The SoapBoxers

Over the years, I have come to the realization that a lot of people are not familiar with the process of balancing a checkbook.  This is a life skill that can save you a lot of headaches, so today we’ll step through the process.

When your bank statement arrives, you see that the bank balance of your account is $318.42, compared to the balance of $308.52 in your check register.

The following facts apply:

– For simplicity, we’ll assume that this is a brand new account

– The bank charged you $4.52 in service fees

– Per your check register, there are 3 checks during the month

• Check 1001 for $142.13 (groceries)
• Check 1002 for $16.12 (greeting cards)
• Check 1003 for $714.88 (whoa – went overboard at the outlet mall)

– You also withdrew $100 in cash from the ATM

– You had two deposits during the month

• $1413.12 from your day job
• $800.34 from your night job

The first thing you do is deduct the bank service fee.  You enter this in your check register, resulting in a balance of $303.88

Next, we check the bank statement to see which checks, deposits, and ATM transactions have cleared the bank.  These are checks 1001, 1002, and the deposit for $1413.12.  Mark these off in your check register – there is typically a column specifically for this purpose.

Next, add the outstanding deposit to your bank balance ($318.42 + $800.34 = $1118.76).  Hey, cool, you’re rich.

Whoa – not so fast.  Next, deduct the outstanding check (check 1003) and the outstanding ATM deposit.  $1118.72 – $714.88 – $100 = $303.88.  Great – that matches the balance in your check register – you’re done until next month.

What do you do if the numbers don’t match?

• Check your math.  In particular, it is quite easy to make a mistake in the check register
• Verify that the checks cleared for the amount you have recorded in your check register.  You may have written them down wrong, or your sloppy writing may have caused the bank to improperly process a check (not that this has ever happened to me)
• Make sure you you have excluded all cleared checks and deposits from the process, while also making sure that you have included all outstanding transactions.
• Did you forget to record a debit card transaction, automatic payment, or ATM transaction?  If so, record these in your check register and compare the new balance to the number your got during the reconciliation process (the process and adding and deducting outstanding transactions to the bank balance – $303.88 in our example).
• Make sure you recorded the bank service fee in your check register
• If you can’t figure it out, take a break and try later.  If you still can’t figure it out, ask a friend for help.

Next month, things change a bit.  When you start the reconciliation process, you will include the transactions that had not cleared this month (check 1003, the $100 ATM transaction, and the deposit of $800.34), as well as any new transactions.  Check off any cleared transactions in the check register, deduct the amount of the bank service fee from the check register, add outstanding deposits to the bank balance, substract outstanding checks from the bank balance and compare again.

 

Any questions?  I’ll be happy to go into more detail.

It was a dark and stormy night. This weather always made Casey think of Snoopy. How she envied that dog, with his vibrant imagination, always dreaming of aerial dogfights with The Red Baron or telling war stories with Bill Mauldin. When the bucket dropped down into the well of Snoopy’s creativity, it never came up dry.

The same could not be said for Casey. She looked down at the last two words she had typed – qwerty uiop. Hardly great fiction. She exhaled deeply, blowing tendrils of auburn hair away from her face. She abandoned the current story by closing the window. She opened a new window and began anew.

Twenty minutes later, she had managed just five sentences in the new story. The damned weather was distracting her. The flashes of lightning were constantly illuminating the sky, and the booms of thunder jolted her out of her seat every couple of minutes. It was completely impossible to concentrate. Casey needed a break. She decided to watch a bit of the idiot box before turning her attention back to her writing.

First, though, she needed something to quench her thirst. Casey crossed the room to the walk-in closet, pushed aside some dresses that she hadn’t worn in a decade, and removed a large, heavy box from the bottom shelf. Hidden behind the box – away from the prying eyes of friends who would be stunned by its presence – was a bottle of single malt scotch.

Casey grabbed one of the Styrofoam cups that sat next to the bottle. She poured a generous amount of scotch into the glass and chugged it quickly. She could immediately feel herself begin to relax. She replaced the box on the shelf.

Casey arranged a couple of pillows against the headboard of the bed and jumped up onto the pillow top mattress. She grabbed the remote and flipped the TV on. She was pleased to see that NCIS was on – and it was one that she hadn’t seen before.

Ducky was in the midst of explaining that the person had not died of natural causes, but was in fact the victim of a murder. This was not particularly surprising, since the show only focused on murders. Casey was interested in the real mystery – when were Dinozzo and Ziva going to get together? The suspense was killing her!

