The SoapBoxers

There is a place dedicated to saving and sharing heirloom seeds for gardeners all over the world. Heirloom seeds are handed down from generation to generation on small farms for unique types of flowers, vegetables and berries. They are different from the mass produced seeds that you can pick up at any garden center or super store like Walmart, Kmart, Home Depot, or Lowes. Heirloom seeds are not hybrids, the seeds of the plant can be harvested to be used again next year.

There is nothing wrong with hybrid seeds. Hybrids have made food available in a greater abundance than the world has ever seen. Heirloom seeds allow the gardener to be freed from the need to return each year to the box store. In addition, the maintenance of these seeds and plant provide the basis for all hybrid development. If there were to be a disastrous year for the seed industry, having this repository of the basic plants will be invaluable in restarting and creating food and flowers.

The place is called the Seed Savers Exchange. They have a farm located outside of Decorah, Iowa. As the name suggests, they continuously look for sources of heirloom seeds, and exchange with those gardeners to broaden the inventory that they keep in protected storage to preserve garden biodiversity. They exist through several avenues of funding, including memberships, donations and direct sale of the seeds. There are reportedly only two organizations currently perusing the protection of our crop heritage, the Seed Savers exchange and a similar organization in Norway.

The farm is open to visitors and has several active gardens to tour and walking trails, along with a store where seeds, books and experiences can be exchanged. Walking those gardens is especially pleasant during the late summer, when the season starts to cool in far northern Iowa. There are numerous herbs, flowers and vegetables. Although they host activities all year, the beginning of September brings the Tomato Testing event. The gardens add a twist as the plants are not grown to harvest the fruit, but to harvest the seed. The onions are huge, but the seeds are what are prized. The squash, zucchini, cucumbers, bean and peas are over ripe, but perfect.

The whole idea is to preserve. Pursuant to this mission, the people at the exchange teach. They have pamphlets and books to teach anyone how to grow their own garden anywhere. The customers exchange stories; what works, what does not, what has been tried, and what would be interesting to try. This effort has apparently gotten some well deserved attention. The President of the United States, Mr. Barak Obama, is planning a visit to the farm. The people of Decorah are excited about his visit, as are the people who work and the farm. It is worth the effort to visit, if not in person, like the President, then on line, where much of what is available at the farm can be viewed and purchased.

 

As usual, I’m juggling a lot of balls at the moment. That tends to be par for the course these days.

Amazon Associates

One of the more interesting – and profitable – ventures stemmed from Amazon’s recent decision to sever ties with California residents who were members of the Amazon Associates affiliate program. A lot of people took a financial hit when this happened. Previously, they were making commissions when they referred sales to Amazon. This revenue dropped to zero. This has happened in several other states, but I personally knew some people who were affected in California.

My simple solution to this problem is to have a middleman from a non-affected state step into the middle. Let’s call this person “Kosmo”. Kosmo provides new tracking IDs to the affected people that are tied to his account and then replace the old ids with the new ones (this only takes a few minutes for an entire site). Amazon then pays Kosmo, who then takes a cut and passed on the lion’s share of the money to the site owner. This creates two separate relationships. Amazon no longer has a direct relationship with the site owner.

Interested in knowing more details? Email me at kosmo@ObservingCasually.com

The Cell Window – Kindle version

I’m very happy to announce the release of The Cell Window for Kindle.  This is one of my all-time favorite stories, and probably the one that took the most work – requiring six weeks to complete the 10,000 word tale.  This is the story of Duncan, a tech-savvy voyeur who invades the lives of his employer’s customers.  I distributed free copies of this story to a lot of my friends, and it tended to evoke a reaction from everyone.  My friend Jaylene commented that if I weren’t married, she’d be a bit freaked out to be around me.  (I guess all the weirdos are single people?).  You really SHOULD find the story a bit disturbing.

You can buy the story on Amazon for 99 cents or you can be a big spender on pony up $3.79 for my short story collection Mountains, Meadows, and Chasms, which also contains the story (along with 73 other stories).

If you buy either book, please leave a review when you are finished.  All I ask is that you be honest with your feedback.

