed the fieldwork or the milking, but he spent time around the old barn. He would tune in the old radio to catch the faintest of signals from the station broadcasting his team’s games. On warm summer days, he would throw a baseball against my brick wall repeatedly – developing the fastball that would land him partial college scholarship.

All good things eventually come to an end. As the farm income decreased, the bids from developers increased, and eventually the Wrights were forced to sell. I managed to hang around for a few years, but now it seems that my time has come – unless people realize that important history happened within my walls.

“Some people are going to be really surprised when Drew Brees stands up in Canton to give his acceptance speech.”

I’ve made comments similar to this a few times in the past year.  Even when speaking to knowledgeable fans, it’s often met with skepticism.  After all, Drew Brees is a nice guy, but he’s no Peyton Manning.  One friend even commented that he’s basically Dan Fouts, and that Fouts wasn’t good enough for the Hall of Fame.  I countered this by showing that Brees is better than Fouts was … and that Fouts is indeed enshrined in Canton.

Brees is definitely a nice guy.  He’s always involved in charity work and never in trouble – despite being the king of the party town of New Orleans.  In an article in Sports Illustrated, a Saints teammate pondered the question of how much trouble Ben Roethlisberger could get himself into in the Big Easy.  I do think, though, that Brees’ good-guy reputation may be preventing his greatness on the field from getting the recognition he deserves.

First of all, let’s stop with the comparisons to Peyton Manning.  Manning will go down as the greatest quarterback of this generation (sorry, Brady, but you’re going to come up shorting in counting stats, such as passing yards and TDs).  By the end of the 2014 season, Manning (who will be 38 at the time) will be the all time leader in passing yards and touchdowns (assuming that Brett Favre stays retired).

The presence of Manning, though, shouldn’t detract from the greatness of Brees, any more than the presence of Babe Ruth should detract from the greatness of Lou Gehrig.  Brees (who is nearly three years younger than Manning) has 35,266 passing yards and 235 touchdowns to his credit.  Let’s extrapolate a bit, assuming that Brees plays five more seasons.  (Yes, yes, we should be very careful when predicting future performance).

Brees has thrown at least 33 touchdowns in each of the past three seasons … but he’ll be getting older, so let’s assume a bit of decline.  Brees has seven straight seasons of at least 24 touchdowns – so let’s put him down for 25 more TDs in each of the next five seasons.  That’s 125 touchdowns to add to his current total of 235 – bringing the extrapolated total to 360.  In his five years as leader of the high powered Saints offense, Brees has averaged 4583.6 passing yards per year.  Again, let’s trim this down a bit, assuming for a bit of decline.  We’ll assume a still powerful Saints offense, but a “mere” 4000 passing yards per season.  That would add 20,000 passing yards to his total of 35,266 – bringing his extrapolated career total to 55,266.

How do those numbers stack up?  360 touchdowns would likely place him 4th or 5th all time (depending on how Tom Brady does during the same span) and 55,266 passing yards would likely rank 4th all time (Brees is currently behind Kerry Collins and Donovan McNabb, but I would expect him to be ahead of them at the end of the five years).

Bear in mind that my numbers are based on his retirement at age 36.  If he decides to play until he is 40, then 70,000 yards and 500 touchdowns might come into play.

Being top five in passing yards and TD would certainly punch Brees’ ticket to Canton.  Only three quarterbacks with more than 275 touchdowns are not in the Hall of Fame.  Two of theme aren’t eligible yet (Favre and Manning) but are locks to be enshrined – and the third is Vinny Testaverde, who took 21 seasons to toss 275 TDs.  Is Brees a product of a pass-happy era in the NFL.  Sure.  But there’s a reason why everyone isn’t racking up 4500 passing yards per year.  Most coaches don’t trust their quarerback to throw the ball 650 times per year.

Still, Brees must have some young gunslingers coming up in his rear view mirror, right?  Not really.  If we look at players younger than Brees, the leaders in touchdowns is Eli Manning with 156 and passing yards is Carson Palmer with 22,694.  That’s 75 fewer touchdowns and 12,572 fewer passing yards than Brees.

No matter how you slice it, Brees is one of the elite QBs in the game today.

The sound of Avril Lavigne’s voice was cut off suddenly when Beth Morgan pull out the earbuds and turned off her iPod.  It was time to rock and roll.