Finally, the NCIS team cracked the case and Gibbs got a confession from the bad guy. Casey noted that all good leisure must come to an end and got back to her writing.

Casey really needed to get her story done tonight. Her editor was a slave driver, and his deadlines were firm. If it wasn’t in his email inbox by midnight, it wouldn’t get into the next edition, and she wouldn’t get paid. Casey’s fridge was empty, her rent was due, and her bottle of scotch was dangerously low. She really needed a paycheck.

Since she hadn’t been productive in front of the computer, she decided to eschew her Macbook Air in favorite of pen and paper. She had a lot of flexibility – she could write anything, as long as it was fiction – but that was part of the problem. What sort of story should she write?

Casey grabbed her trusty Montblanc pen and a composition book. She decided to try her hand at a crime story. A half hour later, the story was dead. She had written just 250 words, and was completely uninterested in the plot.

Casey sighed, tore the page from the composition book, and wadded it up. She launched the paper ball across the room toward the waste basket. The long three point shot rimmed out – par for the course today.

She decided to switch directions one hundred eighty degrees and began work on a love story. Forty five minutes later, she realized that the main characters were only interested in each other as friends. Ugh.

Then the inspiration hit her. Of course – she would write a fictional account of a writer suffering from writer’s block.

I’ve been a sports fan nearly all my life.  Here are my favorite sports moments.  I’ve included an “embezzler’s dozen” – my 11 favorite moments.

1. Holliday Slides Into Playoffs – You seen the play a million times.  Matt Holliday slides toward home, Michael Barrett drops the ball.  The ump calls Holliday safe.  The one thing that you can definitely say is that Holliday was not out on the play – he was not tagged before being ruled safe.  Further, even if he had been called out, all would not have been lost.  The Rockies would have been tied 8-8 with two outs, Todd Helton on base, Brad Hawpe (.926 OPS that year) at the plate, and a very shaky Trevor Hoffman on the mound.  Then there’s the can of worms about Garrett Atkins’ “double” in the 7th inning.  If that is properly called a homer, the Rockies would have won the game 8-6 in 9 innings.

I was chatting online with Bob Inferapels during much of the game.  When the Padres scored twice in the top of the 13th to take an 8-6 lead (and ace closer Hoffman was on the way in from the pen) Bob offered his sympathy.  My response was (paraphrased) “Yeah, Hoffman’s good, so it will be hard to rally – but we do have the heart of the lineup coming up, so you never know.”  Indeed.

2. Kosmo Races Three Miles in One Day, Lives to Tell About It – During my final two years of high school, I was a member of the track team.  I ran the mile with a lot of heart, but not a great deal of skill.  At the final meet of my senior year, I asked my coach if I could also run the two mile.  We have a tiny track team, so he said “sure”.  Mind you, I had never trained for this distance.

How did I do?  Not very well – but I did finish the race, and I did beat one person.  Later in the meet, I ran the mile.  I was completely gassed from the two mile earlier in the meet, and ran one of the slowest miles in my career.  Nonetheless, it was a great feeling of accomplishment.  The kicker?  It was the only meet my parents were able to attend.

3. Helton’s Hat Trick – I have been to two Rockies games in my life.  The first was at Wrigley Field when I was living in Illinois.  The second was during a trip to Colorado with my girlfriend at the time (now my wife).  We had seats a half dozen rows back of third base.  Lovely seats (and pretty reasonably priced).

The game was on May 29, 2003.  The Rockies were playing their hated rivals, the LA Dodgers.

In the first inning, Todd Helton – my favorite Rockie at the time – hit a homer.  In the third inning, he picked up a single.  In the fourth, Helton homered again.  In the fifth, he made an out.  In the eight, he capped off the scoring with another homer.  Total damage for the day – 4 hits in 5 at bats, 3 homers, 4 runs scored, 4 runs batted in a 12-5 romp.  It was one of only two times in his career that Helton had three homers in a game.

4. Matsui’s Slam – Kaz Matsui hit 4 homers during the 2007 regular season.  So when he came to the plate in the 4th inning of game of game two of the 2007 NLDS with the bases loaded and the Rockies down 3-2, Kyle Lohse probably wasn’t particularly worried.  But Kaz Mat launched a grand slam that propelled the Rockies to a 10-5 win en route a sweep of the Phillies.

5. Blythe Beats Nebraska – My all-time favorite Iowa State football player is former wide receiver Todd Blythe.  On November 6, 2004, he lit up the Nebraska Cornhuskers for 188 yards on 8 catches – in the first half.  Unfortunately, he went into half time with an injury and was unable to pad his stats in the second half as the Cyclones held on fora 34-27 win.