Other writing

I’ve been renting myself out in recent weeks in an effort to keep the lights on at Hyrax Publications.  You’ll be able to see articles on financial and insurance topics over at The Digerati Life.  At this point, I’m not looking for any additional work in that arena, but I am entertaining any offers to do some freelance short fiction.

I’m also making an effort to kick-start my novel, which has been laid aside a bit to make time to chase after young kids.  (I should clarify that.  I’m referring to my own kids.)

The book will be a nice little serial killer novel.  I’m starting basically from scratching, putting aside about 8000 words that I had written previously.  I’ve circulated the newly written prologue to a few trusted friends, and it has received very positive reviews.  Now I just need to write the rest of the book …  I’d love to finish by some time in 2012.  It’s going to be a ton of work (and require a fair amount of research), but it should be a lot of fun).

There’s much debate in Washington – and much discussion around the nation – about whether or not to raise the nation’s debt ceiling. Realistically, everyone knows that the debt ceiling must be raised. In recent history, neither party has had a track record of balancing the budget. There’s chatter about cutting spending, but when the rubber hits the road, members of both parties have their own pet projects.

Wondering how to make some money in the financial markets?  Figure out where the money will go after the gold bubble bursts.  When people realize that the speculators have turned gold into a de facto currency – while at the same time criticizing de jure (fiat) currency – they may realized that investing in shiny rocks might not be the best idea in the world.  When the crash comes, investors will be scrambling for a safe place to put their money.  If you can figure out where they will put their money, you might be able to ride a bit of a surge when demand outstrips supply in that market (at which point, you should consider selling).

The NFL owners ratified a new labor deal with the union. It could be a while before the players ratify the same deal. More often than not, I side with players in sports labor issues – but not this time. I really feel that many of the tactics of the players – most notably their sham decertification of union (a union which continues to bargain on their behalf) – amount to bargaining in bad faith. I’d actually be interesting in having the courts weigh in on the issues. If a deal isn’t done soon, we’re looking at the possibility of some lost games (pre-season, at least) and a compressed off-season. The proposed shortened free agency period seems like a very bad deal for the players – giving them little time to shop around for a deal. Personally, I’ve been staying away from the NFL for the last two years after my team signed Brett Favre – and I’m really close to walking away from the NFL permanently. There’s plenty of baseball year-round to keep my occupied.

The Colorado Rockies have been listening to trade offers for ace Ubaldo Jimenez.  In talks with the Yankees, they were reportedly looking for a deal in which Yankees catching prospect Jesus Montero – an elite hitting prospect – did not make up the bulk of the value in the deal.  Although Jimenez’s number are not close to his 15-1 start at the beginning of last year, he’s not doing as poorly as you might thing.  After a horrible start to the year (0-5, 5.86 ERA though the end of May), Jimenez is 6-3 with a 2.58 ERA since June 1.  A big key to his success has been a dramatic reduction in number of walks.  Jimenez has also been downright dominant this year on the road – a 2.28 ERA and a stunningly low .158 batting average allowed.  I’d prefer to keep Jimenez, but I trust GM Dan O’Dowd.  After all, he did very well in the Matt Holliday trade, obtaining Carlos Gonzalez and Huston Street in the deal.

I’ve been reading an old book by a favorite author lately. The Kindle edition of Lawrence Block’s Killing Castro is available for $2.99.  Not only in the story set in 1961, it was published in 1961 under a pen name.  I’m about 75% of the way through the book, and am thoroughly enjoyed it.  How often can you read a 50 year old book by an author who is still producing new books?

Speaking of Amazon … if you like The Soap Boxers, consider using the big Amazon ad at the top of the right side of the screen as your entry point into Amazon.  This will give us a small commission when you buy things, and there is no additional cost to you.  Consider this to be payment for the many articles on this site 🙂

I recent bought a Kindle.  As some of you know, I’ve long been a proponent of printed books and have resisted to urge to jump to e-readers.  Why the change of heart?