With one run remaining in the Olympics, the battle for the medals in the women’s luge was surprisingly tight.  The iconic German slider, Heidi Jager, had not been her dominant self and held a lead of just .092 seconds over fellow German Katarina Vogel.  Andrea Vogel – yet another German – was in third place, just .124 seconds back.  Beth – the great American hope – trailed by just .191 seconds, but an Austrian was just a hundredth of a second behind her.

The sliders were competing in reverse order of placement, with the best lugers waiting until the tail end for their turn.  Beth had been waiting patiently, and had now nearly reached the most important moment of her life.  She waited for the Autrian to finish her run.  It was a strong run, and Beth would need a mistake-free run to stay in fourth.

“Slide, baby, slide!” she told herself as she prepared for her run.

A moment later, Beth had launched herself down the hill.  She activated her mental map of the course and readied herself for the first turn.  She kept a low line into the corner and exited the curve with her speed still intact.  The adrenaline was coursing through her veins – racing down a sheet of ice at breakneck speed was perhaps second only to busting broncs on her uncle’s ranch in terms of pure excitement.  Beth struggled to keep the adrenaline from taking control – something that could cause her to oversteer and lose her line. 

As she zipped through the corners and straightaways, Beth realized that she was having the best run of her life.  She was perfectly in tune with the course – she was in the midst of a mistake free run, keeping a low line through every curve.  When she crossed the finish line, she glanced up at her time.  46.792!  It was the fastest time of the Olympics so far – and put her in strong contention for a medal.

Andrea Wagner was next on the course.  Beth held her breath as Wagner negotiated the course expertly.  It was a strong performance, but not quite good enough.  Wagner’s run caused her to slip behind Beth in the standings – clinching at least a bronze for the American.

Katarina Vogel had also been paying attention to Wagner’s run.  When Vogel reached the starting gate, she knew that a safe run wasn’t going to be enough to stay ahead of Beth.  She’d need a time of 46.89 or better to avoid slipping in the standings.  Vogel got off to a great start and was soon rocketing down the course.  Beth noticed that the German was taking a high risk, high reward approach.    Vogel made it nearly 2/3 of the way down the course before the risk caught up with her – her sled overturned coming out of a turn.  Vogel quickly righted herself and continued her descent, but she knew that a medal was an impossibility.

Beth Morgan could not contain her excitement!  Who would have ever expected an American to win a silver medal in these Olympics?  She watched Heidi Jager begin her run.  Jager needed a 46.982 to finish ahead of Beth – something she was certainly capable of.  Jager got off to a strong start and ran a low risk run – but, in typically Jager style, was able to get maximum speed out of it.  As the split times popped up, Beth saw that Jager was keeping pace with her time.

Three corners before the end, Jager exited the turn poorly, and it caused her to run bad lines through the final stretch of the course.  Certainly the mistake would cost her – but how much?  When Jager crossed the line, Beth looked up … and saw a time of 46.985!

Beth’s teammates mobed her before the reality sunk in – she was golden!

[Editor’s note: As many of you know, I am a huge fan of luge.  Unfortunately, for fans like myself, there are many good, independent luge sites on the internet – most of the sites are affiliated with governing bodies.  As a result, I have launched LugeFans.com, a place where luge fans can gather to discuss the sports.  I’ll be blogging on luge related topics – and seeking other writers to also write articles – but there are also discussion boards where free-form discussions can occur.  The site is still in its infancy (born yesterday), but expect it to grow considerably in the coming months.  As for Avril Lavigne?  Despite being a country fan for the most part, I’m a big fan of her music and just felt like slipping her into a story.  I always have her music on my iPod.]

As the stock market has meandered through peaks and valleys in recent years, gold has continued its rapid upward ascent. This has not gone unnoticed. On the one hand, we are bombarded by ads from companies urging you to invest in gold (by purchasing from them, of course). On the other side of the equation, everyone is offering to buy your gold jewelry – even the ugly and broken pieces. I must admit that I’m a bit confused at seeing both types of ads – is this a time to buy gold or sell gold?

So I have to ask myself – should I invest in gold?

It has often been said that gold tends to keep its value in a down economy. But why is this? As I see if, gold has two things going for it.

1. It’s pretty
2. It does a good job of conducting electricity

Obviously, the price of gold isn’t driven by its ability to conduct electricity. Certainly gold jewelry is pretty, but should this be the sole reason to pay more than $1300 per ounce?