6. Cyclones Beat Hawks, Cold – In 2001, I bought season tickets to Iowa State football (at a discount for recent alums) and sold off all but one ticket – holding on to the ticket to the September 15th game against in-state rival Iowa.  Then the September 11th attacks happened, and the game was delayed until November 24th.  It was cold.  The Cyclones took a 14-0 lead into half time and hung on for a 17-14 win.  This was the only time I’ve been in the crowd for a win against Iowa.  It was awesome.

7. Wallace Goes Long Distance for TD – In a 2002 game against Texas Tech, Cyclone quarterback Seneca Wallace scored on a 12 yard run.  Well, officially a 12 yard run.  Wallace actually ran about 120 yards on the play, traversing the field as he tried to find a clear route to pay dirt.  The win against Texas Tech pushed Iowa State’s record to 6-1 (the only loss being a controversial one to Florida State in the first game on the season).  Iowa State was in the top 10 (for the first time EVER) and  Wallace was routinely receiving this sort of praise.  The ‘Clones would unfortunately lose 6 of the final 7 games (not helped by games against four teams in the top 15 during that span, all on the road).  But it was a lot of fun while it lasted.

8. Sanderson Caps off a Perfect Career – Cael Sanderson put the entire sports of wrestling on the map during his unblemished college career.  In the 2002 finals, he beat Jon Trenge of Lehigh 12-4 to finish his career 159-0 with 4 national titles.  Trenge was no slouch – although he never won an NCAA title, he finished in the top three on three occasions.

Fittingly, as I listened to Cael’s final bout on the radio, I was pulling into Ames for a visit (see next item).

9. Kosmo on ESPN – In the late 90s and early 00s, I was a regular at women’s NCAA tournaments.  Ames (home to my alma mater, Iowa State) often hosted games.  Tickets were relatively cheap, the games were entertaining, and it was a good excuse to go back and visit Ames.  On March 25, 2002, I was in the stands to see Tennessee knock off Vanderbilt in the regional final.

During the game, some of the lower seats became vacant.  I was at the game with The Crunchy Conservative‘s brother, and we decided to sneak down into the good seats.  We scored some serious camera time on ESPN (cross “be featured on ESPN” off the bucket list), including this shot which makes it appear as if I am coaching Vanderbilt (in actuality, their coach is stooped over, out of sight of the camera).  That’s me between #21 and #13 and Crunchy’s brother in the white hat to my left.

10. Hawks Beat Michigan – For the first part of my life, I was actually a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes.  My wife jokingly (??) calls me a traitor for changing to Iowa State, even though I’ve been an Iowa State fan for more than 17 years now.

The defining football moment of my youth was on October 19, 1985.  As the rest of the family was going into the house to get ready for church, I was standing atop a five gallon bucket in the barn (the only place where I could hear the radio very well).  With two seconds remaining in the game, #2 Michigan held a 10-9 lead over #1 Iowa.  Iowa kicker Rob Houghtlin lined up for a 35 yard field goal – and drilled it!

Alas, the Hawkeyes would not finish the season undefeated, suffering a defeat to Ohio State in Columbus two weeks later (and then a dismantling by UCLA in the Rose Bowl).  If you’re wondering why I hate Ohio State, look no further.

11. Karlis Kicks Vikes to Victory – This one is a favorite just because it is so quirky.  On the surface, a 23-21 football game doesn’t seem out of the ordinary.  But this game, on November 5, 1989 between the Vikings and Rams (then still in LA) was not ordinary.  At the end of regulation, the score was 21-21.  The Rams had scored on a Jim Everett touchdown pass and two short runs by Greg Bell.

Rich Karlis had provided all of the fireworks for the Vikings.

Rich Karlis was the kicker.  He had belted a record-tying 7 field goals in the game (including 5 of fewer than 30 yards).

Think it couldn’t get any crazier?  The Vikings won the game when Mike Merriweather blocked a punt out of the end zone for a safety.  Merriweather obviously didn’t understand the rule about punts being blocked out of the end zone (I guess he thought it would be a touchback and go back to the Rams on the 20?) as he was visibly distraught after the play.

 

Those are my favorite sports moments – what are yours?

It doesn’t take much effort or courage to second guess a player’s contract.  However, every once in a while, a deal is so awful that nearly everyone correctly pans it immediately after it was signed.  Today, we’ll look at three awful deals.