• The battery life issue is not as much of a concern as I would have thought.  I was under the false impression that battery life would be measured in hours or maybe a day or two.  In actuality, battery life is measured in weeks.
• Although I feel that a lot of the eBooks are priced too high in comparison to the corresponding printed version, there’s one genre where this isn’t true: public domain works.  You can download the works of Shakespeare, Milton, Verne and countless others for free!
• It’s not just an e-reader.  Until recently, I wasn’t aware of the fact that the Kindles have a built-in web browser.  I’m told that this is clunky but functional.  That’s fine for me.  I don’t own a smart phone, so it will be nice to have a book that doubles as a web browser when I’m, stuck in a waiting room for hours.  If you have a 3G version, you get free access to the internet when you’re traveling.  Amazon does reserve the right to charge for “excessive use”, which does make some sense – I’m sure they’re paying a pretty penny to have this service provided to Kindle users.  On the other hand, it makes it easier for people to buy more books.
• Not only can you borrow Kindle books from your friends, you’ll soon be able to check them out from the library, too.  In the near future, Amazon will be working with Overdrive to deploy this functionality.  The Nook (a Kindle competitor) currently allows checkouts from libraries.

I’ve been slowly coming around to the idea of buying a Kindle for the last few months.  I told myself that I’d wait until I’d earned enough money from my web endeavors to pay for one – at the time, this would have taken quite a while.

Recently, however, this changes.  I lined up a freelance gig that will bring in a bit of money.  At that point, I started looking around at Kindles.

Shortly thereafter, a friend mentioned that he had a Kindle that he was looking to sell.  It was a Kindle 2 (the current model is a 3), but had built in 3G (only available in the pricier versions of the Kindle 3.  We struck a deal, and the K2 should be arriving before long.

I make no secret of the fact that I’m a big fan of crime writer Lawrence Block.  I’ve profiled him in one article and placed him atop my baker’s dozen list of favorite authors.  He has written novels, short stories, and even writes a monthly column in a philately magazine.  Additionally, he has written books for other authors – books that have been instrumental in my own writing.

Just as importantly, he is FUN.  His web site is a departure from the sterile sites you see elsewhere.  If you look carefully, you can see that he is actually selling books on the site (autographed), but the sales seem to take a back seat to the newsletter and other general chatter.  Really, you get the feeling that you are “in the know”.  Even the bookselling sounds like a quaint operation involving one guy shoving each book into a box and hand-printing the address.

Block is 73 years old, and is showing no signs of slowing down.  He recently released a new Matthew Scudder novel, A Drop of The Hard Stuff.  September will see the release of Getting Off: A Novel of Sex & Violence (I have no idea what that might be about) with Block writing under the pseudonym Jill Emerson.

I don’t have the details of Block’s financial status (that would be a bit stalker-ish), but with millions of sales under his belt, I suspect that he doesn’t need to postpone grocery shopping until his Social Security check arrives.  He’s past the customary retirement age, and it would be perfectly understandable if he decided to ride off into the sunset and simply quit writing.  But he hasn’t – he continues to write (although it’s been a damn long time since the last Bernie novel).

Several months ago, I found the septuagenarian on Facebook.  Unlike some authors, who only say something when they’re trying to sell you their new book (or get you to see the movie based on their book), Block interacts with his fans – from the “Rabbit, rabbit” for good luck on the first of every month to the daily affirmations for writers.  In between, he shares interesting insights, stories, and photos (he’s also a world traveler).  He actually – GASP – responds when people comment on his status.  He interacts with his Facebook friends as if they are, well … his friends.  Yes, he does occasionally link to items for sale – but in his typically self-deprecating manner.

He is also a man who embraces technology.  Recently, he has been bombing the landscape with Kindle versions of his short stories.  Brilliant, really, because who can argue that 99 cents is too high a price?  With the relatively low amount of work that goes into preparing an electronic edition, it’s easy to cost-justify the time spent – and it allows fan to get their grubby little paws (er, Kindles) on stories that haven’t been published in many years.

When block turned 73 back on on June 24, he celebrated bu jumping onto Twitter.  More recently, he launched his own blog (smartly opting for WordPress, the same software that powers The Soap Boxers).  What’s next – FourSquare 🙂

All in all, it seems like Lawrence Block is having a great time playing with all the new technology and having a grand time chatting with all his fans.  You want to know a great way to build loyalty in your fan base?  Interact with them as if there were peers – exactly what Block does.

