Guide To Guerrilla Investing

August 29, 2011

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[Editor’s note: turn back the clock to October 13, 2008.  In a dark corner of Blogspot, I launched the blog that would become The Soap Boxers.  This was the very first article.  As alluded to in the original title, and again in the final sentence, Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal was an inspiration for this article.]

A modest proposal: guerilla investments tactics

Many times, we hear about class warfare. The poor and middle class doing battle with the rich.

Unfortunately, this is not the battle that they should be fighting. Instead of fighting people outside of your socioeconomic status, you should instead be fighting the people within your own financial strata.

There are two ways to get ahead in life. You can pull yourself up or push others down. Is it easier to climb the ladder, or to push others off? Is it easier to sail around the world, or to sit in ambush and sink the ships of those who would attempt such a folly?

In the financial arena, many people are overlooking a simple fact. The prices of goods and services rise and fall with respect to the relative supply and demand. You might have a million dollars in the bank – but the true test of wealth is what you can buy with the money.

I recommend commencing guerrilla economic warfare.

In order to reduce the prices of goods, it is simply necessary to reduce the demand. One way to do this is to drain the resources of people in your financial strata, effectively pushing them down into a lower class. Today, there might be five people who are interested in purchasing a certain item. If you can cause three of these people to encounter financial difficulties, you will reduce the competition (demand) for the item, and thus the price.

One of the more effective ways to do this is to convince your victims to play the lottery heavily. Not only does this reduce the finances of your friend, but also takes the money out of the private sector. In theory, it should even reduce – or stall the increase – in your state income tax by providing extra revenue to the state.

You should proceed with caution when suggesting plans that would transfer wealth from your victim to others in the private sector. You do not, of course, want him to give the money to someone who is slightly below you in wealth, allowing the receiver to climb into your class. This would be a complete waste of energy, as it would result in no change in your relative wealth.

Instead, you should convince them to give their money to people who are much wealthier. Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have little impact on the market for three bedroom houses. In a best case scenario, you want the money to go to someone with very few employees, to reduce the possibility that the wealthy person’s employees could climb into your financial strata. Ponzi schemes and other scams work very nicely.

Take this advice to heart, and be Swift in your actions. Your financial future is at stake.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rob
    Feb 13, 2009 @ 11:00:00

    This post deserves to be subtitled “Screwtape obtains an economic degree”.

    Well done!


    Feb 14, 2009 @ 01:24:00

    This is really funny. Great job!


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