Barry Zito

Zito was a former Cy Young award winner and a lefty to boot.  After the 2006 season, the San Francisco Giants signed the free agent pitcher to a seven year contract worth $126 million.  So, what’s wrong with that?

Well, since that Cy Young year in 2002 (23-5 with a 2.75 ERA), he had been pretty mediocre, going 55-46 with a 3.83 ERA.  His numbers, across the board, were slipping.  He was giving up more hits, more walks, more homers, and was striking out fewer batters (strikeouts aren’t a panacea, but it you stop striking out people without compensating in another area, it’s going to hurt you).

In essence, a pitcher who began his career with aspirations of the Hall of Fame (47-17, 3.04 ERA in his first three seasons) appeared to now be just average, or maybe slightly above.  Unfortunately, the Giants were paying him ace money.

What happened?  Despite moving to the allegedly weaker National League, Zito’s numbers got even worse.  He went 11-13 with 4.53 ERA in 2007 and slid further to 10-17, 5.15 in 2008.  He was an utter laughingstock.  Zito bounced back a bit in 2009, posting a 4.03 ERA (along with a 10-13 record) while putting up improved numbers in other areas.  Three years into the deal, the pundits have been proven correct.  Zito will have to put up dominant numbers for the rest of the years in the contract in order for the Giants’ money to be well spent.

Gary Matthews Jr.

In 2006, Gary Matthews put up by far the best season of his career, hitting .313 with 19 homers and 79 RBI.  He was selected to the All-Star game and finished 30^th in the MVP balloting.

His reward was a five year deal from the Anaheim Angels worth $50 million.  The baseball world was stunned.  Even with his 2006 season, Matthews had been a below average offensive player during the course of his career (posting a career OPS+ of 97, with 100 equating to an average player).

If Matthews had been a bit younger, the deal would have made more sense.  It could have been argued that Matthews was having a breakout year in 2006 – with more of the same on the horizon.  Matthews was 32 at the end of the 2006 season, though.  There’s a special term for “breakout” seasons that happen at that age.  Fluke.

After three lackluster seasons with the Angels which saw him as a part time player toward the end, Matthews was traded to the Mets with two years and $23.5 million remaining on his contract.  Also traded to the Mets in the deal was $21 million in cold, hard cash to offset Matthews’ contract.

Tom Glavine

Tom Glavine is, without argument, a future Hall of Fame pitcher and one of the best left handed pitchers of this era.  What’s he doing on this list?

After the 2007 season, Glavine was signed to a one year, $8 million deal by the Atlanta Braves, for whom he pitched during most of his career.  Although several of Glavine’s secondary statistics seemed to indicate that he was in decline (common for a pitcher of his age), the $8 million salary was not the problem.

The problem was that Glavine was a type A free agent.  The team losing Glavine would get the Braves’ 2008 first round draft pick (#18 overall) and well as a sandwich pick between the first and second round (which would end up being the #33 overall pick).  That meant that the team losing Glavine would get two potential building blocks for the future.

That all sounds pretty bad, huh?  Well, to make it even worse, the team losing Glavine (and gaining those picks) was the Braves’ bitter division rival, the New York Mets.  As someone who is quite familiar with the free agency compensation system, I very nearly spit Pepsi onto my monitor when I saw the Braves inflict this sort of damage upon themselves.

So, what happened?

Minor league expert John Sickels has the player picked at #18 (Ike Davis) as the #4 prospect in the Mets system and the player picked at #33 (Bradley Holt) as the 9th best Mets prospects in his 2010 Mets Prospects list.

As for Glavine?  Well, there really wasn’t much chance of significant upside for the Braves.  A 42 year old pitcher is always working on borrowed time.  But even I expected more than a 2-4 record and 5.54 ERA in 13 starts during his final stint with the Braves.

So, what were the Braves thinking?  It seems that they were blinded by sentimentality.  Glavine was a huge part of their success in the 90s, and it felt good to bring him back.  A front office with as much experience as the Braves should have made this decision with their head instead of their heart.

What’s ahead in the year ahead?  Kosmo takes his best guess.