I happen to have a signed copy of a Lawrence Block book.  No, I haven’t been lucky enough to meet him at a signing, nor did I buy one from his site.  While at a chain retail store that sells new and used books, I saw a copy of One Night Stands and Lost Weekends on the bargain shelf for $2.  I already had a copy, but was with a friend of mine who had never read any of Block’s work.  I grabbed the book and intended to present it as a gift.  On the way back to the office, I was flipping to the table of contents (don’t worry – I was a passenger) to tell my friend how many stories were included in my collection.  Imagine my surprise when I found myself in possession of an autographed copy.

I kept the autographed book and bought my friend a nice copy of Enough Rope – which is a far longer collection, anyway.  I’d call that a win-win situation.

I don’t usually do personal dedications in my articles.  However, this article is dedicated to the woman who declared that she was too educated to be kicked off a train after the conductor asked her to keep her noise level down.

What, exactly, does is mean to be “educated”?

It’s not a piece of paper – I have two Bachelor of Science degrees (earned simultaneously).  I’m proud of this achievement.  However, my university education served as the foundation for my overall education – it is not stand-alone proof that I am educated.  A commencement is a beginning, not an end – and a foundation is not a completed structure.  Having a degree doesn’t even prove that you have specific knowledge – only that you possessed that knowledge at one time.  People do tend to forget things over the years.  If you’re 50 years old, do you really want to point to your college degree – evidence only of a burst of academic success thirty years ago – as proof that you are “educated”?

It’s a commitment to continued learning – I have learned far more in the fourteen years that have passed since my college graduation than I did in the four years I spent on campus.  Not only have I needed to keep pace with my industry and my role (which is not related to my degrees), but I have also worked to enhance my knowledge in several areas of interest.  These areas include baseball, forensic science, paleontology, and law.  In a combination of two of the interests, I have become very well versed in Major League Baseball’s collective bargaining agreement 🙂

I have a brother who spent nearly twenty years working in a factory.  The company moved the jobs out of the country – a big blow to the local community.  Those who lost their jobs had the opportunity to go to college for two years at no cost.  My brother, who had not been a very committed student in his youth, saw a good deal and jumped on it.  Thanks to his willingness to continue his learning, he is now the owner of a successful computer repair business.

It’s a willingness to go outside your comfort zone – I have a friend that we’ll call Tom (because that’s his actual name).  Tom and I really have very little in common.  We fall on different sides of the political spectrum (albeit with generous overlap) and have very different interests.  The only time Tom watches NFL football is when he sits down to watch 60 Minutes and the preceding game bleeds into the time slot.  Conversely, the only time I watch 60 Minutes is if I don’t quickly flip to a different channel after my NFL game ends.

Tom and I often have lunch together.  Our discussions are quite often enlightening.  One of us will talk about their job or an interest, and the other person will chime in with an “uneducated” view on the topic.  The “uneducated” view often makes the “expert” look at the subject from a fresh viewpoint.  Quite often, I walk away with the need to dig deeper to answer the questions of “why?” that Tom raises.

My wife and I have always been the kind that likes to take trips somewhere…whether it be just driving somewhere for a weekend or taking the longer weeklong vacation. Our anniversary is May 31, so this year we decided to take an extended trip with a longer vacation later in the year. Being from Illinois, we do have several options available to us that are within reasonable driving distance. Our decision this year was to go to Chicago, IL.

After a little bit of research by my wife, she found an outlet mall a little over an hour North, in Kenosha, WI (actually, I think the mall is in Pleasant Prairie, WI, but it seemed to be the same city). Once I looked at the Pleasant Prairie Premium Outlets store listing, I was perfectly fine with going. The North Face, Under Armour, Bass (I love their t-shirts), Calphalon Kitchen Outlet (yes, I love to cook), Nike, Harry and David, and lots more.