There is another reason, of course. As gold enthusiasts will tell you, for thousands of years, people have used gold as currency – long before the advent of paper currency (this is the old argument of “this is how we’ve always done it in the past”). After all, you can always print more money, but you can’t make more gold. While that statement is literally true, it’s misleading. While the amount of gold existing in the world cannot be increased, the fact of the matter is that we don’t know how much exists. We know how much exists in the marketplace, but this can be increased by mining for gold. Is there a mother lode in the midst of the Amazon basin, just waiting to be extracted?

If the world economy was teetering on the brink of collapse, how valuable would gold really be? The basic necessities of life are food, water, and shelter. Gold provides none of these. Can you trade gold for these necessities? Sure – as long as your trading partner values gold more than food, water, or shelter.

Why, then, does gold continue to rise? I believe that it’s not because gold is intrinsically immune from economic downturns, but merely that a large number of people have convinced themselves that gold is immune from economic downturns. There’s a term for this – a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The “buy gold” advertisements tend to fan the flames a bit more. At some point, we’re going to reach a point where all of the believers have bought into the gold bull market. What will happen at that point? Will the bubble burst?
Invest in gold if you wish, but I urge you to keep an open mind and ask yourself what, exactly, is driving the demand. I can understand using gold as one aspect of your portfolio, but it might not be wise to put all your eggs in one basket.

Walter West popped open a fresh can of Pringles and plopped down into his chair in the oval office. It was nearly 10 o’clock in the morning, and the day had already presented him with a fresh batch of challenges. The reporters who had been so kind to him when he took office two short years ago had turned into barracudas, peppering him with difficult questions. Everyone seemed to want to gain instant fame for making the president fall flat on his face.

West’s proposed budget was dying a slow death in congress. He knew that the American people were in strong support of the budget, but business-as-usual in Washington was resulting in additional appropriations for pet projects. In its current form, the bill had more pork than a slaughterhouse. West sighed at the corruption that oozed out of every congressional orifice.

It was not the reporters nor the congressional weasels that had West at wit’s end this morning. It was, instead, a small issue of foreign policy. Today, he must choose to side with either France or Canada in a testy dispute.

“Charles,” he called out to a passing aide, “come help me with something.” His assistant quickly came over to his desk. When the president laid out the problem, young Charles was sitting on the fence.

“You could make a strong case either way, Mr. President. I really think this is a decision you’re going to have to grapple with on your own.”

“I feared as much. And Charles, you can call me Walter.”

“Yes, Mr. President,” replied the aide as he exited the office and raced off to slay another dragon for the administration.

At noon, the President enjoyed fried chicken with a group of war veterans. He posed his question to a quartet of vets. Two of them sided with France and two of them with Canada.

At two o’clock, West had a conference call with some of the movers and shakers on Capitol Hill. Pass the original version of the budget bill, he urged. They refused to capitulate to his request, insisting that their constituents demanded that they bring home the bacon to their home states. West hung up the phone and cursed the congressional nitwits silently.

In the late afternoon, West signed two bills into law. He smiled as he posed with supporters of the bills – but all the time was still wrestling with the issue of France and Canada. The end of the day had arrived, and the time for a decision was at hand.

West retired to the private residence. By the time Sam and Katie arrived home, the decision had been made.

“Daddy!” exclaimed his daughter. “French toast for supper. Yay!”

West smiled down at his crestfallen son. “Don’t worry, Sam. I’ll make the Canadian bacon pizza tomorrow.”

Did you collect baseball (or football, basketball, hockey, etc) cards when you were younger – or perhaps you still collect today?  Then you might be a candidate for an exciting new book that will published in 2011!

Hyrax Publications, LLC, the parent organization of The Soap Boxers, is actively seeking contributions for Cardboard Canvases: An Anecdotal History Of Sports Card Collecting in The Modern Era.  The book will be published in electronic format in 2011.  Depending on demand, there may be a subsequent printed edition.

The book will contain essays from 100 sports card collectors.  The writers will share their experiences in the card collecting hobby.  Cardboard Canvases should be an enjoyable read for anyone who has ever busted open a pack to see what stars lay inside.

What Can I Do To Help?

We already have firm commitments from around thirty writers, including some popular internet-based writers.  However, we still have plenty of spots open.  We’d love to include your story.