Sports

• The Big 10 finally expands to 12 teams, allowing it to have a conference title game.  The new school, Sarah Lawrence College, is the trendy pick to claim the conference’s automatic BCS bid.
• The Cubs will fail to win the World Series.
• Notre Dame will fail to win the BCS National Championship.
• USC will be penalized by the NCAA because of athletes receiving improper benefits.
• The St. Louis Rams will double their win total from 2009.
• Brett Favre retires.  And then unretires.  And then retires again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.
• John Madden will blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and if you can score more points than the other team, you have a good chance of winning the game.
• Jimmie Johnson’s run at a fifth consecutive NASCAR title comes to an abrupt end when pranksters release a “little bit” of air from his tires before the season ending race at Homestead.  Jeff Burton denies all responsibility.
• Joe Buck will be fired for incompetence when he repeatedly refers to Matt Holliday as “Pat Hentgen”.

Business

• The tobacco industry fights for approval to have their warning label changed.  The new label reads: “Cigarette smoking is hazardous to your health – but not nearly as bad for you as drop-rail cribs.”
• People finally stop buying stock in the old GM when Smokey Bear echoes the words of the US Government and the SEC by proclaiming that the stock will be completely worthless.
• AIG pays back all the money they owe the government.
• Google buys Twitter, Microsoft, Disney, Apple, Wikipedia, Dole, Berkshire Hathaway – and in a move that stuns everyone, attempts to buy itself via a hostile takeover.  The hostile takeover is foiled by renegade executives who launch a denial of service attack against the buyers.
• The postal services will raise postal rates.

News & Politics

• In November, California voters pass a ballot initiative that legalizes gay marriage.
• On the same November ballot, California voters pass a ballot initiative that reaffirms the current ban on gay marriage.
• In mid-December, California slides into the Pacific Ocean.
• A celebrity will die at a very young age.  The world will be shocked.
• Sarah Palin mobilizes a run for president.  Palin/Palin 2010 gains immediate support from the conservative base.  When Palin is informed that there is not a presidential election is 2010, she replies “I can see death panels from my front porch!”

Art, Entertainment, & Literature

• Danielle Steele releases eight new books.
• The art world is excited about a mysterious new piece of art.  Many art experts are unemployed eight days later when the “organic brown pigment on white paper” is discovered to be a coffee stain left on a napkin by a visitor.
• Michael Jackson’s estate earns eleventy trillion dollars from album sales, movie royalties, t-shirts, coasters, and revenue from the Neverland Hotel and Casino.
• On March 18, the Mickey Mouse gang is stunned to discover that the Mystery Mousketool will not fix the problem.  Much sadness.
• Conan O’Brien, blackballed by the major networks, lands a deal with PBS.  O’Brien hosts a children’s show that focuses on literacy.  The show, Conan the Librarian, is a complete flop.

Although the idea for this story was quite obviously ripped from the headlines, this story is intended to be politically neutral.  You will notice that no party affiliations are mentioned, nor is the subject matter of the bill detailed.

One of the preeminent power brokers in Washington was chewing on a number two pencil with the severity of a hungry beaver, carving deep incisions into the wood.  Jeffrey Warner had a serious problem.  Even worse, it was a problem without an easy answer.

Warner knew that he had the support of fifty nine senators to vote for cloture and end the filibuster on the bill.  Not fifty eight, not sixty.  Precisely fifty nine.  Unless Warner could pick up another vote, the most important bill of a generation was going to die on the floor.

Warner snapped the weakened pencil in half and launched the pieces at the waste basket twenty feet away.  The stress of the situation was making him tired, exacerbating the lethargy that routinely took hold of his aging body at the end of a nineteen hour work day.  It was only eleven at night, but Senate majority leader Jeffrey Warner needed a nap.

When Warner awoke from his respite thirty four minutes later, the solution to his problem was fully formed.  He called a page and instructed him to track down Senator Byron Cooper.  A short while later, the long term senator stood before him.

“Byron,” began the leader, “I’d like your support on Senate Bill 1975.”

Cooper laughed in response.  “You know I can’t support that bill.  It goes against all my principles.”

“I could give you a hundred million dollars.”

“While my state could use those funds, it would be political suicide,” responded Cooper.

“We could have you killed, “ continued Warner, oblivious to the interruption.

Cooper jumped out of his chair in anger.  “We’ve had disagreements before, Warner, but threats of violence is a bridge too far!”

“Violence,” echoed Warner.  “I’m not talking about violence.  Sit down and let’s discuss this like gentlemen.”

A thoroughly confused and somewhat wary Byron Cooper returned to his seat.  He listened as Jeffrey Warner laid out a brilliant plan.