The outlet mall definitely did not disappoint. We planned to spend 2 half-days there. The first day, since it was Memorial Day weekend, it was absolutely crazy! The weather was beautiful….and there had to be hundreds and hundreds of visitors. I think it took 10-15 minutes to find a parking spot. Once we did and started walking around it wasn’t so bad. The mall has a good layout so it didn’t seem too overly crowded. The next day, however, we lucked out. A storm moved in, and it rained for a good portion of the time we were at the mall. It was still busy, but nothing like the day before. The mall had mostly covered walking, so it didn’t bother us at all. Overall, definitely one of the better outlet malls we’ve been too.

We arrived in Kenosha/Pleasant Prairie on a Saturday, did some shopping, and for dinner we headed to a place called The Brat Stop. Looking at the menu, it seemed like a decent choice, as the website touts “regional cuisine” and seemed to be known for its highly recognizable visitors (directly from The Brat Stop website) – “Micheal [sic] Jordan, Phil Jackson, Tony Kukoc, Al McGuire, Tom Arnold, Steven Tyler, Willard Scott, Bette Midler, Shelly Fairchild, Tommy Thompson, Russ Feingold”. Not just a bar/restaurant, The Brat Stop also has live entertainment, and Memorial Day weekend just so happened to be “Brat Stock”. Over 50 bands on 2 stages…didn’t seem like a bad option to go eat dinner and relax, considering the bands that have played there over the years (directly from The Brat Stop website) – “The Charlie Daniels Band, Styx, B.T.O., Cheap Trick, Foghat, The Guess Who, Nazareth, Molly Hatchet, Joan Jett, Holland, Bad Boy, Night Ranger, Loverboy, Jackyl, Eddie Money, 38 Special, Ratt, Warrant, Saxon, Tracy Byrd, Great White, Mark Wills, Jo Dee Messina, Neal McCoy, Wade Hayes, Trace Adkins, Chris Cagle, Shinedown and Sugar Land”.

Once we walked in, I was extremely disappointed. The place seemed very dark, not the cleanest, and seemed to be broken up into several different sections. From where we were seated, we could hear the band that was on stage, and I’m glad we couldn’t see them. The music they chose to play were good selections, but the performance was not good at all! From the few faint claps, it was obvious that there weren’t many fans (or maybe there were very few people in the crowd!).

As for the food, well, let’s say I don’t ever think we’d go back given the opportunity. We tried an appetizer sampler to start with. It has cheese sticks, chicken tenders, breaded mushrooms, fried cheese balls, onion rings, and jalapeno poppers. It wasn’t terrible, but it was your average frozen variety of appetizers. For our meals, I got a pizza (pepperoni, sausage, and onions) and the wife got a Wisconsin grilled cheese. The pizza was just ok, almost tasted like it was frozen as well. The grilled cheese got a “it’s pretty good”, but it’s Wisconsin, how can they mess up a grilled cheese? On a scale of 1-10, I’d give The Brat Stop a very low 2. Seemed like a good idea for a venue, but seems to be past its prime (assuming the place had a prime)!

Part II next week will include more from Kenosha, along with our visit to Chicago!

When I was a kid, I was a very frequent visitor at my school and public libraries.  I have always loved to read, and what a great deal – free books!  Truly a wonderful thing.

As I have gotten older and become an author myself, I have been plagued with doubts.  Are libraries actually stealing from authors by minimizing the value of the author’s intellectual property?  The logic is pretty basic – if you check out a book from the library instead of buying it, the author isn’t making any money from you.  From a financial perspective, authors would much prefer that every buy new copies of their books and keep them in their personal libraries – never setting foot in a public library or used book store, and never lending out any of your books.

Although I actually have a large personal library (around 600 books), I don’t even maximize revenue for my favorite authors.  I buy a majority of my books used – meaning that the money goes into the secondary market rather than back to the author and publishers.  However, at least I do not “churn” book – buying them used and then trading them in a short while later.  Books that enter my home, for the most part, stay there (although I do share some of them with co-workers) – so I’m basically taking them out of circulation.