We anticipate that most essays will fall in the range of 500 to 2500 words.  However, this is not a hard-and-fast requirement.  If your story happens to fall outside this range, that’s fine.  Quality is much more important than quantity.

Some suggestions for topics in the essay include:

• How you got started collecting
• Why you quit collecting
• Your favorite cards

This is not intended to be an all-inclusive list.  You have freedom to pursue topics of your choice, as long as they are relevant to your experiences collecting sports cards.

It is anticipated that many of the writers will be male, 30-40 years old, and residing in the US.  If you don’t fit this demographic, we are particularly interested in your story – as it will add variety to the book.

You don’t have to write like Hemingway, nor do you have to boast a collection that contains a T-206 Wagner or a 52 Mantle.  Simply tell us your story.  Submissions will be edited for spelling, punctuation, and grammar.  However, we will make every effort to ensure that the essays still maintain the unique writing style of the writer.

I Have a Friend …

Maybe you’re not a collector, but have a friend who is?  Please make them aware of Cardboard Canvases – just click this link to share via email.

What’s In it For Me?

Every writer will be given a free copy of the PDF version, of course.  Honestly, this is a great deal.  You spend a small amount of time reliving your youth, and get the complete book as compensation for your time!

Additionally, there will be revenue sharing.  You will make money on every sale!  I’m not going to go into great detail in this post, but I’ll be glad to send you a copy of the submission agreement if you email me at kosmo@ObservingCasually.com

Can I Pre-order?

If you don’t plan to submit an essay, but are interested in purchasing a copy of the book when it becomes available, send me a note at kosmo@ObservingCasually.com and I’ll put you on the mailing list.  We will not take your money until the book is ready to ship.  Our goal is to get it out the door during the first half of the baseball season.

A few weeks ago, my writing was rejected.  I had submitted a manuscript to the Iowa Short Fiction Awards and was notified that I was not among the finalists (there were more than 400 entries).  Mountains, Meadows, and Chasms had been rejected.  The 63 stories, encompassing more than 70,000 words, had taken countless hours to write edit.  One of the stories (The Cell Window) by itself had taken nearly six weeks to write.  Sales of my eBooks at the Hyrax Publications store have been lackluster, but there was still the chance for critical acclaim, right?  Now, too, that hope was dashed.

This was actually a bit of a new experience for me.  In my years as a writer, I have generally had good luck when submitting stories and articles to publications and sites.  Almost without fail, I have managed to find a home for every piece of writing.  Now, someone was telling me that my writing wasn’t good enough.

How do I – and other writers – handle this rejection?

First, realize that much of the joy is in the journey itself, rather than the destination.  For many writers, the process is cathartic.  If there is value in the writing process itself, then you don’t necessarily need commercial or critical success in order to “win”.  It would be great if people like your work, but it’s just frosting on the cake.

Next, take a closer look at your goals.  Do you need to have your work praised by experts?  Do you strive to place your books at the top of the best seller lists?  Or perhaps you want to make a small difference, one life at a time.  Several months ago, I wrote a little story called Safe at Home.  Like many of my stories, it’s a sports story – but with a big sentimental tug at the end.  I shared it with a friend of mine.  This short little story that took only a few minutes to read jerked heavily at his heartstrings.  Mission accomplished.

Look also at your audience.  Perhaps you’re submitting things to publishers that simply “don’t get you”.  Very few people strike a chord with everyone.  Regardless of how good your writing is, you’re going to strike out occasionally.  Try a different publisher – or even sit on the work for a year or so.  A writing style that is unpopular today may be all the rage in the future.

Finally, think of your writing as your legacy.  Writing is something that can be passed down from generation to generation.  A hundred years from now, if my descendents wonder what sort of person I was, they’ll be able to read my stories to gain some insight.  Of course, they may come away from the experience thinking that I am a serial killer, what is most untrue.  (I devour Lucky Charms, but am generally pretty nice to cereal).

On that note, The Crunchy Conservative uncovered some journals that her grandfather wrote at the beginning of the 2oth century.  His words will jump onto the information superhighway this year.  Crunchy will be posting each day’s 1902 entry on the corresponding date in 2011.  Already this year there is information about a funeral and the unpleasant task of dehorning cattle.  Check it out at LeanderBolton.com

I’ve been feeling really under the weather lately, so there may not be a fiction story tomorrow.  If that’s the case, then this will be the last post of 2011.  (If you go into Soap Boxer withdrawal over the weekend, you can also delve into the archives.  Plenty to read there.)