Byron Cooper was in a tough spot.  He was in a loveless marriage and had turned to booze and gambling to bring pleasure into his life.  Not surprisingly, he owed a fortune to gamblers.  The only thing that prevented him from having his legs broken by goons was the power that he held as a US Senator.  He wasn’t particularly fond of the job, but fought to hang on as if his life depended on it – because it probably did.

“This is your golden parachute, Byron,”  said Warner, as they parted ways an hour later.

Three days later, the Washington Post had a front page story about the car bombing that claimed the life of Senator Byron Cooper.  He was eulogized by his powerful friends in the Washington elite.  Days later, his mourning widow burst into tears as his casket was lowered into the ground at Arlington National Cemetery.

When it came time for the governor to appoint someone to fill Byron Cooper’s spot in the senate, he chose a man who was very nearly the ideological opposite of Cooper.  This stirred up controversy, but the governor didn’t give a damn.  The new Senator mirrored his own beliefs, and that’s all that really mattered.

Six days later, the Senate voted for cloture.  Sixty senators – including the newly minted replacement senator – voted for cloture, and the filibuster was broken.  The bill passed the up-or-down vote with the exact same number of votes.  The president signed the bill into law on a cold day in late March.

The morning that the President signed the bill, Jeffrey Warner poured himself a generous amount of cognac from a bottle with a yellowed label.  Thirty four years after being elected to the Senate, Warner had finally seen the passage of his life’s work.

At the same time, an ocean away, another man was also enjoying a drink.  It was six hours later in the city of Nice, France.  The man formerly known as Byron Cooper had finished swimming a few laps in his heated indoor pool.  Cooper relaxed in the comfort of his sun room, basking in the warmth of an unseasonably warm day.  He stroked the beard on his surgically reconstructed chin and decided that he needed a drink.  He rang a small bell, and his butler raced into the room, carrying another piña colada.

In this edition of The Soap Boxers, I will attempt to identify the greatest inventions in the history of mankind.  I’m going to skip around a bit, and will probably miss a few, but without further ado, let’s jump in!

The Caveman Trio – Fire, Wheel, and Meat.  I’m pretty cold blooded, so I’m glad that someone eventually realized that fire could be harnessed for warmth.  I can imagine how happy those first cave people would have been, basking in the warmth of the very first fire.  The wheel – the foundation of transportation – gets plenty of attention as well.  The last leg of the Caveman Trio – meat – gets the short end of the stick.  We owe a lot to the man who decided that it would be a good idea to kill an animal and eat its flesh, just for kicks.

Indoor plumbing – Can you imagine going outside to an outhouse when the temperature dips below zero?  Not my idea of a fun time, either.  Shower and sinks are pretty cool, too.

Perfumes, deodorants, anti-perspirants, and other stuff that makes people smell less awful.  Admit it – left to our own devices, we kind of reek after a while.  Products that allow us to minimize body odor get an A+ in my book.

The internal combustion engine – Prior to the Model T, people rarely traveled more than 25 miles from home – and when they did travel that far, it was quite the ordeal.  I commute further than this to work every day, one way.  Henry Ford’s Model T could not have been possible with Gottlieb Daimler’s internal combustion engine.

The assembly line – This time, we’ll give full credit to Henry Ford.  Ford’s idea of keeping workers stationary and moving the work to the workers allowed for considerably more efficient production.  Furthermore, it served as a catalyst for analyzing other workflows.

The printing press – Thank you, Herr Gutenberg!  The printing press allowed the sharing of knowledge to the masses.  No longer was the distribution of written works limited to handwritten manuscripts or the older woodblock printing.  I am a certified bibliophile – but without Gutenberg’s press, I wouldn’t have the ability to own hundreds of books.

The telephone – postal mail was great, and telegraphs were a step forward, but the ability to actively converse with another person over a phone line was revolutionary.  Now, if we can just get rid of the anachronistic use of the word “dial”.

Humor – A few simply jokes can serve as a pick-me-up to carry someone through the rest of the day.  Kudos to the person who first pushed their intellectual skills into the field of humor.

Electricity – From the simplest light bulb to complex medical equipment, electricity makes it happen.  Spend a few days without electricity during a blackout and you’ll realize exactly how important it is.

Baseball – You knew that I couldn’t leave this one out, right?  For more than one hundred thirty years, Americans have enjoyed the pleasure of watching professional baseball.

OK – that’s my list.  Is it complete?  Certainly not.  Throw out your list!

Recently, the Catholic Church voiced its criticism of the blockbuster movie Avatar, claiming that the movie encourages the worship of nature and is at odds with Christian theology.