For printed books, the revenue impact of libraries is minimized somewhat by the fact that books wear out over time – after a certain number of readings, the book needs to be replaced.  However, this is not the case with eBooks.  The bytes do not degrade over time – the text will look every bit as good the 100th time a book is read as it did the first time.  HarperCollins received a lot of negative publicity for imposing a limit of 26 checkouts for their eBooks.  After 26 checkouts, a library would need to purchase another copy of the book.  Essentially, what HarperCollins is going is having a license that deteriorates in the same manner as a physical copy of a book.

Is HarperCollins being fair?  Let’s think this through and use an extreme example.  Let’s say that a library purchases a hardcover copy of the 50th anniversary one volume edition of J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings.  The cost of that 1178 page book is currently $25.08 on Amazon.  At the same time, the library purchases the Kindle version for $18.99.  Twenty years from now, the library will have replaced the hardcover copy many times – earning revenue for the publisher and author each time.  However, without the artificial limit imposed by HarperCollins, the library would have only needed to purchase one copy of the eBook.  The cost per reading of the eBook would be far less than for the hardcover – much more enjoyment per dollar.

I’m OK with HarperCollins imposing limits.  It seems fair to compensate the author and publisher on a per-reading basis. Granted, it’s not exactly an apples-to-apples comparison, since the marginal cost of an eBook is far less than a printed book, due to the fact that the printed book is a physical item that must be manufactured and shipped.  Without some sort of expiration on an eBook license, a publisher could see their sales completely cannibalized by people who check out the eBook from their library without leaving their couch.  That’s a dangerous business model for publishers.

I’m siding with the publisher on that issue – but where do I stand on the question of whether or not libraries (and by extension, used book stores) rip off authors and publishers.

No.

In the end, I do think that libraries serve as a marketing vehicle for authors and publishers.  How many of us discovered our favorite authors on the shelves of a library, and then ended up buying future works by the author?  I’ve discovered some authors that way, and other via borrowed books from friends.  Eventually, I amassed a rather large collection of my own books, as a way to ensure that I always had an interesting assortment of books to read, and prefer not to be constrained by the time limits of the library (life can get busy at times, and it’s not always possible to finish a book quickly).

Recently, I was watching the video of Brad Paisley’s new song, “Old Alabama”. I like Brad Paisley, but I’m a huge Alabama fan. I ran a successful Alabama website for a number of years beginning in 1994, and it’s common for me to sing “My Home’s in Alabama”, “The Cheap Seats”, and “Hollywood: to my one year old to get him to sleep (mixing in more common lullabies such as “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.”)

What really caught me off guard was the title “Old Alabama.” Then I realized that “My Home’s In Alabama” hit the charts in 1980 – 31 years ago. I’ve always considered “The Cheap Seats” (a baseball themed song) to be a newer Alabama song, but even this song will turn 18 years old this year.

It’s not just Alabama, either. I follow a lot of older musicians or groups, including Bob Dylan, The Eagles, Eric Clapton, Jimmy Buffet, and The Beatles.

I read a lot of fiction, and I’m beginning to see some of my authors die. OK. Stieg Larsson and John D. MacDonald were dead before I started reading their stuff, so you can’t blame me. But then came Ed McBain (a/k/a Evan Hunter) and Michael Crichton. Many other writers I follow are at an age where they qualify for discounts at restaurants.

In June, I will mark 14 years of employment at the same company. (It’s a great company to work for, and I’d say this even if I didn’t think company spies were reading this site. Just for the record). It’s a conservative industry, and I support a system that is used by tens of thousands of users within the company and untold more outside corporate walls. Very much a “grown-up” career.

So I’m getting old, right?

 

But on the other hand … there are a lot of youthful things in my life. I enjoy Phineas and Ferb when I get a chance to see it (“Mom! Phineas and Ferb and making a title sequence!” is my all-time favorite Candace line), and I don’t really mind watching Max and Ruby with the kids.

I have a t-shirt featuring Winnie The Pooh and another featuring a penguin covering his ears with the caption “not listening.” Several shirts in my collection are worn to elicit smiles from passers-by.

If you visit my grand office (er, grand cubicle), the first thing that will jump out at you are the animals. Lions, tigers, and bear – oh my! Not to mention a kangaroo, squirrel, elephant, and of course, dinosaurs. My dinosaur wall calendar is yet another reminder of the fascination with the great creatures I have had since childhood.