We’re on the cusp on a new year.  Honestly, I’m not much of a New Year’s fan, as I see it as a pretty arbitrary start point for the new year – why not start it on the vernal equinox?  In any case, I have some goals for the year ahead.

Turn a profit.  Hyrax Publications (the parent organization for The Soap Boxers) has been somewhat unprofitable in 2009 and 2010.  With increasing traffic and new ventures such as SPARKS by Kosmo, I think 2011 will be a profitable year.  By 2012, I expect to see millions of dollars in revenue each year.  (Huh?  What do you mean by “rose colored glasses”?)

Double the traffic.  This sounds like an aggressive goal, but the number of page views in December 2010 is more than four times the traffic we saw in December 2009, and we’ve seen very strong growth the past few months.

See SPARKS ignite.  SPARKS by Kosmo booked a small bit of revenue in 2010, but there is plenty of room for growth.  We’ll be unveiling new pricing plans and features in January.

Continue to give back.  I received – and continue to receive – a lot of assistance from my good friend Lazy Man.  In an effort to pay it forward, I’ve helped other people get started with their own blogs, and will continue this is 2011.  If you have ever wondered if you should start your own blog, the answer is “yes”.

More articles from guest writers.  We’ve had a variety of guest articles in the past, on topics like a day in the life of an air traffic controller, the in-person experience of the 2010 Olympics, and a muslim’s view of Islam.  I’ll continue to seek out people who have interesting tales to tell.

Finish the new eBook.  Next week, I’ll announce a new project that will involved 100 authors.  I have already lined up quite a few writers, but need a lot more to turn the idea into reality.  I expect to spending much time searching for these writers in the first few months of the year, and hope to have the book ready for production by late spring or early summer.

Get traction on my novel.  I’ve had a lot of irons in the fire in 2010, and my novel ended up on the back burner.  I really want to set aside some time in 2011 to make strong progress on the novel.  I doubt I’ll be able to finish in 2011, but I’d like to have most of the heavy lifting done before year end.

What are your goals or resolutions for 2011?

When I was in elementary school, I was a good student in most subjects.  One particular subject always tripped me up – penmanship.  We were on the S/U (satisfactory / unsatisfactory) scale, and I received a grade of U- each term.  In hindsight, I wonder if my teacher comprehended the actual meaning of the word unsatisfactory …

My mom urged me to work on my penmanship, which was truly atrocious.  I commented that I’d just do everything on computers in the future, and that handwriting would be unimportant.

It turns out that I was actually correct.  My handwriting was never an impediment in my college years, and most of the people I have worked with over the past 13 years have no idea how lousy my handwriting is – because all of our communication has been verbal or via email.  My typed documents are just as neat as the next person’s – I’m not Pig Pen.  In the time before laptops, someone glanced at my meeting notes and asked if I could read my own writing when it was “cold”. 

When I am forced to take pen in hand, I almost always print – in order to achieve some level of legibility.  The only time I use cursive is to sign my name or write checks.  Until recently, I always took caution to sign credit cards as neatly as possible.  The I realized that this might cause a problem if a merchant decided that my normal signature didn’t match the one on my card.  Now I simply use my regular scribble when I sign a card.

Over the years, my signature has slowly lost its luster.  The six characters in my last name were once somewhat distinguishable.  This is no longer the case – you see the first letter and then a ragged line for the rest – and even the ragged line is losing definition and will eventually become a straight line.  My first name is a bit better, but not by much.  Perhaps the most defined letter in my entire signature is my middle initial.

It’s not all bad, of course.  If I ever wanted to pass myself off as a doctor, I’d have a fighting chance.  I always joke that I have the writing down, I just need the medical school.  Like many bad writers, I also have the ability to decipher the code of other bad writers.  When we come under attack from Canada, the ability to transmit messages via poor handwriting will be critical to the defense of the nation (assuming that we are able to first identify and eliminate Canadians with poor writing skills).

There’s actually a serious question hiding behind the facade of my jokes.  Have we reached a point where we can safely ignore penmanship – and cease further instruction on the subject?  The need for the skill is on the decline – will the need eventually die out completely?