Several years ago, the Church voiced its opposition to Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code.  The criticism had the effect of making the book even more popular, as many people read it in an effort to determine what, exactly, was so offensive.  As a practicing Catholic, I was intrigued.  It’s possible that I may have read the book anyway, since it’s my type of story, but the Church’s criticism ensured that I would read it.

What was my opinion of the controversy?  Much ado about nothing.  I thought that the book told a good story, but it was just that – a story.  While Brown portrays aspects of his books as realistic, they are nonetheless shelved in the fiction section.

When it comes to Avatar, I find it hard to believe that any intelligent person would see the movie as anything but fiction with some nice eye candy.

I am puzzled at seeing the Church portray works of fiction as being such a threat to Catholicism.  Fiction, by definition, is something that is made up.  Attempting to commence a serious debate about a work of fiction conjures up the mental image of Don Quixote tilting at windmills.

Another puzzling aspect is the choice of works to criticize.  The Da Vinci Code did portray certain aspects of the Church in a negative light, but it’s hardly the most negative portrayal of Catholics in popular fiction.  One of my favorite authors, the late William X. Kienzle, often portrayed seriously flawed Catholic clergy in his books – and Kienzle was a former priest himself.

If you take a look around the book store or movie theater, there are lot of books and movies that would be more appropriate targets of criticism.  It would make more sense to criticize movies that glorify senseless slaughter (and thus marginalize the value of human lives).

Honestly, if the Church wants a fair fight, they should limit their criticism to non-fiction books.  I have no doubt that they are many non-fiction books that are in disagreement with Catholicism.  Their authors may be happy to engage the Church in meaningful discussions of the differences.

It would seem that the Church is choosing targets based on the popularity of the work.  This seems slightly absurd.  When engaging in criticism, why not lash out at those that are most deserving of the criticism, rather than shooting at the targets that ensure that the criticism will spill the most ink on newspaper pages?  In the words of Martin Sheen’s character in The American President, “You Fight the Fights that Need Fighting.”

In closing, I respectfully ask the Catholic Church to avoid commenting on fiction in the future.  Fiction works are not intended to be accurate portrayals of the facts, but are intended as pure entertainment.  When I have questions about theology, I’ll consult the Catholic Church.  When I have questions about works of fiction, I’ll consult secular sources.

Matt Holliday

Matt Holliday recently finalized his contract with the St. Louis Cardinals.  This definitely solidifies Holliday in the #2 spot on my baseball preference rankings.  I was extremely pleased to see Holliday stay with the Cardinals rather than ending up in Boston or New York (especially New York).

If Holliday puts up strong numbers with the Cardinals, it should tear down a bit of the stigma Coors Field.  While Holliday always put up strong very strong home numbers compared to his road numbers, his home/road splits were not in line with other Rockies hitters – they were much more dramatic.  This would indicate that some other factor was coming into play.  My personal thought is that he simply was more comfortable at home than on the road.  While hitters typically produce an OPS 31 points higher at home that on the road, this varies greatly.  Some hitters thrive at home while others wilt under the pressure of playing in front of the home crowd.  Holliday is a home thriver – as evidenced by his 2009 home/road split of .982/.830.  That’s a monstrous split – and clearly had nothing to do with Coors Field.

Holliday’s contract has an eighth year (at $17 million) that would vest if he finishes in the top 10 in National League MVP voting in 2016 (if it doesn’t vest, it becomes a team option).  While vesting options aren’t unprecedented, they usually vest based on some statistic such as plate appearances (hitters) or innings pitched (pitchers).  In this case, Holliday’s option is in the hands of the Baseball Writers of America, who vote on the awards.  He could have a great year in 2016 and still not crack the top 10.  On the flip side, this is a great deal far the Cardinals.  It’s hard to imagine a situation where Holliday would finish in the top 10 and not be worthy of the $17 million option.

Kurt Warner

The Arizona Cardinals were bounced out of the playoff by the top NFC seed, the New Orleans Saints, on Saturday.  Warner suffered a hard hit while trying to track down a defender who intercepted one of his passes and finished with lackluster numbers (17-26, 205, 0 TD, 1 INT).

After the game, the discussion about a potential retirement began again.  If the Saints game ends up the career finale for Warner, it would be a shame.  The prior week’s game against the Green Bay Packers would have been a more fitting end to a Hall of Fame career.  In that game, Warner completed 29 of 33 passes for 379 yards and 5 TDs without being intercepted.  That performance corresponded to a rating of 154.1.  The NFL’s convoluted rating formula (which takes into account completion percentages, yards per attempt, touchdown percentage and interception percentage) tops out at 158.33, making that performance nearly perfect.