High atop a cabinet is Snoopy piloting a life sized version of a Sopwith camel. (OK, maybe it’s a cheap plastic thing that was once filled with candy … same difference).

The final paradox in my office? Bean bag versions of Winnie the Pooh and Eeyore contemplating the book “Understanding Variation: The Key to Managing Chaos.” I’ll get around to reading the book soon, but for now, I can amuse myself with the thought that the two friends are building up their knowledge of statistics.

So, what’s my point? No matter how old you are in chronological years, you’re as young as you think you are. That’s good news for me, as my stated goal is to live to be 105.

I was mildly amused at Dilbert when it came out and started to get popular back in the early 90’s. I was just finishing high school and starting college, and I couldn’t really fathom how such scenarios could possibly exist in a professional IT environment. Despite my having a degree in music, the vast bulk of my adult life has been spent with me having a job in IT, the result of me and student teaching not really getting along. Many, many times over has Dilbert proven that yes, such ridiculous scenarios and characters do have a basis in real life.

You say Dilbert’s iconic “pointy-haired” boss couldn’t possibly exist in real life, right? Well, I’ve had just about every kind of boss – amazing ones, highly technical ones, ones with no technical skill, and horrible ones. Yes, I’ve even had a boss with minimal technical skill and almost no concept of managing people in a professional environment. As I’ve been told (but was always too apprehensive to ask him directly) he was a clerk in the US Army and then got a degree in library science. You’d think this would lead him to have good organizational skills, something like Radar from M.A.S.H. Not even close.

On my first day of work with this boss, I was busy customizing my PC – you know, adding useful utilities and widgets that systems admin types like me find handy. New boss – we’ll call him “Boss G” – comes over and sets 2 pieces of printed paper on my desk, stapled neatly in the upper left hand corner. Thinking that it’s more paperwork for me to sign or work policy that I need to review I looked up at him and asked, “what’s this?”

“That’s a Magic ticket,” he replied, referring to Support Magic, our helpdesk incident management tracking system. I had used that exact system at my previous job for over 4 years and had not once seen a printout of it – it runs off an SQL database that meticulously tracks all aspects of incidents/tickets and has a nice web interface so that any level of support staff could enter in work details, asset tracking, work flow, etc.

He must have seen the bewildered look on my face as I glanced over the two stapled pieces of paper, because he then gave me rudimentary instructions on what to do: “Finish the work, then write your solution down on the back page and bring it back to me.”

I was completely dumbfounded. The whole purpose of a $50,000 plus software package like Support Magic or Remedy was to allow all level of tech staff to access and share information as they perform work. Printing the tickets and then giving them to your tech staff so they can hand write the steps they took in troubleshooting/solving an issue is like buying a really nice new car so you and your friends can push it around the block. I said to him, “I’ve used Support Magic extensively, I helped test and implement it at my last job. I’m used to accessing the system directly and managing any tickets assigned to me.” I didn’t even add this was at my job at a Wall Street firm where I worked for 5 years, where every last thing needs to be completed 10 minutes ago and seconds can literally translate into thousands of dollars lost.

Boss G’s normally stoic expression was marred by just a slight twitch of his mouth, and following a pause of 4 or 5 seconds he replied sternly, “I’m the only one in the group who accesses it here and that’s how we do things.” Immediately after the last word left his mouth he had turned and walked away from me.

I could hear snickering in the cubical behind me, and a co-worker stepped out and said, “Dude, you just got your first dose of Boss G.” I wanted to say something, but was so befuddled at this complete new level of inefficiency that my mouth just hung there, slightly open. My co-worker continued, “The real kicker is after you write everything out on that paper and bring it back to him, he reads it and tosses it in recycling. He doesn’t even enter anything you wrote in the Support Magic database.”

If confused exasperation were explosive force, my head would have burst at a megaton level. Over the next 8 and 1/2 years I would learn that barely scratched the surface of the dysfunctionality of where I worked. My torment is your gain, dear readers, I hope writing about it is as cathartic for me as it is amusing for you.