I’m a big fan of Warner’s.  Most fans know his story.  He started for only one season at division 1-AA Northern Iowa, wasn’t drafted by and NFL team, and ended up stocking shelves in a grocery store at one point (for a grand wage of $5.50 per hour).  After lighting up the Arena League and NFL Europe, before getting a chance to be a backup quarterback for the St. Louis Rams.  When started Trent Green went down to an injury during the 1999 pre-season, Warner stepped up and led the Rams to a spectacular season, capped off with a Super Bowl victory.  Two years later, the Rams lost a heartbreaker in another Super Bowl.  Injuries eventually forced Warner out of St. Louis.  He landed with the New York Giants as the tutor for Eli Manning.  He then signed with the hapless Arizona Cardinals – before leading them also to a Super Bowl (alas, another heartbreaking defeat).  Now, at age 38, he seems to be a lock for the Hall of Fame.

Off the field, Warner is a devout Christian and is heavily involved in many charities.

I have a few more reasons to like Kurt Warner.  First of all, I have met the man, and he definitely appears to be the genuine article.  My wife is a Rams fan, and we attended a few training camps.  Warner would sit at a table for hours signing autographs and posing for pictures.  Very cool.

Second, Warner is a native Iowan, and we stick together.  He’s on my Mt. Rushmore.

Finally, Warner led me to a title in the first fantasy football league title in 1999.  In the first game of that season, one of my quarterbacks got hurt.  On a lark, I picked up Warner.  I grew up about 50 miles from the campus of Northern Iowa, so I was familiar with him.  When Warner exploded into a flurry of mind-blowing statistics, I went along for the ride.

Our entertainment column has been on hiatus for a while, so I thought I’d share some of my favorite things to read and watch lately.  I’ve actually been watching more TV than I have in a long time – because I’ll watch in the wee hours of the morning when feeding the baby.

Monk – This was a show that my wife and I always watched religiously, until Ugly Betty popped in the same time slot for a while.  Unfortunately, the show has come to a conclusion.   I was pleased with the way it wrapped up, though.  I do have a couple of seasons on DVD that I can watch when I start going into withdrawal.

NCIS – Since I’m an aspiring crime novelist, it shouldn’t be a big surprise that crime dramas top my list of shows to watch.  I’ve eschewed CSI.  Despite the strong basis in forensics, it just doesn’t seem particularly believable and seems a bit contrived from the small bits I’ve watched.  NCIS mixes forensics with other investigative techniques, all within a military setting.  I really like Mark Harmon as an actor, and the supporting cast is good as well.  NCIS is a favorite show for me to watch on my wireless headphones while I’m shoveling snow.  The fact that it’s an hour long means that I can make decent headway shoveling during the course of a show.

M*A*S*H – When I was a kid, M*A*S*H and Wheel of Fortune competed in the same time slot.  My mom liked Wheel (and actually won something in a call-in contest through the local TV station once) and Dad liked M*A*S*H.  Personally, I thought both shows were pretty stupid.  Years later, I’m still not a fan of Wheel of Fortune, but I love M*A*S*H. I really need to snap up the DVD collection at some point. (All 11 Seasons (Amazon), All 11 seasons + Movie + Bonus Material (Amazon))

I’m also doing some reading, of course.  Yesterday, my fresh new copy of Ron Shandler’s Baseball Forecaster for 2010
arrived on my doorstep.  This book is one of my tools for fighting the winter blahs.  Shandler analyzes secondary statistics in order to determine if a player’s basic statistical inputs accurately reflect his skill set, or are based largely on luck.  It’s a handy tool to have before your fantasy draft – did a player that you like actually have a breakout year in 2009 (and thus great things on the horizon) or was he lucky?

And, of course, I’m reading short stories by the master, Lawrence Block.  I’m currently reading One Night Stands and Lost Weekends, a collection of some of Block’s very early work.  The stories are great, but be sure to read the introduction as well – it’s as interesting as any of the fiction stories in the book.

I’m also reading a few blogs, of course.  I highly recommend all of the blogs that you see in the right column.  Today, I’ll give special attention to Living with Balls.  The author writes about sports and other manly pursuits (such as relationships and farting), with an unabashedly male point of view.  Haute couture it is not, funny it often is.  Be forewarned – if you don’t like it, you’ll probably hate it.  I can’t imagine that there is much middle ground.